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 Online investors now may purchase six-month futures on miracle partings of oceans, seas and other large bodies of water like the Red Sea (pictured parting for Moses) |
All eyes fixed on 'bubble'
of Islamic faith futures
By KENNETH DREYFACK
of TheColumnists.com
The recent brouhaha over the Pentagon’s plan to create an online market for terrorism futures has drawn attention away from other innovative on-line markets which are thriving. Foremost among these is the ferociously active, highly successful IDEX, the International Deity Exchange, which has seen trading volumes soar in recent years.
“Past experience shows that free markets are the most efficient way to predict future events and trends. With soul searching on the upswing worldwide, it’s no surprise that people everywhere are vitally interested in placing their money on the beliefs most likely to yield attractive returns in the short-, mid- and long-term,” explained Dr. Christian Brotherhood, Chairman of the newly-created economics department at New York’s Union Theological Seminary.
The 24/7/365 online market enables investors to purchase futures on a wide range of vehicles, including divine revelations, healing, resurrections and an increasingly broad portfolio of miracles. For example, an investor can purchase a six-month future for the opening of the waters of a particular river or sea. If he pays say, $5, and the waters do indeed open before the six months expire, the seller must pay the buyer $100. In this case, the investor would get, in addition to spiritual satisfaction, a $95 return on this initial $5 investment. If the waters do not open, the seller would pocket the $5.
“Anyone can trade. There are only two conditions: you need a major credit card, and you’ve got to believe,” gushed Faith Supreme, senior analyst at Interfaith Mutual Funds (IMF) in Jerusalem. Demand has been so strong for IMF’s Judeo Islamic hedge fund that the company is now putting together a tri-faith offering tailored especially for holy city investors.
IDEX volume and prices have skyrocketed in recent months, driving the Ecum, the main market index, to unprecedented levels. The Ecum, short for Ecumenical 500 average, is a market-basket average of the world’s major denominations. Prices have soared not only for Big Three blue chip monotheistic issues but also for polytheism, sects, heresies and a variety of high-risk start-ups. Clustered in the teaming environment of the U.S. Bible Belt and in California, these daring, innovative ventures promise apocalyptic returns, often on a short-term basis.
Thanks to the upsurge in activity, the liquidity problems which impeded trading in Baptist and other specialized beliefs are now a thing of the past. “Market fundamentalists are stronger than ever and that’s fueling zeal across the board,” revealed Mohammed el Seer, head of Divine Econometrics for Transcendental Commodities in Mecca. As proof, el Seer cites the bull market for Hindu-related revelations and the seemingly insatiable demand for second coming issues.
IDEX gurus, who are plentiful, note continuing demand even for non-investment grade futures, which include such so-called ‘junk beliefs’ as millennium apocalyptics and other ‘end-of-the-world is at hand’ (EOW) offerings. “Of course the EOW’s are highly speculative, but in this market, the sky is the limit,” proclaimed Trinity Kim, Senior Vice President at Moon Brothers in Seoul.
The market has been troubled in the past by speculation over divine intervention and efforts by central theologians to re-establish traditionally revered rates and ratios. But nowadays, most eyes are now focused on the Islamic bubble which has been inflating regularly for the past few years. While growth in the Middle East, Africa and Asia Pacific continues unabated, some experts question the fundamental ability of fatwas issued by starry-eyed clerics to deliver on their promises. “Inch Allah. Orthodoxy doesn’t work in this environment. It’s the karma that counts today,” preaches Peter Pope at Icon Trading in Moscow.
How long the miraculous
ascension of the IDEX can continue is an open question. But there
can be no doubt that, when it comes to transforming market vision
into con- or trans-substantial gains, investor hope springs eternal.
©2003 by Kenneth Dreyfack. The cartoon illustration is from
IMSI's Master Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. E., San
Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA.
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