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THINGS TO COME IN 2008
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You won't believe what's
coming in the new year!
By MAURY ALLEN
of TheColumnists.com
With apologies to
the late, great newspaper columnist Drew Pearson here are some
sports predictions of things to come for ’08.
Roger Clemens will hire OJ’s legal team to defend him from
steroid charges. There will be no Clemens DNA found on any Yankee
clubhouse item. He will sign a three year contract with Houston.
He still won’t gain admission to Baseball’s Hall of
Fame.
Pete Rose will finally admit that he gambled on every big league
baseball game he ever played in or managed. He still won’t
gain admission to Baseball’s Hall of Fame.
Tom Brady will make another supermodel pregnant. This one will
have twins. Brady will explain that he can’t understand
how this happened. He will say he was always busy checking the
X’s and O’s for the Super Bowl.
Michael Jordan will make his return to basketball as a player. He
will be immediately traded to the New York Knicks where he will
be named owner, general manager, coach and player. He will score
55 points in his Knicks debut. Ticket prices for Knicks games
will go to $200 a pop.
Tiger Woods will shoot a 12 at the third hole of the Masters.
He will be eight shots back of the leaders after Saturday’s
round. He will shoot a 60 and win the green jacket again. It
will fit him like a glove, OJ’s glove.
Kobe Bryant will score 101 points against the Knicks to break
Wilt Chamberlain’s 100 point mark. Kobe’s wife will
get another million dollar piece of jewelry after he announced
he was inspired by the girl sitting in the third row behind the
Lakers’ bench. It will turn out to be Heidi Klum. Klum’s
husband, Seal, will send Bryant to the hospital for two weeks
with a broken jaw.
Alex Rodriguez will start the 2008 Yankees season one for 29. The
fans will boo him louder than they have booed anybody since Roger
Maris failed to hit more home runs in 1962 than he hit (61) in
1961. ARod will announce he is opting out of his Yankee contract
again and will resume his career in Japan with the Tokyo Giants.
“At least these people understand baseball,” he will
announce in Japanese at his first press conference.
Los Angeles Manager Joe
Torre will resign his position with the
Dodgers to accept the lead role in "The Joe Torre Story"
after Tom Cruise turns it down.
Peyton Manning will resign his position with the Indianapolis Colts
to accept the lead role in the Tom Brady story after Brady turns
it down to spend more time as a stay-at-home dad.
The last college football bowl game will be played July 15 as
Slippery Rock beats Little Sisters of the Poor 108-8. National
BCS champion Ohio State will challenge the Pebbles, the new nickname
for Slippery Rock, to an August showdown.
Outgoing President George
Bush will be named baseball commissioner
as successor to Bud Selig. He will announce that he finally has
a job he likes and can understand. His first move will be to
allow aspirins in baseball clubhouses.
O.J. Simpson will be convicted on his Las Vegas robbery charge
with all his collectibles donated to the Ron Goldman family.
O. J. will star on the prison football team and run through a
wall as they always said he could do when he played for the Buffalo
Bills. He will never be found again and become as famous as Amelia
Earhart.
Yankees shortstop Derek
Jeter will break up the marriage of Brad
Pitt and Angelina Jolie by inviting Jolie to the final Yankee
Stadium All-Star game this summer in the Bronx. They will marry
soon after Jolie’s divorce and Yankee fans will scream “Holy
Jolie” every time Jeter comes to bat at the Stadium.
Newly elected president Hillary
Clinton and vice president Barack Obama
will attend 2009 Super Bowl together. They will fight over which
of them is supposed to throw out the first football. Bill Clinton
will steal the ball and throw it back into the stands. A fat
girl looking a lot like Monica Lewinsky will make the catch.
Yankee Boss George Steinbrenner will finally sell the team to Microsoft’s Bill Gates.
Gates will announce umpires will be replaced by computers. Every
fan will have a computer at his seat to judge whether a player
is safe or out. Only children under 12 will understand how the
system works.
Columnists.com boss Ron
Miller, who turns 69 next month, will
win a Pulitzer for his hard work. Only writers over 70 will understand
how much he did for them.
©2008 by Maury Allen. The Maury Allen
caricature is ©2001 by Jim Hummel. The photo is courtesy
of the Las Vegas Police Dept. This column first posted Jan. 7,
2008.
You
can comment on this column online. Please address your message
to either "The Editors" or Maury Allen. To send an
email, click here and don't forget to mention Maury's name: talkback@thecolumnists.com
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