|
|
 |
|
for the Connoisseur
|
You, too, can look just like
a Las Vegas showgirl!
By GINA GALLO
of TheColumnists.com
It’s not just for showgirls and celebrities anymore.
According to the latest
statistics compiled by the American Journal of Medicine, cosmetic
surgery is performed in this country every 12 seconds.
Once considered an extreme procedure to repair serious physical
aberrations, plastic surgery has become so prevalent that it’s
now just another facet of personal grooming, not to mention a
requirement for any status maven intent on keeping up with the
Botox Jones's. (A trend that’s clearly evident by the latest
cosmetic procedure ad campaign launched in Vegas, aka the original
‘Silicone Valley’: “You drive Arnold’s Hummer,
wake up with Tiger’s wood, why not sport Brad’s nose
or Ben’s chin?”)
Spurred on by TV hits like “Nip & Tuck” and the
onslaught of reality surgery shows, savvy consumers know that
a better physique, more distinctive features or implants that
might have been riot helmets in another life are only a few snips,
a little anesthesia and mega buck$ away. Even though the most
minor procedures are pricey enough to make prospective patients
consider a life of crime or a deal with the devil in order to
pay their surgical tab, all agree that the end justifies the
means. Why be average when you can be extraordinary?
As with any popular commodity, the consumer rush to go plastic
has created a competitive advertising market as cutting edge
as the surgeon’s scalpel. And because U.S. medical schools
now include “Advertising and Media Whoring 101" as
part of their surgical class curriculum, plastic surgeons are
learning what Madison Avenue has known all along: It’s not
just about creating a product buzz.
Since the American dream
is based on lusting after what you can’t afford, it’s
important to brand the product with a sense of prestige and status.
In order to command the highest prices and lure the wealthiest
consumers, give your product a platinum-edged dose of snob appeal.
Which is exactly why the Merck’s Manual, once considered
the definitive volume for all medical information, has been officially
replaced with the new “Cosmetic Surgery Guide for the Connoisseur.”
Available only in a limited-edition printing that further adds
to the snob appeal,
each volume is elegantly bound in organically correct, hand-tooled
leather recently lobbed off Anna Nicole’s thighs. This guide
presents a comprehensive list of surgical procedures from the
ordinary to innovative, all while sparing prospective patients
the drudgery of technical medical terms. As any competent wine-taster
will tell you, why be scientific when you can be snooty instead?
For anyone who wants the lowdown on the brow lift, tummy tuck,
thigh suck or body sculpting, this is the must-have pre-surgical
guide.
For those interested in details on what was once termed ‘breast
augmentation,’
this book directs you to the section on “Mammary Magnification.”
A random sampling of procedures available included:
Aesthetic definition
and restructuring to ensure precision tissue volume, thrust and
nipple trajectory. Enhancement offered in your choice of style:
A. Pert and passionate
B. Hints of Halle-wood
C. Full Moon Fever
D. Guaranteed stock portfolio, summer home in the Hamptons and
days-of-the-week
Bentleys.
Rhinoplasty: What used to be your basic nose job
is now described as follows:
“Realize your
deepest olfactory fantasy. Enjoy the sweet smell of cosmetic
success through nostrils curved as impudently as Angelina’s,
as aristocratically as Hugh’s or with the same grizzled
charm as Liam’s. Our surgical artistry can elevate your
unsightly proboscis to a new elegance, your very own facial statement
that shouts, “I am hip, I am elegant, I am mucous-free!”
For those unenlightened consumers who don’t realize it’s
not just about silicone anymore, the Connoisseur’s Guide
includes a special section on implants available to transform
your body from saggy Shar-Pei to Super hero. Some of the products
described:
“Pectoral implants guaranteed to define and reinvent
your ventral landscape. Our products can take you from baggy
to buff, wobbly to ripped in just one simple procedure. Implants
available in choice of sizes:
Mini cutlet: A whimsical wedge of masculinity that offers beefcake
in succulent servings of petite fours.
Fabulous filet: for the man who appreciates the quality of cut
over the volume of meat.
U.S. Prime: The optimum enhancement for the confident man who
serves it up thick, juicy and very rare.
The Connoisseur’s Guide even offers some good news for those
ladies baffled by the silicone vs. saline debate over breast
implants. The latest rage in breast products are ‘Cohesive
Gel Implants,’ known as Gummi Bears in the industry due
to their rubbery texture. According to the guide, these Gummi
Bears have “faint citrus and woodsy tones with a tart
bouquet of underlying musk, forming a gentle alliance with the
palate underscored by a nose of complex fruitiness.”
Any questions? For anyone still confused about cosmetic procedures
available in the slice ‘n dice game, forget the Connoisseur’s
Guide. Instead, wait for the American Bandstand version, due
out soon from Dick Clark Publishing. The descriptions are familiar,
easy, and to the point, so you can purchase your next set of
hot pockets based on Dick’s recommendation: “I’d
give it a 75....it’s got a good beat and I can dance to
it.”
©2005 by Gina Gallo. The illustrations are from IMSI's Master
Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506,
USA. This column first posted on Jan. 31, 2005.
You
can comment on this column online. Please address your message
to either "The Editors" or Gina Gallo . To send an
email, click here: talkback@thecolumnists.com
|
|
|
Archives |
|
|