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If Cousin Sophie believes it,
it surely must be true!
of TheColumnists.com
(The
controversy surrounding The Da Vinci Code emanates from author
Dan Brown's suggestion that Jesus didn’t die on the cross
but married Mary Magdalene, escaped to France, had a family and
has heirs running around the world today. I recently interviewed
my cousin Sophie. Our fathers were brothers so we are celebrating
Father’s Day together.)
“Of
course, I’m related to Jesus. Isn’t everybody? You
know he’s one of us. He was 33 years old, he was still living
at home and his mother thought he was God.”
“But, Sophie, the Bible says…”
“Bible, schmible, who has time to read such a big book?
Do they talk about doing the laundry in that book or ironing
your uncle Morris’s shirts?”
“But how did he get out of the Holy Land?”
“You don’t know? They had mileage in those days, too.
And you know he was a carpenter. What a boat he built? Do you
think they’d have all that trouble with the Titanic if they
let him build it in the French shipyard where he worked instead
of England where they always stop for tea at 4 p.m. and the workers
never know where to pick up.”
“OK, let’s say he got to France like you and Dan Brown
suggest. How are you related?”
“Well, his sister Naomi..”
“Wait a minute. There’s no mention of a sister Naomi
in the Bible.”
“Of course not, silly. She was the shy one. She wouldn’t
go around making speeches like Jesus did. She stayed home, took
care of the folks and got her own cabin on the boat when they
moved out for Marseille.”
“So when did they arrive in France?”
“Oh, maybe two, three weeks later. That boat could really
move. Naomi did all the cooking on the craft. She had some free
time, though. That’s how they invented mah jong and canasta.”
“You mean to say when they sailed from the Holy Land to
France they passed the time playing mah jong?"
”Of course. You think the Chinese invented everything?”
“What happened when they arrived in France?”
“They started inventing a few more things like fried potatoes,
mistresses and learning how to surrender if anybody wanted Paris.”
“OK, OK, so Jesus made it to Paris. But how are we related?”
“Oh, that’s easy. He had the four kids with Mary--the
oldest, Sheldon, the smart one; Sylvia, what a cook, just like
her mother; Sheila, the tramp and Marvin, the banker.”
“They had banks, then?”
“Of course, you think Shylock invented those high interest
rates?”
“Now what’s this about Sheila being a tramp?”
“Well, we don’t like to talk too much about her. But
everybody knows. She slept around. Nothing but aggravation for
Jesus and Mary. She even played loud music in her room.”
“Now wait a minute, Sophie, they didn’t have electronic
fixtures in France then for connecting the equipment.”
“Who said anything about equipment? They came into her room,
some of her boy friends, and they hammered away on the rocks
and the walls of the house. They called it music then. Just like
the noise you hear today in the rooms of the grandchildren. They
hammer away on the walls now and call it music. Do you know the
latest report showed everybody from the boomer generation is
deaf from rock?”
“No, I haven’t heard that but I guess it’s so
because I have never known you to fib, Sophie. You’re no
James Frey.”
“Anyway, Sheila slept around and before you knew it, there
were cousins and uncles and aunts all over the place. They started
moving out and headed to Russia where they heard the streets
were paved with oil and to Brazil because they had topless beaches
and even to England because they heard the tea was free.”
“But what about the family connection? How did you get into
that?”
“Ahh, let me tell you about that one. You talk about the
Bible. Remember where it says in the Bible about the begats and
the begets and all that down through the years?”
“That’s how the generations are connected.”
“Exactly. That’s how we know we are related. They kept
good records. Lots of begats led to the Sheldons and the Marvins
and the Sophies I might say in our own family. Well, you remember
that cousin we had when we were kids? That Marvin something.
I think he moved out to California, got into the movie business
and had something to do with this film they are all fussing about.
I think he calls himself Marvin Da Vinci now but I know he changed
his name. I think originally it was maybe Melvin Da Vinci or
Seymour Da Vinci. You know how they all change their names when
they become big shots.”
“Yeah, I guess I’ve heard of that. Marilyn Monroe.
She wasn’t a Marilyn or a Monroe. She was a Norma Jean.
Too common so she became a Marilyn.”
“That’s how it all happened.”
“So this Da Vinci movie was made by somebody in our family.
You got that from our tree?”
“Now you got it. Remember how your mother and father used
to whisper when you were little and they didn’t want you
to know something? That was the code. Nothing has changed.”
“Well, Sophie, I gotta go now. I have to get this interview
up on our web site. Thanks for the bagels and the tea.”
“You’re welcome. Oh, one last question about this movie.
You’re the educated one in the family. You probably know
how this movie business works. Do we get paid since we are related
to the subject?”
“Sophie, the check is in the mail.”
©2006 by Maury Allen. The Maury Allen caricature is ©2001
by Jim Hummel. The illustration is from IMSI's Master Clips Collection,
1895 Francisco Blvd. East, San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA. This
column first posted June 12, 2006.
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