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AN ALMANAC EXCLUSIVE |
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FIND RELIGION |
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Liberal Demos under attack
seek religious protection
By SID FRIGAND
of TheColumnists.com
Washington, DC--The nation’s harried liberal Democrats,
who have been observed meeting secretly for months in the shadowy
caverns adjacent to the Senate’s underground railway, are
designing a radical scenario to advance their causes and confound
the Bush administration. They are reconstituting themselves as
a faith-based institution. The new religion will be known as
The Liberal Assembly of Faith, Charity and Social Security, it
was learned today.
A ranking Congressional Democrat supporting the emerging movement
explained, “The once-fervent disciples of the cherished
Holy Tetrad--the New Deal, the Fair Deal, the Great Society and
the New Frontier--had abandoned their faith and converted to
born-again cowardice. But like the embattled Christians in the
catacombs of Rome, they are determined to emerge from the darkness
and prevail once again.”
One of the primary founders of the new faith-based initiative,
who asked not to be identified for fear of reprisals, commented
further: “The ‘L’ word has become a target of
opprobrium, ridicule and persecution. Critics have tagged liberalism
as synonymous with treason–just like in the old McCarthy
days. Therefore, we are moving boldly to abandon liberalism as
a political cause and accept it as a matter of true faith, if
we are to survive and grow.”
The spokesman for the resolute martyrs outlined the advantages
of this strategy:
• As a recognized religious group, the Assembly now will
have the protection of the Federal state and local governments
to prevent the conservative press, right-wing commentators and
political figures from sullying liberals–or face prosecution
under bias crime and hate crime laws.
• The Federal EEOC will be required by law to safeguard
Liberals against discrimination in the workplace. The founding
spokesman complained that, “the Bush Administration has
not made one liberal appointment to our knowledge. This pattern
of exclusion has denied skilled professionals and competent staff
personnel the right to a livelihood. It is in clear violation
of the laws of this nation.”
• The aggrieved group also will be entitled to compensation
from the Federal Government by the OVC (Office for Victims of
Crimes). This remuneration will likely be sizable and could be
accepted by the Assembly as a legitimate substitute for soft
money contributions.
• Finally, the Assembly would also be eligible, under the
Bush-blessed faith-based funding to generous grants for community
projects to support welfare, health, family planning and education.
The Liberal Assembly worship practices differ from that of other
existing religious groups. For example, their houses of worship,
called “caucuses,” will remain in underground locations
(supposedly to discourage surveillance). Presiding over the services
will be a Holy Chair ordained by voice vote. In addition to venerating
the Holy Tetrad, the congregation's most revered tract of faith
is the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution. It is recited
four times at every observance.
A journalist who was permitted to witness one of the Assembly
services was impressed by its passion and fervor. “Unlike
the Holy Rollers who fall to the floor in religious rapture or
the Orthodox Jews who bow and bob their heads in prayer, the
Liberals remain seated and just jerk their knees.”
©2003 by Sid Frigand.
The illustration
is from IMSI's Master Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd.
E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA.
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