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SHELTER! Illustrated by JIM HUMMEL |
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look-a-likes and carted them off to rehab. |
Flaunting their bad taste,
'snowbirds' flock to Miami
By GINA GALLO
of TheColumnists.com
It’s that time of year again. Once the temperatures
plunge in the North, our Southern
states prepare for the onslaught to come. From Florida’s
South Beach to Padre Island, Texas, the locals await the annual
migration of "snowbirds."
Eager to escape bone-chilling cold and mountains of snow, residents of Detroit, Minneapolis and other snowbelt burgs grab the Coppertone and make a beeline toward sun and surf. But not before stuffing their luggage full of togs guaranteed to make the eyes water and the stomach lurch. While snowbirds may be great for the South’s economy, they wreak havoc on the local aesthetics.
In defense of this, the city council of Miami Beach passed a special ‘beautification’ ordinance tailored for the fashion-impaired snowbirds. It stipulates that a specific anti-ugly dress code must be adhered to within the legal limits of Miami and along South Beach. Violators will be apprehended and transported to “Adopt-a-Slob,” a specially designated shelter where they’ll remain pending adoption by a proven fashion-forward patron. Council members were quick to emphasize that this is a ‘No-kill’ shelter that will provide for the safety and well-being of the sartorially ersatz until better provisions can be made for them.
City residents expressed unanimous approval for the controversial new law. As far as they were concerned, it was a legal break-through. No longer would their sensibilities be assaulted by the unsavory spectacle of snowbirds in funky plumage. No longer would they have to witness the hefty Milwaukee matrons (wives of notable Sausage barons) lumbering out of the Breakwater on Ocean Drive in jumbo hibiscus-patterned muu-muus (and often mistaken for the Hawaiian Islands on maneuvers.)
It would mean an end to
the legions of polyester cargo shorts, black nylon socks and
pleather sandals sported by the rubes who lingered al fresco
at the News Café, whining for a side of sauerkraut to
accompany their Portobello Melts. And, along the gilded shores
of South Beach, thongs would remain the attire du jour while
adult diapers supported by bailing twine would finally be phased
out.
The new law was implemented immediately. Specially equipped decoy vehicles, disguised as mobile Starbucks’ vendors, were deployed by a special Task Force that cruised down Collins Avenue and along Ocean Boulevard, trolling for offenders. It was a ruse that proved instantly successful.
The first sweep occurred just outside Joe’s Stone Crabs on Washington Avenue. A group of Elvis impersonators resplendent in their sequined capes had just exited the restaurant. Still drooling drawn butter, one of the Elvi spotted the Starbucks truck and decided a mocha frappacino would be just the thing to top off his meal. Immediately after placing his order, he and the other Elvi were taken into custody and hustled off to Adopt-a-Slob.
At the shelter, they were stripped of their offending garments and provided with interim Izod shirts and slacks made of organically-friendly fabrics in shades to compliment their ‘winter’ color palette. The speedy fashion intervention was executed with such efficiency, the dazed Elvi barely had time to utter, “Thank you. Thank you very much.”
By the end of the week, it was clear that the concept of the shelter was a stroke of genius. Already there were more than 300 people remanded to ‘Adopt-a-Slob’. And while they waited for their personal adoptions, they received remedial instruction in the importance of color coordination, and took other basic classes to help them on the road to fashion recovery. Volunteer instructors gave seminars on such topics as: “Varicose veins: accessory or anomaly?” Even Earl Sheib stepped up to bat by providing a special guest lecture on “Hair and Make-up Colors.”
In her first media interview, shelter director Rubirosa Aqua Fresca stated that she was ‘greatly encouraged’ by the success of “Adopt-a-Slob.” Already, dozens of pairs of sequined cat’s eyeglasses had been taken off the streets. Citizens of Miami Beach could now walk freely down the city thoroughfares without spotting a single straw fisherman’s hat, complete with dangling lures or plastic worms. And, she was pleased to report, the legions of fish-belly-white bodies previously polluting the streets in shrink-wrapped Miami Dolphins T-shirts had declined dramatically.
Rubirosa was quick to point out that benefits of the shelter extended beyond the purely aesthetic. It also gave Miami locals an opportunity to extend their hands in gestures of brotherhood and good will. By participating in a shelter adoption, they proved that they were willing to make a difference, beautify America, and, hopefully, end the bane of polyester in our lifetime.
It was certainly within the realm of possibility. Just the other day, a Miami scion who’d made his fortune in Art-Deco knock-offs for a chain of beach motels was observed signing adoption papers for one of the incarcerated Elvi. During the exit interview, he was heard to utter words of encouragement like, “Armani. Hugo Boss. Versace,”--enough to ignite hope in everyone’s hearts...and to make them believe that the generosity and goodness of mankind would continue until the very last Elvis had left the building.
© 2002 by Gina Gallo.
The Gina Gallo caricature is © 2001 by Jim Hummel. The "Elvis
Roundup" cartoon is © 2002 by Jim Hummel.
You
can comment on this column or contact Gina Gallo with an email
to: talkback@thecolumnists.com
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