HILLARY'S WHITE HOUSE
"Welcome to my White House, new interns!
Your assignments are simple: All eunuchs will
be working directly with me at my office
while all females who wear larger sizes will
be put into foreign service."
It just won't seem like the
same old White House
By MAURY ALLEN
The cat and dog fight between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, started over a Hollywood fund raiser, got me to thinking about January 09.
Lets make it a Hillary White House for fun. This is what I think it will look like.
Bill Clinton will be on the back porch of the Truman balcony every night, smoking cigars with his pal, Terry McAuliffe, as they act out the scenes from televisions 'Boston Legal.' This time Bills cigars will end up in an ash tray.
Chelsea Clinton will look for some of the old dolls she left behind when she moved out in 2001. Shell find them in George Bushs war room where they were used as stand-ins for Saddams hangmen.
The fat Rodham brother will be found asleep in the upstairs library. He had been there since the Clintons moved out. Bush never found him because he never found his way to that room.
Dick Cheneys gun collection will fill a side wall of the West Wing. The other side will be filled with iron masks.
Hillarys interviews with interns will begin and end with one category. They all have to be eunuchs. No fat girls need apply.
One closet will be filled with Hillarys pants suits. There will be one huge photo of an attractive womans legs. It will be a World War II poster of Betty Grable.
Al Gore, secretary of global warming, a new cabinet post, will have his office on the floor of the old White House swimming pool. The temperatures will be kept below zero so any leftover Republicans can be sent out of the building on the ice flow.
James Carville will not be admitted into the Oval Office unless he is wearing his Britney Spears wig. Hillary is tired of Bill rubbing Carvilles bald head for luck.
The first statue of Hillary will be unveiled. It will have engraved on it, If I knew then what I know now.
George Bush 41 and Barbara will be invited over to the White House for dinner. They will share a delightful evening making fun of George Bush 43. Barbara will admit that Jeb Bush was always her favorite child.
In an evening of reconciliation, Barack Obama will be invited over for a formal dinner. A drunken southern senator will see the tuxedoed Obama and ask him which way to the mens room.
Hillarys hat closet, untouched during the Bush years, will be opened again. A baseball cap from all 30 big league teams will be on a shelf. It will be clear Hillary was uncertain about which state she would represent when she left the White House in 2001.
Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon will finally marry in the White House. Hillary will give the bride away. Rosie ODonnell and her partner will also legally marry in the White House. Bill will give both brides away.
Scholars will be called from all parts of the country to discuss Bills official White House title. There will be much discussion about first man, first gentleman and first guy. An old note from Monica will be discovered stuck in a drawer. Bill will thereafter be known as Dirty Dog.
A turnstile will be placed outside the Lincoln bedroom. Proceeds will be used for Hillarys 2012 re-election campaign.
The first Hillary press conference will be held in the same sitting room Mary Lincoln used. Doris Kearns Goodwin will explain that Mary Lincoln hated the press also.
Emmitt Smith will be called in to the White House to work with Bill for his audition on celebrity dancing. Bill will confuse him with Ryan Seacrest and think he is trying out for "American Idol." He will play his saxophone for him and sing the Razorbacks fight song.
Colin Powell will get his old job back as Secretary of State and immediately end the war in Iraq. Condoleeza Rice will get her new job as NFL Commissioner and immediately start a war with the NHL.
Hillary will deliver her first State of the Union address with her back to Congress. She will later explain that she couldnt stop staring at vice president George Clooney.
Bill will be conspicuously absent from the first state dinner in the White House after DNA tests proved that he was the father of Anna Nicole Smiths baby.
The nations economy will grow dramatically as Hillary returns some of her campaign war chest to more than 200,000,000 Americans.
Tiger Woods will give Bill a golf lesson on the White House lawn while Hillary is busy inside with a summit meeting. Bill will cheat.
Hillary will discover that the White House isnt what it used to be when she was First Lady and Second Banana.
Oprah Winfrey will announce her candidacy for president after a White House visit. She will express the feeling of many that a country led only by Clintons and Bushes cant be all good.
Hillary will hire a nephew of Picasso to paint the White House. He will give it two coats. Outside. The White House will now be green. Al Gore will smile.
©2007 by Maury Allen. The Maury Allen caricature is ©2001 by Jim Hummel. The illustration uses components from IMSI's Master Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. East, San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA. This column first posted Feb. 26, 2007.
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