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WEAPONS FOUND IN IRAQ! EXCLUSIVE DRAWINGS OF DEADLY ARMAMENTS!!! |
 HIDDEN IRAQI CATAPULT This long-range catapult was found near caches of apothecary jars filled with what could well be biological weapons--or perhaps camphor, frankincense and myrrh |
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By SID FRIGAND
of TheColumnists.com
Washington, DC, Oct. 16, 2003--David Kay, America's top weapons inspector, joyfully
announced today that his investigative team has uncovered a huge
cache of "unconventional weapons" (Washington no longer
refers to "weapons of mass destruction") in the heart
of Baghdad and less populated surrounding areas.
"It was right under our noses and we overlooked the evidence
we have been seeking since the start of the Iraqi conflict,"
Kay reported, as he stood in front of a massive display of deadly
scimitars (curved swords), qurz-maces (decorative
bludgeons), jambiyas (curved daggers), niza (lances),
crossbows, quivers, battle axes, swords and bucklers. "These
weapons, numbering in the thousands, were found in sealed subterranean
chambers under the Baghdad Antiquities Museum where even the
looters overlooked them," he explained.
"Now that we have gotten rid of that damned WMD terminology,
we have finally found the smoking sword," boasted Mr. Kay.
While skeptics maintained that much of this weaponry dated back
to the Crusades in 1095 A.D., Barry Munchausen, the Pentagon
spokesperson, insisted that in the wrong hands they still constituted
a threat to peace-loving democratic nations. He cited, as well,
the discovery of buried arms in supposed archeological sites
90 kilometers southwest of the Capital. "We found awesome
siege weapons such as Ballistas (giant crossbows), Magonels
(medium range catapults), the dreaded Trebachets (long
range catapults) and massive battering rams--all still functional--and
God knows, clearly unconventional."
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Military historians, however, insist that some of these buried armaments, especially the siege weapons and battering rams, were actually buried by the armies of Nebuchadnezzar II in about 600 B.C. when he finished off Jerusalem and didn't want to be encumbered by all that hardware on the trip home. Undeterred, the Defense Department's top officials advised the press that the long range catapults illegally exceeded the Biblical proscriptions which limited the trajectory of such weapons to "a Sabbath day's journey" (about 3,600 feet.) "These long range catapults were so powerful they could slam a boulder into a fortress wall almost a mile away," Mr. Kay reported.
Mr. Kay also had on display dozens of amphora and other earthen vessels--probably smuggled from Greece or Rome disguised as wine--containing traces of hemlock, belladonna, cinnabar and green vitriol. In addition, investigators found widespread evidence of poisons developed indigenously, such as cyanide (prussic acid) extracted from peach pits.
"Regardless of the age of these noxious and lethal weapons of war," Munchausen declared, "they were developed in clear violation of the law and we had an obligation to employ our military forces to rid Iraq of this scourge and bring joy and the blessings of democracy to its people." He admitted that the current devastating ambushes and explosions in Iraq could be attributed to the fact that thousands of tons of weapons and explosives were stolen from Iraqi arsenals left unguarded by American forces.
"We have limited resources," he protested, "and we had to make critical choices: guard the captured arsenals or guard the oil facilities. How could we ever explain to the President or the Vice President that we chose the former?"
©2003 by Sid Frigand. The illustrations are from IMSI's Master Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA.
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