|
|
Ron Miller's DARK CORRIDORS VOL. 10, No. 19 |
|
REMAKES ARE US HOLLYWOOD'S UNSTOPPABLE TREND
|
Do we really need to remake everything?
of TheColumnists.com
How long will we have to wait for the remake of "Fire Maidens of Outer Space"? Of course, I mean, done right this time. Color, big screen, maybe even IMAX and, of course, in 3-D.
Won't we really believe we're on the 13th
moon of Jupiter this time instead of in some warehouse near Santa
Monica with some flats painted to look like the inside of a cave?
And this time maybe they'll hire some centerfold models to play
the fire maidens instead of bailing a dozen hookers out of jail
and hope they'll be grateful enough to do the ritual dance of
the fire maidens on camera. Hey, maybe they'll even be able to
hire Britney Spears to lead the chorus line.
Think I'm kidding? Well, yeah, I am, but it's not that mighty a stretch of the imagination. Hollywood is remaking every horror or sci-fi movie it can get its hands on. I mean, they remade "Prom Night." What does that tell you?
Sadly, the new "Prom Night" did big box office. So did the new "Friday the 13th" and the new "Halloween." Later this year, they're really reaching back to offer us a remake of that 1941 classic, "The Wolf Man." We're knee-deep in "Mummy" remakes and sequels to the remake, each one much worse than the one before. They've remade "Frankenstein" and "Dracula" so many times nobody pays any attention anymore.
Now I'm not opposed to remakes of horror and sci-fi movies per se. As much as I love the original 1933 "King Kong," I have to say the 21st century remake by director Peter Jackson was a knockout. It was respectful to the original and added to the Kong legacy. That's not something I could say about the first remake in 1976, an attrocious film that ought to have all existing prints dipped in acid.
But decent remakes are rare. They usually offer color, enhanced picture and sound, widescreen and superior technical effects. But does anybody really think the remake of "War of the Worlds" with Tom Cruise and Dakota Fanning was more exciting than the 1953 version? Bigger, sure. Noisier, you bet. But better? Nope.
That brings me to the 2008 remake of "The Day the Earth Stood Still" with Keanu Reeves as Klaatu, the alien who arrives on Earth to supervise the total annihilation of all human life here unless we suddenly become non-violent. It's just out on DVD, so it seems a good time to discuss what it represents in the current remake madness trend.
The 1951 original, directed by Robert Wise ("West Side Story," "The Sound of Music"), has long been considered an immortal classic of Cold War sci-fi. His Klaatu landed in Washington, D.C., hoping our level-headed statesmen could persuade the rest of the world to lay down their weapons and link arms with us in an international celebration of peace.
Well, one of our guys shot him. It wasn't until he escaped from our clutches and statted running around with Patricia Neal and her little boy that he discovered some humans are nice and would rather reach out a helping hand to him than shoot him.
The new version sort of sticks to that basic notion--that Klaatu has to get to know one of our "regular people" well before he can condemn the whole human race to extinction. This time it's Oscar-winner Jennifer Connelly. (Patricia Neal hadn't won her Oscar yet in 1951). She convinces him, by example, that we're worth preserving as a species.
But, in the meantime, they've added everything but the ktichen sink to the story. We now learn that the aliens came here in 1928, got a DNA sample from one of Keanu Reeves' ancestors, and used it to manufacture a humanoid shape for Klaatu to use when he showed up here 57 years later. They no longer cross space in flying saucers. Now they come in "spheres," which look like giant mood stones.
Klaatu is still accompanied by a giant robot, but he's not like Gort, the big metal monster of 1951. This robot still has a slit that opens in its head, emitting death rays, but he looks like a great big diver in a rubber suit. And he's a lot taller, like maybe skyscraper tall.
Klaatu still says "Klaatu, Borada, Nikto" to make the robot stop incinerating everything it looks at, but I think the original robot was scarier. Which is why I still remember those magic words that are supposed to stop it. I'm not taking any chances. If I ever meet a giant robot face to face, you can be sure I'll say, "Kkkkkllllaaaattu, Bbbborada, Nnnnikto" as clearly as I can.
I guess what I'm saying is I don't think we needed another "Day the Earth Stood Still." It's not a terrible movie, but there's not much point to it. It doesn't clearly make its anti-violent points like the original did. The original film, which is contained on my DVD copy of the new film, is simple, direct and effective. The new movie is redundant.
I guess the public must have agreed with me because there wasn't exactly an Oklahoma land rush to buy tickets for it. I'm guessing it tanked at the box office because nobody felt compelled to see it. Even in IMAX.
I think we'd all be better served by Hollywood if they'd actually underwrite some filmmakers with new ideas for horror and sci-fi movies. But I guess they'd rather wait and see how the new remake of "Star Trek" is going to do at the box office. Meanwhile, I'll patiently wait for the new "Fire Maidens of Outer Spacc." If ever a film needed remaking, that's the one. In fact, they should have remade it as soon as they finished making it the first time.
©2009by Ron Miller. The posters are courtesy of 20th Century Fox studios. This column first posted April 13, 2009.
You can comment on this column online. Please address your message to either "The Editors" or . To send an email, click here and don't forget to mention name: talkback@thecolumnists.com
|
|
|
Archives |
|
|