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 of HALLOWEEN
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Ring his doorbell, kids,
and you're in for it!
of TheColumnists.com
I hated it as a
kid and I hate it more as a senior. I hate the stupid costumes
and I hate those annoying rings on my door bell when I am settling
in for my late afternoon nap or my early dinner.
I hate the screeching kids and I hate the obese mothers howling
from a hundred yards away for the kids not to take anything that
isn’t wrapped.
It all goes back to the days when I was a kid and paraded around
my Brooklyn neighborhood in some white sheet my mother threw
over my head as a ghost in search of hard candy. I always hated
hard candy. It tastes awful, it gets stuck in your teeth and
it makes your hands sticky for a week afterwards.
If anything good like a chocolate bar showed up in my Halloween
pumpkin before I could get it home, a bigger kid or my older
brother would rip it off before I could spread it out for examination
on the kitchen table.
How about those stupid costumes?
The girls, especially, annoyed me as a kid when they marched
along the city streets dressed as painted princesses from some
fairy tale they never read. They all thought they were hot shots
because they had makeup on at the age of seven or eight and wore
crowns that supposedly allowed them more space on the sidewalk.
The older guys always jumped ahead of us little kids and they
were quick with the nasty remarks and spray stuff. I never liked
to knock on a door where the big guys had already been. The door
was filled with sticky shaving cream and the grouchy owners would
blame us for all the dirt on their lawns and cars.
I always thought I would come as Boo Radley from "To Kill
a Mockingbird"and scare the hell out of all the other kids
along the street. My idea of a perfect Halloween was sitting
behind some tree and scaring the parents.
All holidays now start several months before the calendar dates.
The stores have been filled with costumes for weeks and the howling
kids are fighting with exhausted parents for days prior to the
purchase.
Halloween, like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, Secretary
Day and Bosses’ Day (can you imagine that one) is all about
business. The stores do all they can to discourage parents from
sitting down in the quiet of their own homes, coming up with
a unique idea of their own and sewing some old bed sheets together
for the kids. No. It all has to be purchased in the nearest store
for the big bucks.
How about the candy the kids collect?
Some nut (it wasn’t me) put a razor blade in a candy bar
some years back and the country panicked. Now every kid’s
treat has to pass the security inspection before it makes it
into the bag. What a lesson that teaches the kids.
Think about the hobbled seniors (guys like me) trying to open
a medicine jar for some needed pills these days. Some loony person
poisoned the Tylenol some years back and now it takes a screwdriver
and a hammer to open a jar of aspirin tablets. Grumble, grumble.
Remember when Woodward and Bernstein made fun of Nixon in their
Watergate book because he had to bite off the top of an aspirin
jar to get a couple of pills for a headache. Now all of us, over
50, have become Nixon. I defy any senior to open a medicine jar
without bitching.
I think the parents of today should forget about purchasing expensive
Halloween costumes and buying expensive candy for the visiting
kids.
Take the money and write a check for Katrina or Rita victims
instead. Send a few bucks to a charity organization in Mexico’s
Cancun.
I expect to put a huge “Beware of the Dog” sign in
front of my home or maybe just a big “For Sale” on
the front door to keep away the silly dressed pests.
Oh, by the way. My 10-year-old granddaughter will go trick or
treating as a bowl of candy in an outfit made at home by her
Mom. My seven year old grandson will come around his neighborhood
homes as a soccer ball.
My four year old grandson is adorable in his Superman outfit
with the same S shirt and red cape his father wore about three
decades ago.
My three month old granddaughter, by the way, will be fully dressed
in her Super Baby outfit just in case you asked.
As for the Halloween Scrooge, he’ll be pulling his Boo Radley
bit through the peep hole in the door.
Imagine what he has planned for Christmas.
©2005 by Maury Allen. The Maury Allen
caricature is ©2001 by Jim Hummel, but someone's been messing
with it this time. This column first posted on Oct. 21, 2005.
You
can comment on this column online. Please address your message
to either "The Editors" or Maury Allen. To send an
email, click here: talkback@thecolumnists.com
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