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2009 |
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OUT OF LEFT FIELD |
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 If Danny Boyle had directed "Casablanca," maybe this is what Rick (Humphrey Bogart), the cafe owner in seamy Casblanca. might have said: "Of all the gin joints in the world, why did all these filthy beggars and game show contestants wind up in mine?!!" |
A Paean to a Master
of Directorial Diarrhea
of TheColumnists.com
Sitting and squirming through the horrors of the acclaimed, probable Best Picture Oscar winner, “Slumdog Millionaire,” my mind kept wandering. What one critic burbled on about as the gaudy, gorgeous, rush of color, I saw as excess piled upon excess.
When I wasn’t recoiling at the pounding, ear-piercing cacophony of sound, I frequently was leaning forward in my seat to hear the dialogue spoken by the actors in relatively quite moments. This all measured up to a good story ruined by a classic case of director’s diarrhea.
My mind-wandering settled on this thought: What if the Scottish director Danny Boyle had made “Casablanca”, one of the two greatest movies (with “Citizen Kane”) of all time.
Boyle’s "Casablanca" would have an early shot of “Rick’s Place” but with a scene outside in the Casbah. We would see deformed beggars pestering patrons stepping through trash on their way into the night club. There would be animal entrails in the streets, excrement, decaying shacks, cesspools of garbage.
This “Casablanca” would not be in director Michael Curtiz’ black-and-white. It would be in blazing color. Cinematographer Anthony Dod Mantel would come into his own with the first shot inside Rick’s place, lighting up the screen with a phantasmagoria of reds, oranges and purples. To booming make-you-flee-to-the-lobby music.
The scene in which Peter Lorre trys to escape from the gendarmes would be perfect for a suspenseful chase through the alleys and over the roofops of the Casbah. And when Lorre is caught, he doest not die offstage as in the original “Casablanca.” He is bludgeoned to death with swords after being shot. And the screen runs red with his blood.
Humphrey Bogart frequently tells Ingrid Bergman “Here’s looking at you, kid.” In Boyle’s version the pulsating music would mask the words enough to make the viewer strain to make them out. Is he saying, “Here’s cooking for you, kid,” or “Bears looking into, Sid”?
What a dazzling show Boyle could make out of the roulette scene in which Bogart has his man fix the wheel so the young wife’s husband can win enough money to gain a visa and save the wife from having to bed down with the leering French Prefect of Police, Claude Rains. The roulette wheel would spin a razzle-dazzle of glitter. All accompanied by the pounding, thumping beat of a booming drum, of course.
The Casbah is such a ripe area for atmosphere, Boyle’s “Casablanca” would linger and caress the scene when Sydney Greenstreet bargains with Bogart for the valuable visa. We would have a reprise of scabrous dogs in filthy streets, beggars, sly pickpockets, slovenly waiters; in the background the ear-piercing noise of the market place.
The music, ah the music. The hauting piano-playing of Sam (Dooley Wilson) would hardly be enough to complement the battle of the anthems in the night-club. Better a thundering rendition of Germany’s Die Wacht Am Rheim with a background montage of Hitler addressing millions at the Nuremberg rally.
And to back up Paul Henreid’s one-upping of Conrad Veidt in calling for the playing of France’s La Marseillaise, the modern “Casablanca” would feature a rip-roaring version of La Marseillaise played over flag-waving scenes from Les Miserables.
As if the point hasn’t been driven home enough, there’s the opportunity to back up flashback scenes of Bogart and Ingrid Bergman meeting and German troops marching in Paris. The New York Philharmonic would belt out “As Time Goes By.” For the hell of it, we can go for a change of pace with a scene of Bergman telling, Wilson to “Play it, Sam.”
Boyle could give Claude Rains his due in the closing credits with a montage of his greatest hits. We could see Rains coming at us from the four corners of the screen, mouthing some of his precious pearls. When Bogart points a gun at his heart, he says, “That is my least vulnerable spot.” There is his, “Round up the usual suspects,” and “I am shocked, shocked that there is gambling here.”
By the same token, there would be close-ups of Bogart dominating the screen uttering the gems, “I’m a drunkard,” “I stick my neck out for nobody,” and to, “La Vie en Rose,” perhaps, “We’ll always have Paris.”
And then Boyle’s socko final scene. He could shake up movie-goers by putting Bogart, not Henreid, with Bergman on the escaping plane (one of the endings considered by the original production, I understand). But that would eliminate the classic last line by Bogart, “Louie, this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”
So Boyle might opt for something like a “Springtime for Hitler” finale, showing the German soldiers doing a line dance, the French high-stepping to La Marseillaise and a fadeout of Bogart with a sardonic smile backed up by a bust-out rendition of “The Star Spangled Banner” over a rippling “Old Glory.”
©2009 by Stan Isaacs. The Stan Isaacs caricature is ©2001 by Jim Hummel. The photo from "Casablanca" is courtesy of Turner Classic Movies. This column first posted Feb. 16, 2009.
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