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Isn't it your wildest dream?
A real Vegas-style sendoff!
By GINA GALLO
of TheColumnists.com
The rumors you’ve heard are true. Among status
seekers, social climbers and even
those wannabes who never were, the game of one-upsmanship has
progressed from ‘living the dream’ to ‘after the
fact.’ No longer content to merely keep up with the Jones',
these people are looking for new and splashy ways to keep up
with the bones, as evidenced by the latest trend to hit Sin City:
designer funerals.
While it’s still true that you can’t take it with you,
Las Vegas funeral directors believe you can have a hell of a
party on the way out. Which is why cutting-edge mortuaries offer
your choice of themed funerals glitzy enough to double as a Hollywood
sound stage.
Just think. When that inveterate
gambler Uncle Monty (rumored to love Blackjack even more than
Aunt Mabel) goes to that casino in the sky, his family can provide
a send-off that reflects his lifelong passion.
For a nominal deposit and low monthly payments, a ‘gaming
theme’ funeral offers authentic slot machines discreetly
positioned around the neon-lit casket, gambling chips the size
of manhole covers, and a jumbo deck of cards in lieu of a flower
spray covering the deceased. Instead of folding chairs, jumbo
dice scattered about the viewing parlor will serve as ottomans,
cocktail tables or the perfect surface for a memorial craps game.
Bartenders and cocktail
waitresses can be provided for a small additional fee, but the
wake has a stringently enforced three-day limit. Anything longer,
and the guest of honor tends to get a little gamey--and not the
gambling variety. As the song goes, ‘you gotta know when
to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em.’
In recognition of the variety of other interests cultivated here
in Gomorrah West, morticians also offer a number of different
funeral themes. Avid golfers can enjoy their own post-mortem
putting green, caddies instead of pallbearers, and, for those
who opt for cremation, a fireproof golf bag in lieu of decorative
urn.
For those aging showgirls just a lap dance away from eternity,
the choices are even more expansive. Forget the satin-lined casket.
Why not go for the plexiglass dance cage
supported by stripper poles? Framed by a dazzling montage of
maribou feather fans, the dearly departed will be clad in an
exclusive designer original by Earl Sheib, because who doesn’t
look good in spangles and spray paint?
But as Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman will tell you, Vegas is not
just about debauchery anymore. If it’s nice instead of vice
funerals you want, there are plenty of other themes to choose
from. For the gourmet, you might prefer a funeral like the one
Leona Tate selected for her late father, Otis.
“He choked on a chicken wing,” she reported. “So
the ‘Big Bubba Barbecue’ package seemed like a natural
fit. We didn’t even have to spend a fortune on a casket
because they put Daddy in a giant cardboard chicken bucket. Not
only that, but we had our choice of sides--cole slaw, baked beans,
or corn on the cob. Mama told us to go with the corn. Said if
there were any leftovers, we could use it to make moonshine.
Something my daddy would’ve appreciated. He always was a
practical man.”
Recent widower Marshal Zenby said it was important to honor his
late wife’s memory.
“She was a member of the Wilderness club and an avid environmentalist.
In fact, she was a founding member of the ‘Burro Dung for
Peace Coalition.’ In keeping with her last wishes, I wanted
to choose a funeral that reflected her lifelong efforts for
a better, natural world. Luckily, the Roulette World Mortuary
offered the perfect funeral option. They call it the Treehugger
Special, a steal at only $10,000. The best part was that it was
completely compatible to our eco-system. No trees were destroyed
to make a casket, no silk worms murdered for her burial clothes.
“Instead, they swabbed her body with A-1 sauce, staked her
out in one of the canyons and let the coyotes do what comes naturally.
It was a beautiful service. Afterward, her bones were collected
to make commemorative scrimshaw jewelry as a souvenir for all
the mourners. When my time comes, I can only hope to have a funeral
as lovely.”
Those customers who can’t find exactly the right funeral
theme are invited to get creative and design their own.
“This is Vegas, where anything goes,” said Spofford
‘The King’ Cribbens, full- time funeral director and
part-time Elvis impersonator at the Return to Sender Memorial
Chapel.
“We want satisfied customers, so we’re willing to go
the extra mile. Whatever they want, we give them. Guitar shaped
tombstones? No problem. Last week we did a Vegas version of a
Viking funeral. It was held at the Palms Hotel--y’know,
where they have the Skin pool that’s also a cocktail lounge?
All the patrons are buck-naked, so what’s another body floating
on a rubber raft? Only difference was, he was a little stiffer
than most. After dousing him with Aquavit, we torched him for
a spectacular send-off. Just another toasted customer floating
in the pool.”
But for every potential customer for whom price is no object,
there are still those savvy types who know a rip-off when they
see one.
“These theme funerals cost an arm and a leg!” huffed
Deedee Durango, headline dancer at the Jojoba Review. “When
my old man checked out, I figured I’d get him
the 'Gearhead Special' for his last big night. Casket built like
a race car--one of those old hemi under glass things. Except
this time, guess who’d be under the glass? It had everything
he would’ve wanted--dual carbs, four on the floor, mag wheels.
It all sounded perfect ‘til we got to the bottom line: $35,000
for the whole deal! Are they nuts? I’d have to pop a lot
of g-strings to come up with that kind of cash!
“The funeral business is such a racket! They play on your
emotions, make you feel guilty if you don’t cough up the
big bucks for your loved one’s last hurrah. Like he could
enjoy it anyway? It’s all about milking the customer. They
bleed you for every penny they can, just like the damn casinos.
Which is why each corpse should be provided with a jar of Vaseline,
because even after you’re dead, they still try to screw
you!”
©2003 by Gina Gallo. The Gina Gallo caricature is ©2001
by Jim Hummel. The original illustration is ©2003 by Jim
Hummel.
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