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 "Welcome to my White House, new interns! Your assignments are simple: All eunuchs will be working directly with me at my office while all females who wear larger sizes will be put into foreign service." |
It just won't seem like the
same old White House
of TheColumnists.com
The cat and dog
fight between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, started over
a Hollywood fund raiser, got me to thinking about January ’09.
Let’s make it a Hillary White House for fun. This is what
I think it will look like.
Bill Clinton will be on the back porch of the Truman balcony
every night, smoking cigars with his pal, Terry McAuliffe, as
they act out the scenes from television’s 'Boston Legal.'
This time Bill’s cigars will end up in an ash tray.
Chelsea Clinton will look for some of the old dolls she left
behind when she moved out in 2001. She’ll find them in George
Bush’s war room where they were used as stand-ins for Saddam’s
hangmen.
The fat Rodham brother will be found asleep in the upstairs library.
He had been there since the Clintons moved out. Bush never found
him because he never found his way to that room.
Dick Cheney’s gun collection will fill a side wall of the
West Wing. The other side will be filled with iron masks.
Hillary’s interviews with interns will begin and end with
one category. They all have to be eunuchs. No fat girls need
apply.
One closet will be filled with Hillary’s pants suits. There
will be one huge photo of an attractive woman’s legs. It
will be a World War II poster of Betty Grable.
Al Gore, secretary of global warming, a new cabinet post, will
have his office on the floor of the old White House swimming
pool. The temperatures will be kept below zero so any leftover
Republicans can be sent out of the building on the ice flow.
James Carville will not be admitted into the Oval Office unless
he is wearing his Britney Spears wig. Hillary is tired of Bill
rubbing Carville’s bald head for luck.
The first statue of Hillary will be unveiled. It will have engraved
on it, “If I knew then what I know now.”
George Bush 41 and Barbara will be invited over to the White
House for dinner. They will share a delightful evening making
fun of George Bush 43. Barbara will admit that Jeb Bush was always
her favorite child.
In an evening of reconciliation, Barack Obama will be invited
over for a formal dinner. A drunken southern senator will see
the tuxedoed Obama and ask him which way to the men’s room.
Hillary’s hat closet, untouched during the Bush years, will
be opened again. A baseball cap from all 30 big league teams
will be on a shelf. It will be clear Hillary was uncertain about
which state she would represent when she left the White House
in 2001.
Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon will finally marry in the White
House. Hillary will give the bride away. Rosie O’Donnell
and her partner will also legally marry in the White House. Bill
will give both brides away.
Scholars will be called from all parts of the country to discuss
Bill’s official White House title. There will be much discussion
about “first man,” “first gentleman” and
“first guy.” An old note from Monica will be discovered
stuck in a drawer. Bill will thereafter be known as “Dirty
Dog.”
A turnstile will be placed outside the Lincoln bedroom. Proceeds
will be used for Hillary’s 2012 re-election campaign.
The first Hillary press conference will be held in the same sitting
room Mary Lincoln used. Doris Kearns Goodwin will explain that
Mary Lincoln hated the press also.
Emmitt Smith will be called in to the White House to work with
Bill for his audition on celebrity dancing. Bill will confuse
him with Ryan Seacrest and think he is trying out for "American
Idol." He will play his saxophone for him and sing the Razorbacks
fight song.
Colin Powell will get his old job back as Secretary of State
and immediately end the war in Iraq. Condoleeza Rice will get
her new job as NFL Commissioner and immediately start a war with
the NHL.
Hillary will deliver her first State of the Union address with
her back to Congress. She will later explain that she couldn’t
stop staring at vice president George Clooney.
Bill will be conspicuously absent from the first state dinner
in the White House after DNA tests proved that he was the father
of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby.
The nation’s economy will grow dramatically as Hillary returns
some of her campaign war chest to more than 200,000,000 Americans.
Tiger Woods will give Bill a golf lesson on the White House lawn
while Hillary is busy inside with a summit meeting. Bill will
cheat.
Hillary will discover that the White House isn’t what it
used to be when she was First Lady and Second Banana.
Oprah Winfrey will announce her candidacy for president after
a White House visit. She will express the feeling of many that
a country led only by Clintons and Bushes can’t be all good.
Hillary will hire a nephew of Picasso to paint the White House.
He will give it two coats. Outside. The White House will now
be green. Al Gore will smile.
©2007 by Maury Allen. The Maury Allen caricature is ©2001 by Jim Hummel. The illustration uses components from IMSI's Master Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. East, San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA. This column first posted Feb. 26, 2007.
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