 |
the Bounty Hunter (Anything for Cash) |
They'll pay more for Osama
than Cheney or even Elvis!
of TheColumnists.com
I see where there's a $25,000,000 reward for
the capture of Osama bin Laden. So, with the stock market slump
and all, I've decided to pack my bag (lightly, due to airport
security) and head for Afghanistan.
Twenty-five mil is a lot of dough for what I figure is an afternoon's
work, if I can pull a few strings. I used to know some people
in Afghanistan, people at the local Afghan Jewish daily, called
"HELLLLP!" They might be able to point me in the right
direction.
It's kind of amazing. Osama is worth $25,000,000 and you probably
couldn't get a thousand bucks for Dick Cheney, if you could find
him, which you can't, no matter how many people you know in Washington,
or wherever he is.
I don't think you could get $25,000,000 for Elvis Presley, and
people have been looking for him for decades.
It's kind of amazing how valuable Osama has made himself. It
just goes to show how quickly your value grows when everybody
knows your name, which they didn't about three months ago. Only
in America. Seldom in Afghanistan.
I realize the prize is a bit high because Osama is a cave dweller
and there are lots of caves in Afghanistan. And maybe, in whatever
cave he is in, he is unaware of his value. He might surrender
for that money, though how much money do you need in a cave?
Anyway, since getting my newspaper pension and realizing that
$6 a week was not as much money as I thought when I left the
Fourth Estate, I have been looking for profitable gigs. I have
never gone hunting for anyone. I suppose when you run into someone
like that, you say, "Osama, I presume." Whatever.
I have tried to get on that "Millionaire" TV show,
but I must admit that at home I have stumbled over many an answer
to the $100 question, which I think are purposely tricky. I think
it's the music in the background. Nobody can think with that
music. And that bit about "Is that your final answer?"
is enough to spook any wise guy like me.
Other deals that have come my way are free nights at various
resorts if I will sit still for two days in front of a salesman
who wants to sell the place to me. Those are valuable prizes,
all right, but $25,000,000 is $25,000,000.
I imagine lots of people like me will be heading to Afghanistan
to go find Osama. I've heard people gathering at the local diner
talking about it. Of course, there are many more who would do
it, but they are afraid to fly. I guess you have to fly to Kabul,
or wherever the airport is, or was. In fact, I don't know if
they have an airport.
American planes fly over the place every day but no one ever
seems to land.
If I found Osama, I would need a way to drive him out of the
country. I have a Hertz frequent flyer card, but I don't know
if they have an office there. So with Osama in hand, just going
somewhere might be a problem. But, heck, with $25,000,000 I could
buy an Afghan car. Maybe an SUV. I hear the roads are pitted
there.
Barb, my wife, when I told her about my scheme, was quiet for
a moment, then she seemed pretty excited about it and urged me
to go. She's a great, supportive woman. She said she couldn't
join me because there is a soap opera she hates to miss.
The kids snickered. They have a low opinion of me. They tend
to think in sit-com terms. That would change when I came home
with Osama in tow. But they did agree that these days I do need
an outing once in a while and this one definitely pays well.
Anyway, I wanted all my friends to know where I will be for the
next week. I know Ramadan is going on over there, so there probably
won't be much else going on, but I'm not much of a sight-seer.
"Been there, done that" is my creed.
After I pull this off, I believe I will be able to sell the story.
Newspapers usually pay up to $100 for such personal pieces and
this one also has a travel angle.
And I'm sure Osama has a few stories to tell, too. It sounds
like there's money to be made everywhere.
See you soon.
©
2001 by Murry Frymer. The
Frymer caricature is © 2000 by Jim Hummel.
You
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to: talkback@thecolumnists.com
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