Vol. 5, 2005
TRADITIONAL VIEW TYPICAL ADVERTISEMENT FROM RUSSIAN WEBSITE: #4562 Beautiful Kyrgyzstani girl seeking
American man from old country. Knows the score, will travel.
No goats please.
Almanac helps immigrant
fellow find a willing bride
By SID FRIGAND
Q. Mr. Baktabak Lhoszah of Grygla, Minn., writes: I am recent arrival from Kyrgyzstan and I worry. The New York newspaper Times print story last week about so many Kyrgyzstan men who kidnap young women to be their brides. The Grygla Eagle print this story, too. Now I am outcast. I am the only Kyrgyz in Grygla. I am shamed.
People are afraid of me. They think I will kidnap daughters. I am Muslim from central Asia and all I want is Muslim wife from central Asia. I am kind, strong and ladies tell me I have a very nice face. I come to America from my little town of Kyzyl-Kyya near the border of Uzbekistan. My girlfriend she was Uzbeki but she did not want to marry a sheepherd. Now in Grygla I clean the petrol station. Why I come to Grygla? Because in the language of my people it mean big symbol of manhood. It is very close to Canada and I walk across border, No one stop me.
Please Mr. Almanac can you help me? I am lonely and sacred.
A. Mr. Lhoszah, please dont fret and dont be scared (if that is what you meant to say). Almanac can help you. Too bad you were misled by your perceived phallic promises of Grygla*--a town so small (pop. 232) that there are only 15 women of marriageable age (no muslims) living there. Your town is poor, as well. The mean household income is $25,625 and your job at the service station pays less than half of that. To top it all off, Gryglas average temperature in January is 1.6º.
On the bright side, however, Almanac has learned that that are thousands of Central Asian women who are tired of milking goats and Nomadic drudgery and want to find hard-working, kind husbands in America. Others who have been abducted, abused and, worst of all, forced to live with in-laws are escaping. Many brave women, including many from your native Kyrgyzstan,** have already fled to Russia by the secret Womens Underground Oxen-cart Route or laboriously on footsteppe by steppe. They are now advertising for husbands through the Russian matchmaker websites.
If you have a computer in Grygla, you can access:
sunnysunnis/russkynet.com. There you will have your pick of comely brides-to-be. All of these lovely Central Asian women are modern Muslims and include photographs without chadors (veils). If you cannot get someone with a computer to help you, you can write to Sunny Sunnis, Central Asian Division, P.O. Box 23-9559, Russian Mission, AK 99559.
In addition to this general group of Eurasian women, there are websites with more ethnic specificity: KKKcuties.com (Kazakhs, Kyrgyz and Karakalpaks), Teasers.com (Tajiks, Tatars and Turkmen) and U2andmore.com (Uygurs, Uzbeks and Chuvashes). Unfortunately, most of these attractive ladies have livestock dowries that cannot be brought into this country because of a U.S. government crackdown on Mountain Sheep Scrapie and Mad Yak Disease.
Most important to you, Mr. Lhoszah, Almanac advises you to go to a larger city where some Eurasian kinfolk may reside. You seem to be a hearty hiker, having walked 50 miles from the Canadian border. Set your sights on Minneapolis; its only 282 miles from Grygla, as the Kryrgyz flies.
* There are conflicting theories about the origin of the name Grygla. Dr. Haakon Hammershark, a University of Minnesota historian, said it is definitely of Norwegian origin (although the word does not appear in any of the Norwegian-English on-line dictionaries). He claims that the town was settled in the 1850s by Thor Grygla, an itinerant barkeep who arrived in this idyllic setting with a wagonload of Carlsberg and aquavit and set up shop there. The Grygla Saloon was a Marshal County landmark for almost 70 years until Prohibition shuttered it and drove most of the thirsty citizens to Canada.
Not so, says Prof. Dagmar Saftig, the noted Norse historian, Grygla was a fierce Viking warrior who misheard Eric the Reds rallying cry as they sailed to attack the Britons: Sack their towns, rape their women and steal their cattle. Grygla proceeded to steal more than 300 women, rape some 100 head of cattle and was too exhausted to sack the town. Over the millennia, Grygla became synonymous with sexual prowess and, also, a town that can survive adversity.
** In 2001, Kyrgyzstan President Askar Akeyev permitted American troops to be stationed in their country during the invasion of neighboring Afghanistan and a large airbase was constructed there. Why did President Bush, in his recent trip to Eastern Europe go to Georgia instead of a staunchly supportive ally? According to highly placed sources, there were two major reasons: the good people of Kyrgyzstan recently rebelled peacefully and drove Akeyev into exile because of his reputed corruption, cronyism and nepotism; and, secondly, because Bush said hell be damned if he has to pronounce all those ys and zs. He reputedly told his staff, If I have to catch that many zs, Ill do it on Air Force One or the Oval Officelike I always do.
©2005 by Sid Frigand. The cartooons are from IMSI's Master Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA. This column first posted May 23, 2005.
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