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 "...and wait until you see the FAB-ulous treatment I've given le toilette facilities, Chief Hard Bird. I just KNEW you wouldn't regret turning over your teepee to Swishing Bear Designs for a makeover!!!" |
Hottest new cable show?
Hey, anything's possible!
of TheColumnists.com
Blame it on the numbers game. Decorating shows have
become such a hot ticket on cable TV, the competition for viewer
ratings is heating up.
In any 24-hour viewing period, you can tune in for programs that
show you how to re-do a room (‘Room by Room’ or ‘Decorating
Cents,’); renovate your home’s exterior (“Curb
Appeal” or “Landscaper’s Challenge”); or,
for a real thrill, sign on for a stint on ‘Trading Spaces’
--the show where neighbors have 24 hours to redecorate each other’s
homes without any input or veto power from the owners. In the
event that your neighbors are still stewing over a previous tiff,
this could present a problem....and an opportunity for some serious
payback.
Remember that power tool you forgot to return? Guess what, Sporty? The neutral shades of your previous decor might be redone in vampire black and a shade of canary yellow so loud, your living room could now serve as an adjunct location for the next Indy 500.
Along with the popularity
of these shows comes the pressure on reigning networks to offer
even more programs, more design concepts, and beat the proverbial
dead horse in an already saturated market. The only way, claim
studio execs, to win the ratings war. Which is why there’s
a new decorating show slated to premier this fall that features
a new twist on an old concept.
By combining elements from the History, Home and Decorating channels,
this new program will feature design tips used in previous centuries.
The first show scheduled for airing is, “Trading Teepees.”
Depending on the show’s popularity, other spin-offs will
be implemented. Among those expected to be viewers’ favorites
are “This Old Castle,” “In the Kitchen with Catherine
of Aquitaine” and “The Pharoah’s Challenge.”
Recent previews of ‘Trading Teepees’ indicates a show
that offers not only fresh solutions to old problems, but important
insight into the creativity of an ancient culture.
In the first episode we meet the first pair of neighbors who’ve
agreed to trade teepees. During his initial on-camera interview,
Rolling Warthog says, “Call me crazy, but painting petroglyphs
is so yesterday’s news! What’s up with all those stick
figures? I know the Venus paint-by-number kits haven’t been
invented yet, but hey, not all of us are lunkheads in the art
department. My squaw, Stands With an Easel, really knows her
way around a paint brush. As soon as we get some velvet to replace
the gnawed deer skin, she’s promised to do some fabric paintings
that will be sensational!”
The other neighbor, Wanton Lizard, is also eager to weigh in
with his design concerns.
“Lots of folks think ‘blankets’ whenever they
consider Indian design. Get a clue, people! We’re in the
middle of the Mojave here! How ‘bout bringing in some upholstery
fabrics that wick the perspiration away from our skin? And you
can forget about sweat lodges! I’ve got a heat rash so big,
it could pass as an aerial map of the Badlands.”
As on previous shows of this nature, the rules of this program
are simple. The neighbors are not allowed to check what’s
happening in their own homes during the 24-hour teepee trade.
With the help of a designer, they redecorate each other’s
place and reveal it in the show’s last breathtaking minutes.
On the first episode, designer Pemmican Breath is on hand to
help Rolling Warthog create a ‘breezy tropical aesthetic’
for Wanton Lizard’s teepee.
“We’ll start
with a cool color palette--ocean blues, soft jades, sea greens--to
mimic
a Jamaican beach. So what if he’s never seen Jamaica? Come
to think of it, he’s never seen the ocean. Doesn’t
matter. In design, it’s all about illusion. Which is why
we’ll put a yummy faux finish on the wall. Perhaps a tromp
l’oeil painting of a beach cottage window and an ocean
view. Won’t that be fabulous? Oh, and a sea glass wind chime
to hang outside. But all his outdated artifacts will have to
go. Tomahawks and breastplates--puh-leeeeze! They’re SO
last century! And we’ll have to lose this war drum. Haven’t
bongos been invented yet?”
In revealing his exciting plan for Rolling Warthog’s make over, designer Runs With a Paint Gun uses many innovative concepts.
“I call this design
'Twilight at the Oasis,'" he gushes. “We’re going
for the Spa
effect, a luxurious aerie that’s both restorative and calming.
I’ve added a water feature to provide a soothing soundtrack.
Not only will the babbling water help relax him, it’ll provide
humidity to rehydrate his skin. Not an easy task for a desert
dweller. You could park a Pontiac in this guy’s pores. Oh
wait....Chief Pontiac’s from the Midwest, isn’t he?
Anyway, we’re going to toss that buffalo skin on the front
flap and replace it with a textured velour. It’s all about
curb-appeal, you know. Then we’ll add some aroma therapy
candles, some potpourri and a collection of scented soaps. Not
that I’m knocking the guy, but living in a pre-deodorant
era, it’s pretty easy to smell like a goat in heat.
“For a final touch, we’ll use silk panels to separate the cooking and sleeping areas. They’ll be swagged back for a billowy effect by day, pulled closed at night to mimic a dreamy tent. And a new fixture built in the corner will replace that pile of roots and berries. Whoever heard of putting on war paint in such archaic conditions? We’ll be installing a granite vanity with sculpted glass bowl--the perfect accommodation for a gentleman’s toilette.”
Be sure to tune in to this
exciting new fall premiere. Since I don’t want to ruin your
surprise, I won’t describe the two neighbors’ reactions
when their new designs are revealed. Something you’ll be
able to determine even if you miss the first episode. Just turn
your ear to the west and listen for the sound of beating war
drums.
©2003 by Gina Gallo. The Gina Gallo caricature is ©2001
by Jim Hummel. The original illustration is ©2003 by Jim
Hummel.
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