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Ron Miller's DARK CORRIDORS VOL. 9, No. 10 |
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THE DARK SIDE OF BEING BATMAN
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Batman's private life
revealed in hidden papers
of TheColumnists.com
During the past week, a parcel of very old documents was delivered to the offices of TheColumnists.com by a messenger service. Upon opening the parcel, our editors discovered it contained many private papers from the files of the late millionaire Bruce Wayne, now known to the world as the secret identity of the legendary crimefighter, The Batman.
Wayne's estate is still going through the complex process of probate and so we forwarded the papers to the team of lawyers handling the case. But, first, we combed through the materials quickly, searching for insight into the life of a superhero that might never have come to light.
Sadly, we have reached the conclusion that
Bruce Wayne did not enjoy the trouble-free sort of life one might
expect of one of America's richest men. As you will see from
the excerpts printed below, his decision to keep his identity
as The Batman cost him dearly in time, money and severe anxiety.
And there were many more problems than one might ever imagine
for the man inside the bat costume.
Document No. 1:
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Document No. 2:
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Letter From Gotham City Child Welfare Services Dear Mr. Wayne, It has come to our attention that you now have living with you at Wayne Manor a male juvenile named Richard "Dick" Grayson. We understand that he is the same Dick Grayson who is the sole surviving son of a husband and wife team of trapeze artists killed tragically late last year. Though we applaud your gracious decision to "adopt" this orphan boy and give him the many benefits a large family incomes can provide, I hope you recognize the fact that rich people can't simply "adopt" boys or girls without going through the proper legal steps required. We need to make an appointment with you to start formal adoption proceedings through Gotham Superior Court, but not before we do our own in-home inspection of the boy's accomodations and run a complete background check on you and all employes who might come into regular contact with the boy at Wayne Manor. We already know that you withdrew the boy from public school here after just two weeks and enrolled him instead in a "home school" program administered by you personally and your employe Aflred Pennyworth. Our conversations with two faculty members and the prinicpal of Sunnybrook Middle School suggest further investigation of this case may be necessary. Apparently the Grayson boy told classmates that you were making him dress up in a skimpy costume that showed his legs and were also making him wear a mask while doing private "physical exercise" with him. Frankly, Mr. Wayne, we do not like the sound of this, nor the fact that Dick's childhood friends said his bed is in a room called "The Oscar Wilde Suite" and you have made him memorize the poem "I Sing the Body Electric" by the homosexual poet Walt Whitman. You should be forewarned that it is HIGHLY unusual for Gotham child welfare agencies to condone or approve of adoption of boys by single men, so we will be asking the boy lots of questions that might be somewhat embarassing to him--and to you as well. Because there has been no legal adoption as yet, do not be surprised if I recommend that child services take custody of Dick Grayson for his own safety until these various issues have been resolved to our satisfaction. Cordially, Priscilla D. Fontaine Miss Priscilla Fontaine p.s. Refusal to comply with our request for a meeting to discuss your relationship with the Grayson boy may result in the issuance of a warrant for your arrest by Commissioner Gordon. Since the boy known as Dick Grayson is widely believed to have been "Robin, the Boy Wonder," crimefighting aide to The Batman, it's obvious that Bruce Wayne worked out a resolution of this problem. Apparently it was a simple one: Attached to the letter was a birth certificate for Richard Grayson, showing his date of birth at Oct. 11, 1921. Was the boy really 21 when Bruce Wayne took him under his wing? We believe that was unlikely, but that it was far more likely the wealthy Wayne paid to have circumstances of the boy's birth clouded enough to get Gotham Child Welfare Services off his back. |
Document No. 3:
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From U.S. Dept. of Immigration Dear Mr.Wayne, A usually reliable source has tipped us that an illegal alien we have been looking for since 1937 may be working under a false name in your section of Gotham City. His name is Alphonse Fidelius III, but he has used any number of aliases in the past and may be working in the capacity of a valet, a butler or some form of English-style domestic service. Mr. Fidelius was here legally in the 1930s, but vanished upon the expiration of his visa and work permit in 1937. Because you have quite the largest home in your part of Gotham City, we thought you might have come across Mr. Fidelius as a part-time or casual domestic working for your household or may have seen him as an applicant for such a position. We have attached a photograph of Mr. Fidelius and a brief biographical description. You are highly regarded by the renowned Commissioner Gordon of Gotham City as a friend to law enforcement and he suggested you might be able to help because of your wide contacts in the community. If you don't mind, I'd likek to call on you next week to discuss this matter further. Warmest regards, Franklin Eggland The wanted alien sounds very obviously to be Bruce Wayne's longtime butler, Alfred Pennyworth. Two copies of letters were attached to this one. In the first, a terse reply to Director Eggland, Mr. Wayne claimed to have no valuable information concerning the illegal alien. The second note to Commissioner Gordon was in Wayne's handwriting and said simply: "Nice try. If you think you can intimidate me into letting you hire Alfred away, guess again! And don't bother to shine that bat signal for the next 30 days!" |
Document No. 4:
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From Felicia Foster Brucie, I hope you don't think you can just get rid of me THAT easily. I'm sure there are girls who would enjoy receiving a $10,000 personal check in a bouquet of flowers and a note saying, "It's been marvelous," but I'm not one of them, buster. Look at what I've put up with over the past two years: Parading me around like a clothes horse at one big party after another, just so you can fool your rich pals into thinking you've got what it takes to make a woman happy. You're hiding something, Bruce, and I think I know what it is: You're one of those queer ones, like that piano player Libberwhatchacallit or whatever his name is. Sure, you're nice lookin' and built pretty well, at least as far as I can tell., but what woman wants to hang out with a guy who never lets it hang out, if you take my meaning. I know I'm hot because I've been around the block a few times, but I can't even get a flutter out of your eyelids. I feel like that Clyde Beatty guy gettin' inna cage with a lion who can't even be bothered to roar. If you want me outa your life, that's fine, but I'm lookin' for a much bigger payoff than you had in mine or else I'm gonna tell my story to that scruffy-looking guy from Confidential Magazine. Oh, boy, would you like that headline: "Ex-chorus girl says Batman needs splints in his utility belt." How about another 40 grand by Sunday night or I start talkin'? Your bored ex-girlfriend, FELICIA There were no further communications from this young lady in Mr Wayne's archives, but there were two cancelled checks, one for $10,000 and the other for $40,000. |
Document No. 5
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From Gotham City Custom Auto Repair &
Detailing Dear Mr. Wayne, I'm afraid I don't quite understand the work order you discussed with our shop foreman Ed Finkel last week. Ed says you want to hire out very best team of mechanics and customizers to work full-time on your own cars in your own garage and to live on the premises. All I can say, Mr. Wayne, is "Dream on!" You want these men to sign "no disclosure" agreements and to pretty much have no life except working on your cars. Ed says, when he asked what the point of all this was, you told him you are building a big new line of international racing cars and you need absolute secrecy so your ideas won't be stolen. Hey, give me a break, will you? You won't tell us what engines you're using or what components will be going into the running gear. You won't tell us a thing about your vehicles at all! These men are used to working on the best European sports cars and top American luxury touring cars. They don't want to show up and find they're going to be working on some crackpot version of the Tucker or one of those runty little Nashes they're turning out. You say you have the most complete, up-to-date shop in the U.S. and yet you won't let any of us look it over for even five minutes. Even if you do give me $100,000 a year to compensate for taking away my best people, I could turn out to be a laughing stock because of this. I'm sorry, Mr Wayne. There are some things that money can't buy and one of them is my integrity as the owner of Gotham City's finest auto repair and customizing center. Yours Truly, Phil "Spud" Brunslow This is just one of many such deals Bruce Wayne tried to put together from the 1950s on. As far as we can determine, he never found a way to maintain the Batmobile and his many other highly-sophisticated vehicles, boats and aircraft. One of the least known "secrets" of the Batman era is that Batman and Robin, in their older years, often had to take public transportation to crime scenes because their "super" vehicles were all up on blocks, collecting spider webs in the batcave. |
Document No. 6
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From Dick "Robin" Grayson Dear Bruce, I don't know how to tell you this in person, so I'm going to try to put it down on paper first. I want out. Yes, we've had some just super times together and I think we've made a mark in crimefighting that will never be equalled, but I have to ask myself, "What will become of Robin, the Boy Wonder, when I'm wrinkled and gray like you are already?" Bruce, I'm way past feeling comfortable wearing those green tights and packing a pair of socks in 'em to make me look what you call "up and at' em!" Your costume is dark and covers up everything, but who wants to run around showing his legs when they're covered with varicose veins? And that stupid raccoon mask! What were you thinking? That' I'd never grow up enough to read GQ? I'm SO yesterday, but I don't think you care, do you? I once entertained the idea of having my own family--you know, my own little "Robin's Nest" to retreat to after a tough case. But you've fixed all that for good. I've never even seen a naked girl. The closest I ever came was that time I walked in on Diana Prince when she was putting on her Wonder Woman costume for a meeting of the Justice League. So, what does she do? She laughs and says, "Oh, it's only you, Robin." It's ONLY me, Bruce, like I don't count in the guy department. I don't want to jump on you too much, Bruce, because I know you've set me up with a hefty income from your estate and all that, but you really are to blame for my weird sex life. I mean, when anybody asks me if I want to go work out with them, I shudder because that's the way you used to get me going. "Time for your little workout, Robin!" you used to say and that was that. So, here's what's going to happen: I'm going to be "ill" for six months or whatever it takes to have a complete cosmetic makeover with plastic surgery and the works. Then I'm going to start my new life under a new name--Grayson Hall, business executive. I'm going to wear lifts and dump this curly mop for a buzz cut. I'm going to live a quiet, but meaningful life and try to see if I can lose myself in something like winemaking or gourmet cooking. As far as I'm concerned, Bruce, you can watch the sky for that signal all by your lonesome and find somebody else to get you dressed up right so your bat-ears don't flop over like they used to in the Forties and you don't trip over your cape with your walker. If you need a little "companionship," be a scout troop leader or something. Yeah, I know what you're thinking: How can you go on without hearing me say, "Holy Moly, Batman!" at least once a night. Well, I've left a CD with all your favorite Robin-sayings pre-recorded for just such times. That's as far as I'm willing to go in the nostalgia department, Bruce. And if you try and stop me from leaving, I hope Alfred will help me push you into that big gully in the bat cave where you'll be stuck up to your neck in about a million cubic yards of bat guano. Holy-moly that, Batman!" As Ever, ROBIN, Former Boy Wonder As most of you know by now, Dick Grayson did become Grayson Hall--and rather than open a winery somewhere instead joined the cast of "General Hospital" as the handsome, urbane Dr. Tate. Bruce Wayne decided to retire his "Batman" cape and cowl just a few weeks after Robin left. He passed away in December at an extended care home, alone and forgotten. |
©2008 by Ron Miller. The Batman illustration is from Wikipedia and is used courtesy of DC comics. This column first posted March 24, 2008.
Ron
Miller is a former nationally syndicated television columnist
and the author of "Mystery! A Celebration," the official
companion book to PBS' "Mystery!" series. He currently
writes about television mysteries for MYSTERY SCENE magazine.
You can comment on this column online. Please address your message to either "The Editors" or Ron Miller. To send an email, click here and don't forget to mentionRon's name: talkback@thecolumnists.com
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