(VOL. VI. 2003)
An Iraqi housewife examines
a container of the mysterious
Israeli nerve gas known as
So far no anthrax in Iraq,
but lots of Botox & Kotex
By SID FRIGAND
Q. Bubba B. Fuddle of Brilliant, Alabama, writes: Ive been watching the war on the TV and I hadnt heard a thing about finding those disease germs and poison gasses that the President said was hidden away in Saddams palaces. Do you guys know whats going on there? What have they found?
A. Almanac assumes you are referring to the fear that Anthrax or Smallpox viruses, lethal chemicals and other weapons of mass destruction are being concealed in Iraq. Special services troops searching for Anthrax and Smallpox* have been ordered to play it safe and seize any substances that end in x. As a result several barrels of Botox are now in coalition hands along with 30 drums of a suspicious chlorine-laced granular powder known as Ajax. Also confiscated by Coalition troops in the x crackdown are warehouses filled with Kotex, Tampax and Kleenex. All of these have tentatively been classified by the Defense Department as Weapons of Mass Production.
In addition, Coalition forces are destroying all Iraqi peach, apricot and cherry crops because the fruit stones contain prussic acid. In concentrated form, prussic acid will cause sheep, cattle, horses and people to act crazy, foam at the mouth and fall over stiff as boards. Its really the pits, one senior military officer observed apologetically.
One of the surprise discoveries unearthed in Baghdad were several canisters of a potent Israeli nerve gas called Chutzpah. It is known to make grown men scream, tear their hair and ultimately succumb to apoplexy. When asked to explain how Chutzpah fell into Iraqi hands, Ari Fari, the Israeli Defense Ministry spokesman, shrugged. The Americans knew about our chemical program in the 80s when President Reagan was sending arms to Iraq to fight the Iranians. The Israeli gas was also being tested by the French army for possible use in negotiating with the Algerians. To make matters worse, Russian spies stole our formula. So you tell me how it got to Iraq? he queried. But thats Chutzpah for you, Fari sighed.
* To help root out these noxious disease and lethal gas caches, Special Services troops are using specially trained search sheep (who are extremely sensitive to Anthrax) as well as canaries (who keel over with not so much as a peep at the first hint of toxic gases). These units are referred to in Coalition military circles as the Bo Peep Brigades.
©2003 by Sid Frigand. The illustration is from IMSI's Master Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA.
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