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AN ALMANAC EXCLUSIVE |
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FRANCE STRIKES BACK  Plight of the French Chef in America "Alors! I no longer may prepare le souffle, les crepes, les omelettes, le compote-- nothing but le boiled water! I'm not even le chef any more. C'est tragique!" |
War of spite escalates:
French recall their words
of TheColumnists.com
President Bush recently vowed to “punish the French” for their stubborn opposition to America’s military incursion in Iraq. In response, the powerful French Academy (l’Academie Francaise) ruled this week that all French words borrowed by Americans for “enriching their language” since the 19th century will have to be returned to France.
In addition, the Academy will ban, to its great pleasure, the use of Americanisms in France such as le week-end, le hamburger, le hot-dog, le ketchup, le cow-boy, le base-ball and le kidnappeur.
The recall of several hundred French words will come as a serious blow to America’s economy, especially in food services, the fashion industry and in the arts and culture. Many occupations will be wiped out and everyday conversation and communications will also be handicapped by the recall.
Spyros Thessalianikonos, proprietor of a large chain of diners throughout the northeast was devastated by the news. “We can’t have a menu anymore,” he complained. “How does it look if have to hand my patrons a “Bill of Fare” like they did a hundred years ago? And what do we do for our soup de jour (usually, it is chicken soup with matzoh balls on Fridays) or salads, entrees and desserts? All those words will have to go back to France, you know.”
Milton Radish, a spokesman
for the American Restaurant Association, predicted that the French
recall would be catastrophic. “For starters,” he sighed,
“we will have to find a new organization name: restaurants,
cafes, bistros and cabarets–all gone. Chefs
will be fired, joining the maitres d’, sommeliers
and restaurateurs on the bread lines. But the bread will
have to be pumpernickel because baguettes, brioches and
croissants will be no more.” Food choices and presentation
will be sorely limited, according to Mr. Radish. “No more
banquets or buffets,” he added shaking his
head, “and forget canapes, crepes, crudites, compotes,
demitasses, eclairs, filets, mousses, omelets, pates, parfaits,
quiches, souffles and, let us not forget--mayonnaise.”
Joining the clamor, representatives of tourist organizations
fear that whole industries would be wiped out. Hotels
will be gone, along with the coveted deluxe ratings. Antique
shops, boutiques, massage parlors and garages will
also be shuttered. Even the health industry will be deeply affected
without clinics, ambulances, bandages, tourniquets or
triage capabilities.
America’s world of fashion and retailing is threatened with
billions of dollars in losses. Haute couture will disappear
along with lingerie, blouses, brassieres, negligees, bandeaux,
chemises, chiffon, tulle, culottes, chamois, suede and mannequins.
The terms of the trade will be subdued when chic, adorable,
cachet, éclat, mystique, outre, panache, petite, la mode
and vogue are repatriated.
Arts, letters and cultural activities nationwide will also feel
the full weight of the rash French decision. Art, itself a borrowed
French term dating back to the 13th century, will have to do
without ateliers, avant-garde, montages, decor, genre, pastels,
palettes, gouache, tableaux and silhouettes. Writers
will be robbed of their cliches – bête noire,
brouhaha, debacle, déjà vu, ménage à
trois, faux pas, ennui, gauche, insouciance, laissez-faire, metier,
bon mot, riposte, sang-froid, liaison, boudoir, rendezvous
and of course, romance. Show biz and theaters will also
feel the pinch when ballet goes the way of burlesque
and ingenues won’t make their debuts. Also
hitting the skids are premieres, satire, loges, troupes, reprises
and risqué performances.
Government, business and the military will also be big losers
The Administration and diplomacy will suffer without departments,
bureaus, diplomats, dossiers, détente, bulletins and
personnel. Corporate CEO’s will be devastated to
learn that they no longer have chauffeurs, and the military
will have to make do without brigades, reconnaissance and
camouflage.
French Academy officials
insist that they are being merciful in recalling only words borrowed
during the past 200 years. Their edict could have created even
more monumental chaos, they pointed out, if they had insisted
on the return of all borrowed and French derived words introduced
into the English language in the seven centuries following the
successful Norman invasion of Britain in 1066. The Academy’s
Adjutant General for Linguist Borrowings, Prof. Gaston Cul du
Cheval, expanded on this “act of charity.”
“If we were to take back all the French words that were
borrowed or corrupted by the English speaking people, you would
have to find new names to run governments, armies, judicial systems,
the arts and sciences, the clergy or to provide food. Without
the linguistic help of the French,” he boasted, ”you
would still be grunting like Vikings.” He offered a small
sampling of 11th to 16th century French-derived terms to make
his point:
Government: government, tax, revenue, city, state, treasurer, liberty, mayor, coroner, traitor and treason.
Judicial System: justice, attorney, jury, verdict, plaintiff, sentence, plead, indict, acquit, assault, libel and fraud.
Clergy: clergy, prayer, cardinal, religion, faith, preach, sacred and devotion.
Military: military, army, division, regiment, soldier, battle, defense, combat, guard, uniform, general, colonel, captain, lieutenant, sergeant and corporal.
Arts and Sciences: art, science, painting, sculpture, beauty, poet, story, tragedy, prologue, paper, pen, palace, cathedral, mansion, grammar, dance, theater, geometry, acrobat, audition, physician, surgeon and hospital.
Food: beef, mutton, veal, pork, poultry, cutlet, sauce, legume, oil, onion, mustard, jelly, olives, melon, soup, sausage, lemon, dinner, supper, roast, boil, broil, grill, appetite, taste, pastry and napkin.
The Bush Administration
response to France’s “wanton act of arrogance”
was predictable. The President, still smarting from what he called
the “Chirac Attack,” once again criticized France as
a country that lacks leadership, initiative and industriousness.
Repeating an observation that he made recently, President Bush
complained: “The problem with the French is that they don’t
have a word for entrepreneur.”
©2003 by Sid Frigand. The illustration is from IMSI's Master Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA.
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