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(VOL. IV – 2003) |
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Washington Report:
Big shakeup forecast
for Homeland Security
By SID FRIGAND
of TheColumnists.com
Washington, D.C.-- According to official sources on Capitol Hill, the newly created Department of Homeland Security, criticized for scaring the wits out of the American public by issuing alarming reports and orange alerts and causing a national shortage of duct tape, will be instituting major changes. At the insistence of the White House and its powerful “Old Boy” advisors, Home Security Secretary Tom Ridge will be pressured to name a new Deputy Secretary. It is rumored that a Californian, Joan Quigley, who gained fame in the 1980’s as Nancy Reagan’s official astrologer, will be the President’s choice.
Ms. Quigley, who refused comment, was touted as a logical choice to re-instill public confidence in the CIA-FBI-Homeland Security’s reputation regarding warnings of terrorist activity. “It is a comforting thought to have the woman who single-handedly helped guide the Reagan Administration through the shoals of the Cold War, continuing economic torpor, the Iran-Contra scandal and the heroic invasion of Grenada to be on board during these perilous times,” observed one high official who refused to be identified.
Secretary Ridge, hectored by the Administration’s hawks, has been forced to vacillate between frightening announcements and tempering statements in recent weeks. Some Beltway veterans have been referring to him as the “White House’s Official Chicken Little” while other cynics call him the “Boy Who Cried Wolfowitz” (referring, of course, to Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz--the Administration’s super-Hawk and leading war advocate).
Security experts have advised
Ridge that a good astrologer could restore public confidence
in American intelligence efforts. “In addition, a woman’s
touch is needed in these times to allay public fears,” one
expert confided. He cited the effectiveness of the women oracles
at Delphi (sibyls) who, for centuries, brought comfort and wise--if
often cryptic--advice to the public. He revealed that the establishment
of regional oracular centers throughout the country is under
consideration.
“We like the cryptic business because it jibes well with
Secretary Rumsfeld’s recommended program of disinformation,”
he commented. “However, consulting oracles also entails
sacrificing a goat every time a question is posed; and that might
not sit right with those animal rights crazies.” In another
move to instill public confidence in American intelligence, there
are persistent rumors among the Capitol cognoscenti that the
government will nationalize television’s Psychic Network.
Karl Rove, the White House
Regent-in-Residence, has also informed the Administration that
the use of primary and secondary colors to alert the public is
unsettling, according to recent polls. As a result, Secretary
Ridge has engaged Lands End, Inc. and J. Crew as color coordinating
consultants for a newly devised rotating color alert system.
It has been suggested that the first round of Spring alerts will
be:
Cherry Spice
Coral
Jonquil
Pistachio.
Similar exciting color offerings will be named for the Summer and Winter seasons of 2003.
Some critics of the new Department are also pressing for a name change. “Homeland Security sounds like the name of a fly-by-night insurance company,” noted one skeptic. “The ‘Department of Domestic Concern and Wild Speculation,” might be more appropriate,” he mused.
©2003 Sid Frigand.
The illustrations are from IMSI's Master Clips Collection, 1895
Francisco Blvd. E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA.
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