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 "This hurricane season has sent our stocks soaring, Stevens. Look how that orange line has gone up since we started pushing water purifier kits, inflatable life rafts and porta-potty installations in the Gulf states!!" |
Look up in the sky!!
Can those be vultures?
of TheColumnists.com
The bodies are barely cold, but already the sharks are circling. But it’s the scent of money, not flesh, that’s creating a feeding frenzy.
While most of the world will remember Katrina as the bitch that broke New Orleans’ heart, there are others who hold a different view. To opportunists who see the cash potential in this tragedy, Katrina has become a religious icon of sorts--the newest patron saint for those who worship at the Temple of the Almighty Buck.
Call it blood commerce, or a photo op for the scam to end all scams. Whatever the name, hustlers are crawling out of the woodwork and into whatever vessel will allow them to fish in some benevolent financial ponds. Nothing like mass death and destruction to play on a deep-pockets nation’s sympathy, lay on some survival guilt for good measure and keep those donations rolling in.
As any scam artist knows, there’s
a small window of cash opportunity that follows a tragedy of
these proportions. While our nation is still reeling from the
shock of such ‘It can’t happen here’ devastation,
many citizens are eager to help in whatever way they can. It’s
that eagerness that lowers their normal caution involving solicitations
for a worthy cause. Mentioning ‘Katrina’ and ‘victims’
in the same sentence will trigger a knee-jerk reaction that plays
out as hand-to-wallet.
People want to give and hustlers are ready to take--as much and
as often as they can.
Already the internet is swamped with ‘cash donations for Katrina’ scams, all pledging to send your generous contributions directly to the Big Easy’s victims. The less enterprising without enough computer smarts to set up what looks like a legitimate donation website have chosen a more direct approach. Hucksters of all ages have taken to the streets, trolling high-traffic street intersections and freeway off -ramps with donation cans, pledging to send the money to New Orleans’ neediest. Whether that money ever makes it to the proximity of Bourbon Street or just the closest tavern for a double shot of bourbon is anyone’s guess.
But it’s not just common thieves who milk a cash cow like Katrina. For any media whore hungry for the glare of the spotlight, this is like waterlogged manna from heaven. National tragedy makes great press. Great press requires massive media coverage, which equates as positive exposure for anyone interested in getting his mug displayed on national TV, international headlines, and to the random Martian who can pick up CNN via satellite feed.
Operating on the premise that there’s no such thing as bad publicity,certain tinsel-town celebs have responded to Katrina’s aftermath in some interesting ways. A few highly visible network and big screen stars have seized this op for a platform from which to pontificate, laying blame on the scapegoat politician of choice, running their mouths with the same volume and Chiclet toothed-snarls usually reserved for their best dramatic roles. The only difference is that without someone to write their script, whatever they spout off sounds just like the same annoying yapping of the micro-dogs they carry as a must-have Hollywood fashion accessory.
While other stars have taken a more hands-on
approach, assisting in victims’ rescues and delivering aid,
food and clothing, there are some TV personalities who’ve
set up Base Camp Katrina, broadcasting live from Horror Central.
What better weapon in the annual networks’ rating wars than
a talk-show host or perfectly coiffed news anchor, bravely batting
away crocodile tears while interviewing the next sad victim?
On a recent CNN broadcast, one perky blond talk-show hostess
spoke with a teen-aged victim who’d witnessed the drowning
deaths of her entire family. Pausing for a prolonged ‘sorrowful
but sensitive’ gaze into the camera, the hostess said, “Well,
my goodness. Watching your whole family die! So, what do you
think other people were thinking as they watched their loved
ones who couldn’t hold on any longer?”
If there is a merciful God, that hostess was eaten by alligators immediately after that interview.
For any novices who haven’t had the chance to carpe diem on this tragedy, there’s still time to squeak in for some long-term pay-outs. Like the Hollywood writer who chartered a helicopter down to Houston to interview the survivors.
Armed with a stack of contracts, he began
his mercenary mission--to have as many victims as possible sell
him exclusive rights to their stories. Before the dust settles
and the water subsides, he figures he can eke a few meaty screenplays
out of it all that he can peddle to Hollywood.
“Big tragedies mean big stories and big paychecks,”
he says. “With any luck, Katrina will blow me all the way
to the bank.”
Maybe. If one of the snipers doesn’t get him first. Or any
of the police or military assigned to protect New Orleans from
circling vultures.
©2005 by Gina Gallo. The illustration is from IMSI's Master Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA. This column first posted Sept. 19, 2005.
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