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By the Staff of TheColumnists.com
Check out the choices of Maury Allen, Kevin Craig, Ray Dreyfack, Joanne Engelhardt, Bucky Fox, Sid Frigand, Murry Frymer, Patricia J. Geister, Prof. Gordon Greb, Paul Hertelendy, Michael Johnson, Joyce Kiefer, Chuck McFadden, Patrick McFadden, Ron Miller, Andy Murcia, Gerald Nachman, Stan Isaacs and Robert Taylor |
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This special New Year column is the work of the people whose names appear with their "nominees." We originally started trying to put together a "10 Most" list, but everybody wanted in on the act, so....it got a bit longer. We had one rule: Pres. George Bush could not be on the list. We felt too many might pick him. Instead, the list below reflects the diverity of opinion at our website. |
 Michael Johnson Nominates... |
Condoleezza Rice |
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I want to see a lot
less of Condoleezza Rice in 2005 because she is the dullest
member of the Bush cabinet. I don’t mind evildoers at the
top if they are vaguely interesting, but I cannot forgive her
evasive beltway jabberwocky. I keep watching for signs of her
towering intellect--and I think I would recognize it if I saw
it--but it never surfaces. In her media outings her most repeated
phrase is “My president thinks,” itself an oxymoron. Someone wrote that she has become the “President’s pooper-scooper,” which sums her up pretty well. As Secretary of State she becomes a mere spender of White House political capital, and that is a frightening prospect as new strategies unfold over the next four years. At least Colin Powell has a conscience, and most of the time was a voice of sanity among the Vulcans. Now that voice is lost. And finally, will someone speak to her about her hairdo? --Michael Johnson |
 Chuck McFadden Nominates... |
Bill O'Reilly |
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Ladies and Gentlemen,
I give you Bill O’Reilly, who has combined a hair-trigger
temper and a penchant for bullying into national fame and, I
presume, fortune. O’Reilly is to serious discussion as architecture
is to an outhouse. He may be regarded by some as an entertainer--everyone
likes to see people being bullied, right? ---CHUCK McFADDEN |
 Ron Miller Nominates... |
Paris Hilton |
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As far as I can
tell, Paris Hilton is famous because she's rich, blonde
and decadent. She has no discernible talent for show business
unless you want to count that business she showed on a secretly-taped
video of her having sex with a boy friend. ...Ron Miller |
 Bucky Fox Nominates... |
Teresa Heinz-Kerry |
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I nominate the ketchup
kueen: TeRAYsa Heinz. She can drop the Kerry pretense.
You can bet hubby is back to referring to her as Mrs. Heinz to
his staff. After we had the sense to reject the idea of an arrogant
elitist as first lady, TeRAYsa can keep scolding Sen. Loser for
wasting her time with those silly spiels throughout Middle America.
As long as we don't have to watch and hear her. --Bucky Fox |
 Maury Allen Nominates... |
Derek Jeter |
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My see-less-of guy is
Derek Jeter, Yankee shortstop. The guy is a great
baseball player but in 10 years around the Yankees he has never
said one word of interest. He is an automon. I want to see him
replaced by Phil Rizzuto who is 87 and funny. --Maury Allen |
 Joyce Kiefer Nominates... |
Amber Frey |
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When she made her debut
in the public mind, Amber
Frey came on like a delicious
story. She was the woman wronged, lied to, betrayed, who got
back at her man in a spectacular fashion. First she gets introduced
to Scott Peterson as an intelligent gal who might want a long-term
relationship--just what he says he’s looking for. Then the
cad comes on as the single guy he claims to be: cute, solicitous,
flashing an array of facial expressions just for her. How can
anyone who phones as often as he does have time for anyone else
like a live, gorgeous pregnant wife right in his own house? But
when a detective friend reveals the truth after the wife goes
missing, well, hell has no fury and Amber tells all like a desperate
housewife. Every woman ever deceived by a lying lover cheered
her on. We all want to be a solo act in our man’s life.
But time passes and a woman wronged moves on to Mr. Right. She
closes the book on her past. I wish Amber would do the same,
instead of opening hers in hopes of a best seller. Get over it,
Amber. We all do sooner or later. --Joyce Kiefer |
 Murry Frymer Nominates... |
Conan O'Brien |
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To me he is Conan the Contrarian.
Contrary to most rules of show business, Conan proves that talent
is not all that important for TV longevity. Conan tries hard
but he really is uncomfortable in his quest to be funny. He mugs
methodically,. puts on funny hats, tries to keep up with the
chatter of funny guests. But nothing works for this guy. Except,
of course, HE manages to keep working for the NBC honchos who
have been grooming him for years hoping comedy can be achieved
by trying hard. You can see the struggle in his face. To me it
is embarrassing. There used to be a Johnny Carson, a Steve Allen,
a Jack Paar. . Today there is Conan
O'Brien, devoted to proving
comedy is hard.. --Murry Frymer |
 Ray Dreyfack Nominates... |
Karl Rove |
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My nominee is Karl Rove, the "brains" behind George W. Bush, unless he switches parties and goes to work for the Democrats. --Ray Dreyfack |
 Kevin Craig Nominates... |
Britney Spears |
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Britney Spears–I
hate even bringing up her name, as I know this will create cringing
far and wide and give her more of that sorely wanted publicity
she constantly seeks. Thank God Britney has recently taken the time to compose regular letters to her fan base, whoever those wretched people may be. I say that her bi-polar actions of the past year are best summed up in the pop diva’s own semi-literate words anyway. She must be so proud of the recent poll that found her to be the most scandalous star in America for the year 2004. In a category rife with scandal, this is certainly a coup for our little Ms. Britney, who has now officially grown up. I mean, she has to have grown up, right? It’s not very often such a public figure gets married twice in the same year. Not to mention the wonderful photo ops she has had in 2004. There’s the shot where Ms. Spears proudly rubs her new boozy beer-belly, as well as the one in which she sports raccoon eyes and gray skin, puffing on a cigarette and looking the worse for wear after her Onyx Hotel rampage. So, to you Ms. Britney, enough already! Let 2005 be the year you quietly slip away from the spotlight your antics have created! We don’t want to know! --Kevin Craig |
Joanne Engelhardt and Andy Murcia Both Nominate... |
Michael Jackson |
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If one more person emails
me that goofy picture of a cute monkey who morphs into Michael Jackson (or is it vice versa?), I'll throw up. I mean, get
over it already. I so do not want to see or hear a scintilla
of information about The Gloved One, or whatever his latest nom
de plume is. Of course that’s not going to happen because
Jackson’s trial is "currently" scheduled to begin
January 31. Oh, joy. Every day we’ll see those endearing
photos of The Ghost Who Used to Be Known as Michael Jackson entering
and exiting the courtroom, comfortably surrounded by burly bodyguards
and family members who don’t want to be left out of his
will. It’s hard for me to see any resemblance between the
cherubic 11-year-old who instantly charmed the world as the youngest
member of the Jackson 5 and the freak man he has become. Frankly, I have only one wish, Santa: Make MJ return to Neverland and never, never, NEVER leave. It goes without saying that no one under 25 will be allowed to visit. --Joanne Engelhardt |
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I'm so sick of seeing
Michael Jackson on my TV screen--enough already!
Only in America could this guy get a trial to determine if he
digs having young boys in his bed or not. One comic said "if
a police car roared up in front of Michael's house, enough boys
would run out the back door to make 10 Disney movies!" Nobody
can say this is "whitey" here trying to lynch the poor
"negro" guy--because it's "whitey" who is
making sure that this guy gets all of his rights. Streetwise black men and women KNOW what Michael Jackson is. The only people we like less are the parents who let their sons do a sleep-over with Mike-baby. They should also be charged with child neglect, child abuse, and for being co-conspirators with Mike. This prosecution will drag on for a long time to come and will cost us taxpayers mucho dollars before it's all done. He paid off the last kid and his parents, I suspect that's what will happen in the current case but until then, PLEASE spare me and my son from having to look at that freaky face. Thank God for TV remote control, as we switch channels fast whenever Jackson appears or is even spoken about. Wake up media--we viewers in TV land just don't care about this misfit. Sponsors should know by now that "whacko jacko" does NOT garner TV ratings and except for a relative few green-haired kids (who don't buy any products anyway), everybody else is sick of Michael Jackson's antics! --Andy Murcia |
 Prof. Gordon Greb Nominates... |
Arnold Schwarzenegger |
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With 35-million people
in the State of California, why must voters of the Golden State
follow in the footsteps of disappointed Minnesotans who elected
a world class muscle man to the governorship and then found out
he did not solve their problems? The same will happen to us with
The Terminator--Arnold
Schwarzenegger. Behind-the-scenes operatives have once again shoved a Big Grinning Hulk in front of our faces and put Mr. Popularity Contest Winner in office. The trick is to choose the Big Star from the make-believe studios of Hollywood and then use his certain election to carry out a hidden agenda. The formula works like a movie script except for the secret reason it's done. The greedy puppet-masters persuade you to follow a Pied-Piper on a journey to benefit themselves, who are the few, at the expense of the many, who are most of us. While the political myth-makers may triumph with this choice of another "star" from Hollywood, as they did in electing other movie stars from California (Helen Gahagan Douglas, George Murphy, and Ronald Reagan) it's a stupid way to run a government supposedly set up to benefit the people. This trend, if continued, will force Democrats to kidnap Michael Moore, see that this Ugly Working Man gets an Extreme Makeover, and, when he looks like Marvelous Michael, the Star of Stars, to run him against Big Fat Austrian Arnie in the next election to see who has the most charm and attraction among adoring fans. --Prof. Gordon Greb |
 Patrick McFadden Nominates... |
Colin Powell |
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Colin Powell has long been every liberal’s
favorite Republican. And I have no idea why. I think liberals
like him, because they don’t really believe he’s a
Republican. He seems so sensible and decent, liberals say to
themselves, he must agree with us. I guess they think he’s
just faking it and that he’ll change the party from within.
Poppycock. Powell is simply a very good soldier who serves his
President loyally and effectively. But he would never actually
stake out a controversial position that would threaten his iconic
Good Guy status. Powell is currently enjoying quite a renaissance as he tours the tsunami-ravaged regions of Asia. His respectful awe of the devastation he surveys is to his credit. But as Secretary of State, he has done little to draw attention to the much greater violence that AIDS and other diseases regularly wreak upon developing nations. According to the World Health Organization, between 2.8 and 3.5 million people died worldwide of AIDS in 2004. But there aren’t as many front page photo opportunities as there are touring the wreckage of a natural calamity. If the sainted Powell was half the heroic, courageous man of principle his legions of fans suggest, he might, as the nation’s senior diplomat, have made more noise about an ongoing catastrophe far deadlier than the recent tragedy. It’s time for Powell to fade from the scene, and let his halo dwindle to match his accomplishments. --Patrick McFadden |
 Patrica J. Geister Nominates... |
Anna Nicole Smith |
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Please, your honor,
give Anna Nicole Smith the $88.5 million on the condition
that the world never has to hear the sound of her voice again.
Yes, I do give her a lot of credit for sticking on a diet regimen and being the spokesperson for a weight loss product. She looks slim and trim. Now she's appearing in a TV ad sponsored by said product. It's not really objectionable to me--until she talks. Had she lived and worked in the silent movies her career would have ended abruptly if her script required her to speak. Progress, huh? I don't think so. --Patricia J. Geister |
 Paul Hertelendy Nominates... |
Donald Rumsfeld |
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I realize that our
Secretary of Defense plays his cards adroitly, keeping them close
to his vest. He has provided us with the finest rose-colored
glasses this side of a Ray Ban catalogue. And, yes, I’ll admit that it’s really low class of opponents to have labeled him von Rumsfeld after his expropriating the entire State Dept. as his own private fiefdom. Everybody’s entitled to his own fief. And even hob-nailed boots, if desired. And, yes, we’ll concede, he’s not only a strategist, but also a master of the reworked phrase, the double speak, the bewildering quote. You have to give credit to a cabinet member who dismisses the whole Euro gang as “Oulde Europe,” who justifies inadequate armor with talk about the army we have, not the army we want, who orients us about things that we know we know, that we know we don’t know, and that we don’t know that we know. At this point, I no longer know what I don’t know, and I’m uncertain of knowing what I do know. About Rumsfeld, who really knows? When all the smoke and rhetoric clear and some semblance of logic returns, I can count on Donald Rumsfeld to be front and center on the tube with his endless oracular pronouncements swathed in rosy optimism. Even though you may be totally electioned out by now, he is now the one man that has me wishing we had a presidential election every month. Because I noticed that this ubiquitous Defensive spokesperson was kept totally out of sight by Rove & Co. during the month prior to Nov. 2. Just think, if we had Bush-vs.-Kerry once a month, we’d never be playing Rummy again. Besides which, I wonder what he’s doing in the cabinet in the first place. He’s from Princeton, Bush is from Yale. Essential incompatibility, camouflaged in Ivy green. --Paul Hertelendy |
 Robert Taylor Nominates... |
Tony Blair |
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I'd like to see less
of Prime Minister Tony
Blair, mainly because
if we see less of him it'll mean that he will have lost the general
election in May. And that would be bloody wonderful. Blair has
based his entire political career on a nice smile, an ability
to make the opposition Conservative party look out-of-touch and
extreme, and a knack of convincing the international community
that he's somehow important--which he isn't. He's a waste of
space and should be pensioned off before the UK drifts further
into social malaise. --Robert Taylor |
 Stan Isaacs Nominates... |
Scott Boras |
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The person I'd like
to see less or nothing of in 2005 is baseball agent Scott Boras. This guy is manipulating vulnerable baseball owners
like puppets and the result is constant verbiage in the press
about outlandish salaries he is negotiating for fatcat players.
In the days of yore when you and I were young Mildred, the pendulum
swung in favor of the owners over the players. Now the pendulum
is way over-tilted toward the players and agents like Boras.
The result is that only big market teams like the Yankees, Mets,
Red Sox and Dodgers can afford the prices agents such as Boras
milks from them. Boras and his ilk work against fans in cities
like Pittsburgh, Kansas City and Cincinnati. Feh! --Stan Isaacs |
 Sid Frigand and Gerald Nachman  Nominate... |
Nicole Kidman  |
EVERYBODY ELSE IN THE FREAKIN' UNIVERSE!! |
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I'd love to see less
of Rudy Guiliani and Ed
Koch--two ex-Mayors of
NYC who both thrive on ego massages. One has had too many women
in his life and the other has had none. I don't know who Lindsay Lohan is, or what she has done, but she must have a great flack. I read about her all the time. She should go away and do something to deserve all that ink. Rush Limbaugh needs a long sabbatical as does the whole band of geezer/pundits on Sunday morning news/yell shows. Tom DeLay, the exterminator cum-Congressman, certainly should retire to a roach-motel in Texas. I really can't name all the sideline interviewers at sports events who talk to mothers, washed-up athletes, owners, etc. while the games are in progress. Is this a diversion to relieve the tedium of the event? If not, they should go sit in the stands and watch the game. Incidentally, can't they make a movie these days without Nicole Kidman in it? -- don't get me wrong, I love everybody. I do, I do!! --Sid Frigand |
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Nicole Kidman (doesn’t this chick ever take
a vacation?); Tom Hanks (likewise, a movie a month may be
pushing the whole likeability thing); Lance Armstrong
(now that he’s recovered from cancer maybe he could relax
until we recuperate from his media overexposure?); Barry Bonds (only he could reveal home runs in all their boring
sameness); Michael Moore
(not quite as entertaining
as he thinks--see ya in 2008, Mike); Donald Trump
(a hot-air balloon that needs to be permanently grounded--Donald,
you’re tired!); Wolf
Blitzer (about time for
a return posting to the desert, whence he sprung); Ann Coulter (the legs have not worn out their welcome, but the
maniacal mouth cries out for a large sock); Harry Potter (isn’t
it time he was in college?); Oprah
Winfrey (large or small,
she’s far too visible); Katie
Couric (the cutey-pie
act is getting moldy around the edges); Mark Geragos (will
Larry King take you back?); Gwyneth
Paltrow (time to trade
her in for Mom (Blythe Danner), who’s a lot sexier at 60
and can even act); John
Walsh (what would America’s
crime fighters ever do without him? Let’s give it a try). --Gerald Nachman |
©2005 by TheColumnists.com
and the individual columnists listed above. This column first
posted on Jan. 10, 2005.
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