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OF HIS 'PERKS'  "I'm sorry, but the President has cancelled today's press conference. He says he'd rather play 'desert war' in his sandbox--and if you don't like it, you can 'lump it!'" |
Sure, it's a real tough job,
but look at the perks!
of TheColumnists.com
Don’t you wonder why they all run for president?
I mean, did Al Sharpton run to get in shape? Did Joe Lieberman plan a standup on Inauguration Day? Was Carole Moseley Braun hoping the IRS would audit Charles Barkley for calling her Sister Girl? Did Howard Dean dream of escaping Vermont’s snow? If Wesley Clarke won, what marching orders did he have for himself? Would John Edwards the trial lawyer become a President Named 'Sue'?
Dennis Kucinich is still running with a punch line: his Peace Department. Actually, there’s more to his power play. This bachelor admits he’s chasing chicks. And soon he’ll be cashing checks on speaking engagements.
Then there’s John Kerry, who really could win. He wants us to believe that if he were running things, America would be in good shape.
That could be.
Yet is that really why Kerry runs? Is benevolence why the aforementioned all yearn to live at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.? Is love of country what makes President Bush want to keep his high rank?
Are you kidding?
It’s the job, baby. The perks. The mansion. The jets. The five-star hotels. The salary.
OK, forget the salary for the finalists. Four hundred grand is like hamburger to Mr. Heinz’s steak lifestyle. And lefty reminds us constantly about rich-loving Bush, who hardly needs his presidential pay, not to mention his $50,000 nontaxable expense account.
So, back to the perks. The bodyguards. The whirlwind travel. The aides.
On election night in 2000, when NBC called Bush the winner and well before the Florida follies, Brian Williams intoned: “He will never have to open a door himself again.”
That’s what presidential aides are for.
And when presidents tire of aides, they turn to anyone.
President Carter wanted to talk peace? He called Sadat.
President Reagan wanted to tear down the Berlin Wall? He called on Gorbechev.
President Clinton wanted to talk culture? He buzzed Madonna.
When Carter left the presidency, Rosalynn found this most depressing: no more fascinating people at her beck and call.
And think of where presidents see them.
In the White House, America’s very own palace.
At Camp David, the 125-acre retreat in the Maryland mountains.
In the presidential limo, 21 feet worth of gadgets and leg room.
Aboard Air Force One, 4,000 square feet worth of luxury.
And in any hotel presidential suite in the world.
They can change the world from any of those spots. And feel good about leading 260 million fellow citizens. As President Nixon said in his resignation speech, “To have served in this office is to have felt a very personal sense of kinship with each and every American.”
So what’s the price of this grand existence? Pressure. Dead soldiers. Hungry families. Threats on America. Presidents bear such burdens every day.
So you wonder: Why is Bush running again? Presidential perks aside, who needs the grief? Plus, absolutely no job compares with ex-president.
You want the good life? Here it is: over $166,000 a year in pension geld, plus Secret Service protection and staff for life. Clinton set up post-presidential camp in Harlem. Talk about party time.
Of course, you must win to become an ex-president. So, as cushy a job as vice president is, you better believe Dick Cheney has his shaky heart set on the top job in 2008.
He knows that presidents
enjoy the deepest of all political perks: They’re in the
dictionary forever.
©2004 by Bucky Fox. The illustration is from IMSI's Master
Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506,
USA.
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