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American in Paris |
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Reasons why the French
need call-blocking soon
of TheColumnists.com
"Hey, Jacques. Phone call.
"Who is it?
"Bush?"
"Oh, merde. Tell him I’m tied up with Corsica."
"He says it’s
important. Says he wants to mend fences."
"Tell him it’s Ariel Sharon who’s the fence specialist."
"C’mon Jacques."
"Allo."
"Hi, Jacques."
"Don’t 'Hi, Jacques' me. Thought you’d thrown
away my number."
"I got it from Tony. So, how’re things over at the
Elysées Palace? Long time no hear, Jacques."
"You can call me Monsieur le President."
"Sure, Monsieur the President, whatever you like. I understand
you’re a little more formal over there in the old world."
"One more crack like that and I’ll hang up. What do
you want, George?"
"I want to put all this bad blood over Iraq behind us, rebuild
the bonds of Franco-American friendship. Down in Texas, when
pals have a falling out, we say we squirt a few drops of oil
to get rid of the squeaks."
"Are you talking long term exploration and production contracts?"
"Nothing like that. Look Jacques, you don’t mind if
I call you Jacques, do you? I’ll be frank with you. I’ve
got a real problem here. These Iraqis are just plain nuts. I
mean, after all we’ve done for them, they’re acting
like a bunch of spoiled brats. I thought these people would show
some gratitude. After all, I’ve told ‘em a hundred
times that, thanks to us, things are gonna get much better for
them some day."
"Maybe you should go over there yourself, George. Maybe
if they heard it right from the horse’s bouche?"
"That’s a good suggestion Jacques. In fact, I was thinking
about heading over there, but first I need to be sure that it’s
safe, if you know what I mean. That’s where you come in,
Jacques."
"How’s that, George?"
"Well, if you could spare say, 15 or 20,000 men, then our
guys could really concentrate on the electricity. That’s
the big hangup right now, the electricity. Because if I’m
gonna go over there, I need to be sure the a-c won’t fail."
"Listen, George, I’ve been talking with Dominique de
Villepin and we’ve worked out a policy of pragmatism. You
remember Dominique don’t you? One of your guys said that,
‘with a pansy name like that, no wonder he’s chicken
to go over there and kick some ass.’
"Jacques, let’s let bygones be bygones. Now tell me
about that pragmatic policy."
"Well, basically George, our policy is that you created
this whole mess in the first place, so now it’s your baby.
I don’t want to say we told you so, but …"
"Gimme a break, Jacques. We sent our soldiers over there
on three month tourist visas. Told ‘em to pack light. Now,
they’re starting to complain about the tents and the Army
food. They’re dying to get back home and sink their teeth
into a Big Mac and freedom, excuse me, French fries."
"Why don’t you try some third world countries? Certainly
you can bully them into sending a few thousand guys. Tell them
you’ll cut off next year’s episodes of 'Friends' if
they don’t play ball. Besides, most of them are overpopulated
anyway."
"I tried that, Jack. The Indians told me to ask the Pakistanis
instead. And the Pakistanis sent me to the Turks. And you know
what the Turks said."
"George, I don’t think I’m gonna be able to help
you on this, but if I were to send some of our guys over there,
what would they do?"
"Not much, Jack. Just shoot the radical types, capture the
guerrillas and disarm the rest of the population. Think of the
photo ops, Jacques. Picture yourself as the bold national leader
zooming down onto the deck of an aircraft carrier to salute the
victorious French troops. I can even lend you a flight suit,
used only once."
"Even if I were willing to run this up the old tricolor
flagpole, George, I’m pretty sure nobody over here would
salute it."
"Jacques, I’m not talking about a one-way street. Work
with me on this one and you can have access to all our most sensitive
intelligence data."
"Like the African uranium?"
"No, not that cock-and-bull stuff my people invent. The
real thing. You know, we’ve got live spy cams in a Sultan’s
harem over there. You’ll love it. Tony watches nearly every
night."
"Ah, you poor Anglo-Saxon puritans."
"How about a team of economists from the University of Chicago?
They’d help you get your economy rolling again."
"Sounds like more African uranium to me. Listen, George,
did you talk to Gerhardt Shroeder about this?"
"Yeah, I just spoke to Gerhardt."
"What did he say?"
"That I should talk to you. Jacques, tell me, what would
it take to get you on the team?"
"I don’t want to be crude, George, but maybe you could
squirt in some of that oil."
©2003 by Kenneth Dreyfack.
The cartoon illustrations are from IMSI's Master Clips Collection,
1895 Francisco Blvd. E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA.
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