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TO COME IN 2009
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Shocking events coming
--and they're all true!
of TheColumnists.com
The best thing about
January is you have 12 months to be proven wrong before your
predictions cause embarrassment. Who’ll remember?
Here are my January guesses for 2009.
Expensive Yankee free agent pitcher C.C. Sabathia will balloon
up to 400 pounds on New York food, prove to be the worst bust
since Ed Whitson and force everyone to call him Carsten Charles.
J. J. Putz of the Mets will prove to be just that.
President Barack Obama will force the college football authorities
to come up with a playoff system to replace the BCS championship
game. He will say little about Israel, Iraq, Afghanistan and
Sudan in his first weeks in office but will be adamant that college
football has to change its championship format.
The New York Giants, led by Eli Manning and the Indianapolis
Colts, led by Peyton Manning, will meet in the Super Bowl. Father
Archie Manning will go into the loser’s locker room to console
his son. The winning Manning will be insulted and complain to
his mother.
LeBron James will sign a 10 year contract with the Cleveland
Cavaliers for a billion dollars. The same guys who said free
agency would ruin baseball 30 years ago will say this deal will
ruin basketball.
Beautiful tennis star Ana Ivanovic will retire from the game
to play Grace Kelly opposite Brad Pitt in a bio pic of the Hollywood
actress and Monaco royal highness. Ana will be such a smash in
the role that she will be offered starring roles in a dozen other
movies and the hosting job for the Tonight Show after Jay Leno
replacement Conan O’Brien proves to be a big bust.
Tiger Woods’ sore knees will prevent him from resuming his
golf career at the same level he had achieved before his surgery.
Woods will quit the game by the end of the year and become the
new car czar under President Obama.
The secretary of state job will prove to be too much for Hillary
Clinton. She will announce that she will run again for her New
York senate seat against Caroline Kennedy in 2010. Bill Clinton
will replace her as secretary of state.
George Bush will become baseball commissioner and Condoleeza
Rice will become football commissioner. David Stern will sign
a new 10 year contract as NBA commissioner.
Laura Bush will write a best selling book entitled, “Dunces
I Have Known and Some I Have Been Married To” with chapters
on Chaney, Rumsfeld and Bush 43.
The current president will meet the new president on January
20 in the White House. He will address Obama as “44.”
Son of Sam killer David Berkowitz, who used a .44 caliber pistol
for his shootings, will write an open letter claiming he is the
only one entitled to be called .44.
Yankee owner George Steinbrenner will be elected into Baseball’s
Hall of Fame in a special election. He will fire half his Yankee
staff for not making this happen years ago.
Mets owner Fred Wilpon, who claims he lost 400 million dollars
in the Bernard Madoff Ponzi scheme, will change the name of his
new stadium called Citi Field to Ponzi Park.
Manhattan’s Wall Street, the center of New York’s financial
district, will be renamed Wailing Wall Way in honor of all the
losers.
Rupert Murdoch, the only American publisher with money, will
buy The New York Times. He will print a picture of Angelina
Jolie’s lips on the front page of his first edition.
David Letterman will sign a new deal for a nine o’clock
prime time show before Leno’s 10 o’clock show. Nightline
will start at eight o’clock. Observers will call all this
the backwards Benjamin Button blast.
President Obama will build a basketball court above the swimming
pool in the White House. It will have a retractable roof so that
three man teams will feel like they are playing outdoors in Chicago’s
heat.
The Yankees and Mets will be in first place in June, the stock
market will soar upwards in July, Obama will have his first spat
with Joe Biden in August, Tom Cruise will have his second baby
with Katie Holmes in September and will keep it a secret until
2010 and bank bailout money will be distributed equally to all
Americans in December.
Oh, yeah, writers on TheColumnists.com will earn a dozen Pulitzers.
©2009 by Maury Allen.
The Maury Allen caricature is ©2001 by Jim Hummel. The illustration
is from IMSI's Master Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd.
E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA. This column first posted
Jan. 5, 2009.
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