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THE NEW YORK OLYMPICS
A Women's Double Dutch Rope-Jumping Team Works Out for 2012 |
What if, Heaven forfend, we actually get the Games?
of TheColumnists.com
Who needs an Olympics In New York City? This city is recognized as the world’s center of entertainment, culture, style, communications, finance, trade and global business. And now it is the nation’s safest big city. We counted 39 million visitors in 2001 (prior to setbacks in travel nationally caused by 9/11), Obviously we don’t need to host the Summer Olympics to put the City on the map. Nevertheless, because of the persistent efforts of a small band of civic cheerleaders–which is so-o-o un-New York--we just might get the designation for 2012. If that happens, plans to build a monstrous controversial stadium on Manhattan’s West Side might be revived, despite the realities of a city that is financially strapped and local private sector corporations that are hurting as well.
If the Olympic games materialize here, the only solution is to use the city’s streets and existing facilities as our “Stadium.” For starters, there need not be an Olympic Village. Athletes will be required to live among their countrymen in the City’s vast number of ethnic enclaves. To save time and administrative costs, athletes will be encouraged to enter the country illegally, just like most everybody else in their adopted communities.
Recognizing that it is customary for the host nation to add new sports to the contest agenda, here are some money-saving new Olympic sports events for New York:
• Stickball. Get rid of baseball and substitute stickball. This quintessential New York game could be played on residential streets in the outer boroughs. All that is required is a broken broomstick or mop handle and a pink rubber Spalding ball–always called a “Spaldeen” in New York. Distances in stickball are measured in sewers (manhole covers). Underdeveloped nations without sewers will be eligible for American foreign aid and/or to use designated areas in the Bronx and Brooklyn for their Olympic trials in 2010.
• Women’s Double Dutch Rope Jumping. Substitute this exhausting and demanding exercise for rhythmic gymnastics with those silly ribbons and hoops. Rope jumping is another street sport requiring agility, speed and verbal dexterity. Participants, while jumping, must chant refrains alphabetically with ever-increasing speed, e.g.: “’A’ my name is Alice and my husband’s name is Abe, we live in Australia and we sell apples,” and so on to “Z.” In deference to the host nation, 26 letters will be required for this contest. Israeli and Greek women (whose alphabets have fewer letters) and Arabs and Russians (with larger alphabets) will be required to add or subtract letters to conform. Participating underdeveloped nations that do not have at least 26 different products to sell will also be eligible for foreign aid and World Bank financial assistance.
• Drive-by Shooting. Eliminate the 10 static, stodgy Olympic target shooting events and substitute Drive-by Shooting that has become a popular pastime in cities throughout the world. We suggest four action-packed categories: Pick-up Trucks, Unmarked Vans, SUV’s, and, in deference to traditional foreign techniques, Motor Bikes as well. Using city streets, contestants will be required to hit moving targets at speeds in excess of 45mph. Speed and accuracy count. Major points deducted for hitting innocent bystanders. If a guilty bystander is hit, it’s a do-over.
• Turnstile Jumping. Ever hear of Taekwondo? It is a Korean martial arts contest that sneaked into the Olympics when it was held in Seoul. Let’s replace that with a real New York sport: two-handed, one-handed and no hands turnstile jumps. Speed, stealth and skill are required to leap over a subway turnstile, run full speed down the stairs and catch a subway train before being apprehended by the police--which will immediately disqualify the contender.
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practices torch-lighting techniques for New York Olympic Games |
There are loads of other Olympic events that have been added-on over the years that are boring, banal and definitely not New York style events, e.g. badminton, field hockey, synchronized swimming, table tennis and beach volleyball. We could dump all of them and the world would little note nor long remember the loss. In their stead are still more exciting and demanding New York-style events that would be more relevant and need no new venues. Consider these: the 100-Meter Taxi Dash, the One-Day Sale Shopping Marathon at Bloomingdale’s, the Manhattan Motor Vehicle Bureau Endurance Queue, the Steeplechase in Riverside Park with a pack of frenzied panhandlers pursuing the contestants, the 5,000 Meter Dog Walk, the Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest and the 10,000 Meter, 40 Pound Shopping Bag Shlep.
In addition to these new contests, the opening and closing ceremonies could easily be held in public places. Opening festivities would be highlighted by a ticker tape parade of athletes marching up Broadway’s “Canyon of Heroes.” The traditional blizzard of paper would be available at no charge to the City, courtesy of Arthur Anderson and Company and other Wall Street firms who would donate two tons of shredded files for the spectacular display.
Earlier, a parade of “torches”--professional arsonists temporarily released from Rikers Island Prison for the occasion--would trudge in foot manacles to 34th Street and keep the top of the Empire State Building ablaze for the duration of the games. Times Square, which can hold a million people (depending on who is counting), would be the perfect venue for giant-sized projections of those Olympic contests held in high school gyms, Y’s and local college fields all over town.
Oh, yes--all Olympic events will, of course, be measured in New York minutes.
©2002 Sid Frigand. The illustrations are from IMSI's Master Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA.
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