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Newsletter from the Family from HELL!  Our son Buzz wasn't able to be with us this Xmas |
Does this letter sound familiar? We hope not!
By GINA GALLO
of TheColumnists.com
Post-Holiday
Newsletter to Our Friends
January, 2002
Dear Friends,
We decided to wait until after the holiday rush to share our
annual family news. That way, we can outline the events of our
year at a leisurely pace (and delete those slugs from our mailing
list who didn’t bother to send us cards this year.)
As you may recall, we’ve been thinking of relocating for
quite some time. This year our family finally made the move.
Our new place is open, airy, and has plenty of space for Aristotle
(you remember our Bull Mastiff) to run around. Even if the sheriff
hadn’t served those eviction papers, this is the exact spot
we would’ve chosen for our dream digs. Lance is overjoyed
with the easy commute (or will be, if he ever finds a job again),
since we’re conveniently located so close to the freeway.
In fact, who would’ve guessed there’s a whole community
of folks living just beneath it? We’ve already met many
of our new neighbors, most of whom are delightful. This does
not include the creep who walked off with our Amana Side-by-Side
Refrigerator/Freezer Crate that we’d planned to use as our
family room. We had no idea large appliance boxes are at such
a premium once the temperature dips below freezing!
We’re pleased as punch that Muffy is thriving in the sixth
grade (which didn’t happen the first three times) and is
already talking about possible future careers as a shampoo girl
or bowling alley attendant. She’s a real ‘people person’
just like her mom and would do well in either area. At the moment,
we’re all keeping our fingers crossed that her maternity
leave won’t coincide with junior high graduation, when she’ll
be conferred a special award for congeniality.
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who hopes to enter seventh grade next year. Her "condition" hardly shows. |
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Following the tragedy of September 11th, we’ve prayed for the victims and their families, and are now very proud that our Buzz is serving in our nation’s military. If the presidential pardon comes through, he could be released from Fort Leavenworth as early as next September. Since there was no DNA testing, they couldn’t make those ‘sexual assault’ charges stick. And after the Clinton administration, how can the government possibly point fingers?
Early in February, Lance decided that he’d reached his top earning potential in his current profession and opted to explore the possibility of another career. Thanks to his twenty four years in sales at the mall’s pretzel kiosk, he had a solid resume with impressive job credentials. So none of us were surprised when he was snatched up by a lawn care company for a promising new job in middle management. After the subordinate employees cut, trimmed and edged the lawns, our Lance supervised the chemical applications of fertilizer, insecticide and weed-killer. His new co-workers were a clever fun-loving bunch, which may have been what prompted their little ‘initiation’ gag on Lance the new guy. Imagine his surprise when he found they’d filled his asthma inhaler with Malathion!
It turned out to be one of those good news/good news situations, though. Even in respiratory arrest, Lance managed to come back from flat-line status thanks to a zero-hour chest compression done by Sven, the weed trimmer. And after just three weeks in the Intensive Care Unit, a team of pulmonary specialists assured us that not only would he make it, but Lance’s lungs would remain chigger, flea, mosquito and tick-free for the duration of the summer. Although he is currently not ambulatory and must remain hooked up to an oxygen tank, Lance is confident that an exciting new career is right around the corner.
2001 was a busy year for Eulalia as well. Although her application for membership in the Daughters of the American Revolution must have been lost in the mail again, she continues to honor her proud ancestral lineage with tireless community volunteer work. As you all know, Eulalia is a direct descendant of the honorable Bocephus (a/k/a Bubba) McDoo, the official boot black boy and spitoon polisher for General Claymore Mines, noted military strategist and close confidante of Benedict Arnold.
This year Eulalia organized the annual “Flags by the Freeway” project, a sales endeavor to benefit the 911 Emergency Relief Fund. By all accounts, it was a huge success. No more than a case or two of the 3 x 6 inch genuine nylon flags were seized during that unfortunate skirmish with unpatriotic stick-up men. On the plus side, only four sales volunteers were actually run over, a real coup considering the number of eighteen-wheelers that haul ass down I-72. After that, the project was re-launched as ‘Flags by the Off-Ramp.”
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the cookies she baked for her church group. She put a little something extra in them and a high time was had by all. |
Since moving to our new residence, Eulalia has organized a Bible study group at St. Dismas the Good Thief Church, and spearheaded several charity drives to raise money for the spiritual community. You’ve probably heard of her most ambitious project, “Siphon Gas for Jesus.” The evening news shows gave it quite a bit of film footage. Never mind those disturbing shots of our Eulalia being led away in handcuffs. Once the minister showed up with bail money, she was back out in no time, working tirelessly for the Lord.
This year has brought us many blessings, including the continued devotion of our beloved Aristotle. Fourteen years is old for a Mastiff, but his vitality is amazing. In spite of losing most of his beautiful coat to mange several years ago, he’s still quite a handsome boy. And it’s hard to notice the cataracts when he’s got such an innocent expression. Which is probably why he was seduced by our former neighbor’s AKC Champion Chihuahua bitch.
By the fifth week, the owners should have noticed something was amiss with Chiquita. A chihuahua the size of a watermelon is always a danger sign. The public defender who’ll be representing us in the lawsuit says we have a good chance of beating it. It’s not our fault the little harlot wasn’t cut out for motherhood.
For those of you who sent us holiday cards and good wishes, thank you for including us in your circle of associates. And for our more generous friends who understand that it’s better to give than receive, bless you for all the wonderful tokens of your esteem. We’re now the proud owners of twelve Chia Pets, which was probably half the inventory at Wal-Mart’s close-out sale.
And who can ever have enough tube socks? Those we don’t wear are turned over to Lance, who wads them into his Fruit of the Looms while he tries to recall his younger glory days.
And to our dear, dear friends thoughtful enough to send home baked gifts, we’re overwhelmed by your generosity. Exactly what we’re counting on for contributions to pay our medical bills. Holiday cookies sound like a good idea, but not for somebody with wheat allergies. And did you clowns forget that Eulalia has diabetes? One chunk of that marshmallow fudge was enough to induce a sugar coma.
And, to the smart-ass who insists on sending a fruit cake every year, we have just two words: carbon dating. Stanford University’s Center for Prehistoric Studies confiscated your latest cake, which is believed to be linked to the Jurassic Period. This would certainly explain dinosaur extinction, but since there is no T-Rex living in our household, knock off the damn cakes. The nuts aggravate Lance’s diverticulitis, and after Aristotle snarfed the last one, we were cleaning up doggie mess for a week.
As we begin the new year, we invite you to share the bounty of our lives. Next time you’re near the 51st Street off-ramp, drive on down for a visit. We’re the second box on the left. Just follow the trail of Chia Pets toward the faint hissing sound of Lance’s oxygen tent. And please don’t be frightened by Aristotle. You’d whimper too if you’d been castrated with a weed-whacker. Who’d have guessed the neighbors would be so petty over a dead chihuahua? Stop by soon and let us treat you to some refreshments. There’s still enough fruitcakes left to feed a platoon, and plenty of libations to quench your palate. It’s all part of Eulalia’s latest church benefit: “Drink a jug for Jesus.”
Wishing you all a healthy,
happy and prosperous new year,
Your friends,
Lance, Eulalia, Buzz , Muffy and Aristotle
© 2001 by Gina Gallo. The Gina Gallo caricature is © 2001 by Jim Hummel. The illustrations are from IMSI'S Master Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA.
You can comment on this column or contact Gina Gallo with an email to: talkback@thecolumnists.com
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