IN THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT

MAURY ALLEN

MY HOLIDAY GIFTS FOR SPORTS HEROES  "Florence, get the other board members in here quickly! Maury Allen has just made me a sizeable cash offer to make Don Mattingly our new manager. Man, when that guy decides to give somebody a Xmas present, he doesn't mess around!"

These are the gifts that
keep on giving bigtime!

 

By MAURY ALLEN
of TheColumnists.com

 

 

Here are my holiday gifts for some of my favorite people in the wonderful world of sports:

Joe Torre: A World Series title with the Dodgers, especially against the Yankees, with Steinbrenners Sr. and Jr. eating uncooked crow.

Don Mattingly: A big league managerial job after being passed up by the Yankees for Joe Girardi and showing loyalty to Torre by moving west to Los Angeles.

Joan Hodges: A call from the Baseball Hall of Fame Veterans Committee that all is forgiven after all these years and deserving husband Gil is truly in Cooperstown next to teammates Jackie Robinson, Roy Campanella, Sandy Koufax, Don Drysdale, Duke Snider and the rest.

Bobby Murcer: Dozens of years of good health after failing to give in to brain cancer and going about his broadcasting chores like it was nothing more than a lingering cold.

Jonathan Papelbon: A key spot on Dancing with the Stars after doing more entertaining with his performances off the mound than on it. He stares from the mound at twitching hitters but dances the jig with the best of them.

Johnny Damon: A return to his long hair, flowing beard and bushy mustache as he leads the Yankees back to the top as he led the Red Sox to break the Curse of the Bambino in 2004. The Yankees need more fun in the sun.

Joba Chamberlain: As much success as a starting pitcher with the Yankees as he had as a setup reliever for Mariano Rivera and a role in a new cowboy movie as the fighting, winning native-American making up for all the guys John Wayne massacred in his time in the old film west.

Billy Wagner: The Howard Cosell award for telling it like it was as the Mets folded with two weeks to go in the 2007 season in one of baseball’s most gutless performances in years.

Yogi Berra: The opening day honors for the new Stadium in 2009 for over 60 years of association with the team despite a 14-year silent period when he wouldn’t talk to Steinbrenner for an unpleasant firing.

Lou Piniella: That Chicago Cubs World Series ring after a wait of one hundred years. Cubs fans have to learn that the 1908 Tinker-to-Evers-to Chance infield isn’t the only route to a World Series title.

Tom Coughlin: A Super Bowl shot for the coach of the New York Giants after being buried deep by immature and anxious sportswriters who don’t have the patience to wait out a season before they inter a coach.

Eli Manning: An incredible playoff game to get the Giants into the big one and to get rid of the doubters who start off every tale about the young quarterback by saying, “Brother Peyton Manning…”

Stephon Marbury A rebirth as a quality Knicks player after more inner turmoil and family disappointment in a year than one guy is supposed to have in a lifetime. My public apology for suggesting that he may be the most disappointing tennis player of his time, a guy with a 140-mile per hour serve and no big wins. A Davis Cup victory, over Russia no less, makes up for all of that.

Tiger Woods: More honors for playing in enough golf tournaments to make non-golf fans like me pay attention and watch his dramatic victories.

Bud Selig: The I’ll try it award, invented by former Los Angeles Dodgers outfielder Frank Howard for balls hit in his direction for doing something, anything to rid baseball of steroids and get the game’s stars measured by how good they are and not how big they are.

Ralph Kiner: The malaprop award for screwing up the English language worse than anybody on the air in broadcasting baseball but still able at the age of 85 to clearly tell a laughable tale about the game.

©2007 by Maury Allen. The Maury Allen caricature is ©2001 by Jim Hummel. The illustration comes from IMSI's Master Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA. This column first posted Dec. 17, 2007.

 

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