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The Last American Male to Take Up Golf) |
Geist scores a hole in one
with his great anti-golf book
of TheColumnists.com
ABOUT
HALF a century ago one of my sportswriting heroes, Jimmy Cannon,
wrote a line that stayed taped across my head like a band-aid
on a teenager’s zit.
“No game can be considered a sport,” wrote Cannon in
the New York Post, “in which a 70-year-old man can beat
a 20-year-old man.”
This came back in a rush recently for two significant reasons.
There is a move on to anoint golfer Tiger Woods as America’s
greatest athlete. Not greatest golfer ever. Greatest athlete.
Ahead of Babe Ruth, Michael Jordan, Muhammad Ali, Jim Thorpe,
Jim Brown or Secretariat.
The four legged speedster is in there because another argument
in which I am in a distinct minority put races horses against
humans in many listings of the 20th century’s “greatest
athletes.” Balderdash.
Arnold Palmer hasn’t been beating Woods these days, so the
age act really can’t get a fair test there. But a lot of
older guys in neighborhood clubs still whip the pants off their
sons and grandsons, wives and daughters in friendly romps around
the grass.
All of this mania about the alleged sport called golf gets a
good going over in Bill Geist’s delightful treatise on the
subject called, “Fore! Play: The Last American Male To Take
Up Golf" (Warner Books), the most honest appraisal of the
game since the invention of the Golf Channel.
One page 173, Geist offers up some of the most significant tips
about the game after trying to learn it and enjoy it without
any success.
“Always keep your own score,” writes Geist. “Remember
your best wood is your pencil.”
“Remove those little knit booties from woods before using,”
he writes.
“Don’t shout ‘You da man’ after someone hits
or sooner or later someone will kick your butt--and rightfully
so,” advises Geist.
“Toss ball out of sand trap with a handful of sand for authenticity,”
he says.
“Don’t be embarrassed about your 40-45 handicap. The
worse you are in golf the better your chance of winning--or something
like that,” he suggests.
“Every so often skip a hole--still the fastest way we know
to take 8 to 10 strokes off your game,” the CBS reporter
offers.
“Carry a paper bag in your golf bag big enough to fit over
your head,” Geist declares.
Geist’s study of the game in his book is not only one of
the most amusing descriptions of golf, it is one of the most
honest. That is why few golfers will read it. They take the game
too seriously.
An old sportswriter pal of mine used to brag about how he missed
his own daughter’s wedding. When questioned about his family
furor, he proudly said, “I told her not to schedule it at
tee-off time on my off day.”
“The county I live in has tens of thousands of golfers registered
to play at three public courses, and Lord knows how many unregistered,”
writes Geist. “They will arrive at the Paramus, New Jersey
course at 10 p.m. on a Thursday night so they can be first in
line at 6 a.m. Friday when the sign-up sheet for tee times for
Saturday is put up.”
When I was a kid we shoveled snow off city playground basketball
courts to shoot a few hoops. If we got a three man game going,
we could stay out there as long as we won.
That’s all I know about competing for playing fields. Baseball,
fast-pitch softball and slow-pitch, the games I played enthusiastically
in college years and Army time, always had call-in reserved fields.
And if we played we sweated. That’s a sport.
Tennis became my game in middle age and I am famous at my local
club, not for a whipping backhand, a devastating forehand or
even a clever disguised lob. I’m famous for showing up.
Need a fourth? Call me.
I tried golf a couple of times in my distant youth. I couldn’t
hit a ball straight or far. The wait until the guy ahead of me
finished his shot bored me. The language of the game and the
fanaticism of the players annoyed me.
My father-in-law played the game all his life. He never asked
me to join him. He knew my feelings about golf. He was in his
90s when he noticed his game was slowing down. He decided then
it was time to check out.
Tiger Woods is a great golfer, maybe the greatest ever. Is he
a great athlete? C’mon. Michael Jordan is pretty good at
Tiger’s game. I don’t think Tiger could be any good
at Michael’s. Wasn’t it Mark Twain who described golf
as a good walk spoiled.
Golf is a nice game for guys wanting a look at better mowed grass
than their own. Is it a sport? Are the practitioners athletes?
Not in this guy’s book or Geist’s.
Michael Jordan is a great athlete. Tiger Woods is a great golfer.
As Samuel Clemens might say, “Never the Twain will meet.”
© 2001 by Maury Allen.
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