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except your blood pressure, it may be time to ask:  |
How comforting to know
things still could get worse
By MURRY FRYMER
of TheColumnists.com
SO ANYWAY, I was checking on the market on CNBC, the cable network where the stock market ticker tape runs all day long on the bottom of the screen, and I heard the report:
"The NASDAQ today hit zero. Everything is now down to nothing."
Wow, I thought. Zero. That must be an all-time low! What does this mean to me and my investments?
Anyway, one of the many crack investment gurus came on next and he was interviewed by Maria Bartiromo, the wanton-looking damsel who first got me into the market with her dreamy optimism. Maria asked this guru: "How bad do you expect the market to get?"
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Your portfolio has fallen 32 points below zero! Tough luck, honey!" |
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Well, answered the well-dressed, coiffeured Wall Streeter: "Things could get a lot worse before they get better"
Even Maria was stunned. "Worse? How can they get worse? The market hit ZERO today."
The analyst smiled his wise smile. "Zero is definitely low. But the market can go lower."
"Really?, " Maria queried, beautifully wide-eyed. "How is that?"
"The market could go below zero, like the weather in New York sometimes goes. It could get really frigid."
"But wouldn't the market at zero be a good time to buy?"
"Oh, no," the analyst said. "Stay out of the market for now. Wait for it to recover."
Maria looked sad, but beautifully sad, or sadly beautiful. "John," she said in that plaintive first-person, "you were recommending Qualcomm at 150. Your partner said it would go to 1,000. How could you avoid it at zero?"
"The internals have changed, Maria," John said. "Alan Greenspan has stopped warning about irrational exuberance. You have to be a little more cautious now."
"If the market turned around, John, if Qualcomm went to 150 again, would you recommend getting back in?"
"Oh, yes, Maria," John said in his assured way. "Qualcomm at 150 would definitely be a signal to dip a toe back in, but we'd feel better if it hit 1,000."
"If that happened," Maria murmured, "wouldn't Greenspan warn again of irrational exuberance?"
"I don't think so, Maria. Alan is a wiser and better man these days. And, after all, he has lowered interest rates to zero, too. He is in tune with the times."
"John, it is kind of worrisome for our producer here. All the numbers on the bottom of the screen say 'Zero.' It kind of hurts our ratings. Nobody will watch an endless string of zeros."
"Yes, Maria, I guess that will bring your ratings down to zero, too, although I think there are countless viewers who tune in just to see you, in your radiant sadness. They may tune in still. But with the sound off."
"Thank you, John, I certainly hope so. But now I will take our readers to Tom Costello at the NASDAQ exchange for an analysis of today's market action. Tom?…Tom?…Where's Tom?"
"Hello Maria. I was watching the weather channel. At least it has positive numbers in some places. Anyway, as you can see by the boards here, everything is at zero. Everybody is standing around on the floor staring at the boards in disbelief. Cisco is at zero. Intel is at zero. Netzero is at zero. It's kind of weird. Maria, do we have anyone to interview?"
"I'm afraid not, Tom. There's word that the brokerage firms are laying off all their analysts. And, of course, with no one buying stocks, the brokerage firms are going into other fields. Merrill Lynch is becoming a dairy, we hear. They are looking for contented cows."
"Sounds terrible, Maria, though I must say I like your new hairdo and your minimal makeup look. Very exciting."
"Thank you, Tom. What should we do next?"
"We could go to a commercial, Maria."
"No, Tom, our sponsors number zero right now, too. And we still have 25 minutes to the hour."
"Hmm. Well, I guess I'll go watch the weather channel some more. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I guess you've heard that it can't get any worse."
"Well, Tom, that's what one analyst told me, but frankly, Tom, nobody believes analysts any more."
©
2001 by Murry Frymer. Frymer caricature © 2000 by Jim Hummel.
The other cartoons are from IMSI's Master Clips Collection, 1895
Francisco Blvd. East, San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA.
Columnist Frymer reports
that he is living off his portfolio. His portfolio hit zero recently.
You
can comment on this column or contact Murry Frymer with an email
to: talkback@thecolumnists.com
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