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Don't light that butt!  |
We have "nico-teasers"
ready to smoke you off!
By GINA GALLO
of TheColumnists.com
It’s all about supply and demand. As anyone who’s
read BIG BUSINESS FOR DUMMIES can tell you, the first cardinal
rule of marketing is to identify a consumer need and then be
the first to offer the product, preferably at a price point that
guarantees the supplier a quick ride to Easy Street.
It’s a precept obviously embraced by the growing number
of 1-900 phone lines that, for a nominal fee, allow consumers
to let their fingers do the walking toward everything from phone
sex to psychic predictions. And with new consumer needs being
targeted daily, it was only a matter of time before ‘The
Smoke Line’ became available.
For all those hard-core smokers who’ve kicked the habit, gone cold turkey, worn the patch or had a recent chest x-ray scary enough to send them running for the nicotine gum, the Smoke Line provides a valuable service. For just $5.99 per minute--only a little more than a pack of cigarettes--consumers can now dial a smoke.
Trained operators are standing by to offer them the total smoking experience without any nasty side effects. Just toss away the demon weed and pick up the phone. What a concept! No more yellow teeth or ashtray breath, no more rumbling coughs or gobs of phlegm the size of softballs. And, on a larger scale, no more evictions from designated smoke-free restaurants or public buildings when you just couldn’t wait to light up.
In evaluating this new phone service, some smokers have expressed a few serious concerns. Why trade a habit for another habit? Wouldn’t phone smoke become equally addictive? And what about potential side effects? Thanks to a recent study by the U.S. Surgeon General, those questions have been put to rest.
Research indicates that
while the Smoke Line has the potential to become addictive,
the user’s first staggering phone bill should be enough
to nip that habit in the bud.
Depending on how fast a consumer phone-smokes, one Smoke Line
call might top out around $50.00. For those former pack-a-day
smokers who call the number twenty times a day, it could get
a bit pricey. And as for side effects, none have been reported
except for some random receiver-sucking, an expected physical
response for those smokers in transition.
Most Smoke Line users have
reported a positive experience. Take Bubba Montana, wide receiver
for a pro football team, and a smoker for many years. As an athlete,
he understands the importance of good health. His body is the
meal ticket that supports his family. Take one misstep toward
a harmful addiction, and it could be food stamps and Spaghetti-o’s
for the rest of his natural life. Which is why he’s a strong
proponent of the Smoke Line and has spread the word to his friends
as well.
Following a victorious game in a host city, he and his teammates
celebrate with sumptuous dinners at the local steak house. After
the last prime rib and baked potato have been wolfed down, the
coffee’s served and the cell phones come out. While 30 meaty
paws punch in the Smoke Line number, 30 pairs of lips are already
pursing in anticipation of that first satisfying drag. Bubba
can barely restrain himself from gnawing the receiver.
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can use the service, too. Various Marlboro-style men are standing by to man phone lines and puff along with the ladies. |
“The Smoke Line. This is Virginia. But you can call me Slim. Want to set me on fire?”
“Hi, Slim. This is Bubba. Yeah, baby, I need you bad!”
“Oooooh, Bubba. I need you, too. Would you like to know what I look like?” Slim’s voice dips to a husky purr. “I’m long and smooth, the perfect size to fit in your mouth. Come a little closer, baby, and put those lips right here.” Another panting moan. “Yeah, that’s right. Wrap them around my filter tip. Oooh, yeah. Now suck me, baby!”
Bubba is in ecstacy. He takes one deep breath and Slim is on fire.
“Oh, yeah, Bubba, do me! Feel how hot I am? I’m sliding down your throat, through your lungs, ....don’t stop, baby! I’m getting hotter....”
Thirty seven minutes later, Bubba completes what may be the longest phone smoke on record and earns himself a whopping phone bill. But it doesn’t matter. His smoke jones has been satisfied without a single carcinogen polluting his Super Bowl-bound lungs. And the best part is knowing that Slim will be there, waiting and ready, any time he wants to light her fire.
Even after he gets home to Mrs. Montana, and they’re lounging in bed, enjoying the afterglow of his recent field goal. In perfect sync, they reach for their respective phones and speed-dial the number.
“The Smoke Line. This is Roy. Want to make nice with my vice?”
“Roy,” Mrs. Montana coos, “You don’t know how much I want you...”
And while she lets Roy cloud the issue, Bubba and Slim are lighting some serious fires of their own. All in the name of addiction-free good health, of course. Phone smoking prevents lung cancer, promotes optimum respiratory benefits and, for the Smoke Line owners, ensures a very prosperous future.
Exactly what you’d expect from the company’s slogan:
“Dial 1-900-Light-Up! We give good smoke!”
© 2002 by Gina Gallo.
The Gina Gallo caricature is © 2001 by Jim Hummel. The other
cartoons are from IMSI's Master Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco
Blvd. E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA.
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