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BUCKY FOX |
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TO HATE ABOUT SPORTS |
 Exclusive image of Bucky Fox 'hulking out' while watching hateful sports stuff |
Sports would be more fun
if they made these changes
of TheColumnists.com
We fans love sports. We get juiced over combinations in a heavyweight title fight, turtlenecks in the World Series, sacks in the NFL playoffs.
Yet some things bug us: NFL replay reviews that take forever, 0-0 hockey games, cold stadium hot dogs.
Let’s face it. It’s fun to bitch. We do it by e-mail with friends all the time. Recently I exchanged gripes with a couple of writer pals--Tony Batt in Washington, D.C., and Ed Schmidt in Orlando, Fla.--and compiled 20 Things We Hate About Sports.
1. Old-timer uniforms. When the Lakers visited the 76ers this season, they wore ’60s-style garb. Management should realize there’s a reason teams otherwise avoid those uniforms. They’re out of fashion. Stick with a major-league look. The worst are the Detroit Lion Thanksgiving high school outfits. Give it a rest, NFL. The idea is a turkey.
2. Quarterback ratings. Every time Peyton Manning passed, CBS would show his QB rating: 90.6 or whatever. Does anyone know what that means? No. Ditto slugging percentage. If TV and newspapers don’t explain it, don’t use it.
3. Putt studying. Don’t you love it when golfers line up the ball and pin for 10 minutes and miss anyway?
4. Video gazing. Nothing is as pretentious as players and coaches staring at themselves on the stadium video screen. You’d think Jon Gruden and Marshall Faulk would have something deeper to think about. Like the game.
5. Foul balls. This practice of fouling off half a dozen balls while seeking a pitch to hit has become an epidemic. As if baseball weren’t slow enough.
6. Frivolous celebrations. A guy makes a tackle and dances like he clinched the division title. Save it for when it counts. Then there are pounding the chest and pointing skyward. Whatever those mean.
7. Oblivious TV announcers. A player easily makes a first down, as we see by way of TV’s yellow line. Yet broadcasters invariably say, “He might’ve picked it up.” What game are they watching?
8. Covering mouths. Coaches and pitchers do it all the time with sheets and mitts. As if anyone can read their lips.
9. Roman numerals. Quick. Who played in Super Bowl XVI? Supe XXII? Of course you don’t know. Real fans remember title games by their years. Yet somehow the media got sucked into using those NFL designations.
10. Coach and player interviews. They say nothing compelling. So quit dragging them on the air. Jet coach Herm Edwards is a regular interviewee on Tony Bruno’s radio show out of L.A., and what’s the point? Edwards wouldn’t even make playoff predictions for fear of ticking off next-year opponents. Go the Tony Kornheiser route: Interview reporters, who don’t have an ax to grind. Too bad Kornheiser is leaving ESPN radio.
11. Goaltenders. Do away with this soccer concept. It’s tough enough getting close to scoring. Then waiting is the gloved dude, a Berlin Wall that spoils the fun of multigoal games. Tear it down.
12. Clipping and holding. Those penalties ruin the flow of football. Solution: Legalize them.
13. Fat football coaches. Mark Mangino at Kansas, Ralph Friedgen at Maryland, Andy Reid with the Eagles--these big-gut guys have the gall to run their players silly.
14. Slow-motion tennis serving motions. John McEnroe and Boris Becker were two of the most painful. Andre Agassi is the way to go: rock and fire.
15. Tight strike zones. Message to umps: Punch ’em out of there. Too many batters are just standing around.
16. Draft references. “Sam Stud, a fifth-rounder in 1997, breaks up the play.” I couldn’t care less about a player’s draft past.
17. True freshman. Another mindless reference you hear on TV. What about that fake freshman?
18. Leaping students. Duke hoop fans and their fellow lemmings around the country should save their energy for post-game parties.
19. Courtside and sideline reporters. No one can possibly respect Jim Gray and Lisa Guerrero--because they add nothing. These talkers make you cringe because you know the coaches and players they stop to interview at halftime and after the game hate them. In the history of TV sports, exactly one sideline interview produced a next-day story: Joe Namath’s drunken proposition to Suzy Kolber. Stop this annoying waste of time, and let's watch the game.
20. Dropped passes. A pro receiver makes megamoney to do one thing: catch the football. He gets maybe five chances the whole game to do his job. Still, he manages to drop a gimme. Nothing on this list do I hate more.
©2004 by Bucky Fox. The illustration is from IMSI's Master Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA.
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