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THE 'RAUNCHY REDHEADS' TAKE OVER
Forget Joan & Melissa:
It's Pat & Gina Time!
of TheColumnists.com
Fashionistas, take note. In a startling last minute upset, members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Science voted to oust viper-tongued fashion police Joan and Melissa Rivers in favor of two style-savvy babes who know a thing or two about wielding some big guns of their own.
Greeting the parade of Oscar nominees on the red carpet this year are two redheads from The Columnists, Pat Geister and Gina Gallo. In a brilliant strategic move that shows true teamwork, Pat and Gina have divided their star interviews according to height. While the diminutive Ms. Geister works the room with the altitude challenged crowd, the long tall woman from the heartland will rub very elevated elbows with the skyscraper types. We take you now to the short end of the carpet where Pat is already doing some serious star-gazing.
PAT: Good evening from
Hollywood, movie fans and Oscar celebrants. Here I am surrounded
by gorgeous people in gorgeous fashions, opulent jewels, hairdos
that are to die for. Beauty and talent reign tonight!
I've had the opportunity to meet and greet so many of your favorites
and mine. There's Mel Gibson off to my right talking to his dear
friend, Danny Glover. I asked them if we could look forward to
Lethal Weapon 5, and they said maybe after Sylvester Stallone
puts Rocky XII in theaters. I think we can take that as a maybe.
Gina, you are wearing such a lovely, lovely ensemble for us tonight.
I’ve never seen....is that silk? cut in tiny scalloped layers
like that. Tell me, is that Versace or Donna Karan?
GINA: Neither, Pat. It’s actually fish scales, courtesy
of the wardrobe mistress from the Sopranos. Just my little visual
aid to remind the Academy that if my favorites don’t win
tonight, somebody’s going to be sleeping with the fishes!
PAT: Well, it’s certainly a unique look. And so politically
correct, too, considering all the controversy with the tuna and
dolphin net fishing debacle. You’re really making a statement.
GINA: Just make sure you stay upwind. And see if you can get
a security guard over here to chase away this bunch of cats that
are circling, please. But please tell us about your stunning
gown. I’ve never seen such a confection of color before.
PAT: Oh, this old thing? Well, for this important event, I chose
my best Dame Edna look-alike gown. I mean, really, every woman
should have pale purple or stark lavender hair at least once
in her life. It complements the royal purple sequins and beads
on my glittery black silk sheath dress. My jewels are courtesy
of Jay Say Pennay. This handsome young man right behind me is
their security guard. I feel so important. My shoes? Because
this is a formal affair I chose my very favorite black velvet
tenny runners and white socks. Thank you, Gina, thank you. Yes,
I do look stunning, don't I?
Hello, Johnny Depp! I know your millions of fans can hardly wait
to see you win tonight. Tell us, please, your film, "Finding
Neverland," did they let you shoot actually on the ranch?
What ranch? The Neverland Ranch. Michael Jackson's place.
Wait! Wait, Johnny! I have a few things more to ask. Oh, well.
I'm sure he has to rush in and find a good seat close to the
stage. Back to you, Gina..
GINA: Pat, in case you didn’t hear that roar from the crowd
on your end of the carpet, the most exciting thing has happened.
Everybody’s favorite Million Dollar Baby, Hilary Swank just
had a wardrobe malfunction!
PAT: You mean she exposed her...
GINA: YES! .Even before anyone could figure out if her gown was
Versace or Balenciaga, she dropped it and flashed her Everlast
boxing shorts. I’m told they’re done by Harry Winston--more
than 20,000 carats of emeralds set in green satin. ‘Ma cuishla’,
indeed! Hilary’s always a knock-out, in or out of the ring.
PAT: Jerard Butler, I'm so pleased to see you. You are so wonderful
in The Phantom of The Opera; so powerful. Tell us what are your
career plans for the near future? Excuse me, dear, could you
speak a bit slower? Oh, really....uh-huh....how interesting....marvelous,
simply marvelous. Why, thank you. White socks do make my outfit,
don't they? Yes, nice to see you, too. Uh-huh, see you next year,
I'm sure.
If any of you viewers understood a word he said, please let me
know. Those Scots, they're such gorgeous hunks, but I get lost
when they speak.
GINA: And here’s Jamie Fox coming up, another crowd favorite
for his peerless performance in ‘Ray.’ Jamie, that
stunning tux can’t be anything but Valentino, but I see
you’re also wearing the other famous ‘V’ product.....Vaseline.
Is it true you used the same jar from your ‘Wanda’
character on ‘In Living Color’ to glue your eyes shut
as Ray Charles?
Oh, here comes Paul Giamatti, soaking up his well-deserved glory.
Paul, are the reports true about the vineyard groupies who’ve
been stalking you since ‘Sideways?’ What? It’s
not the size of the grapes, it’s the motion of the wine
cask that counts? Hmmm, I’ve never heard that expression
before. Watch out--you’re just about to bump into Scarlett
Johannsen. Hey, is that a corkscrew in your pocket or are you
glad to see her?
PAT: Annette Bening, dear! Oh, I love your red dress! Your stylist
chose it for you? How sweet. I'm pleased to meet you, Warren.
Now, Ms. Bening, "Being Julia" is the first real comedy
production you've done well in. Yes, I do remember "Mars
Attacks." And What Planet -- Well, that's what I mean. You
did so well as Julia. Good luck this evening.
And here we have Michael Moore. I see you've forsaken the baseball
cap this year. Tell me, did it take millions to produce "Super
Size Me?" Oh, you didn't make that? Well, I just automatically
related Michael Moore to Super Size. I'm sorry, I -- and the
same to you. All right, who's the wiseguy that came up with that
Super Size Me gag? You're fired!
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Gina,, who's that fabulous star with you?
GINA: Pat, I’m here with Don Cheadle, who’s just come
from the emergency oxygen bar in the Award nominee’s lounge.
He tells me they had to resuscitate more than 15 actors who were
accidentally gassed near the buffet when Leo DeCaprio tried to
disinfect everything with Lysol. It sounds like Leo must’ve
gotten into his Howard Hughes role more than anyone realized.
That must be why they’re rolling him down the carpet in
that hyper baric chamber he bought second hand from Michael Jackson.
Don says the malaria alert on the "Hotel Rwanda" set
was a piece of cake compared to Leo’s current germ phobia
kick..
Oh, and it looks like the SWAT team is climbing back down from
that bell tower over there. They thought it might’ve been
a terrorist or a sniper, but it was just Kate Winslet, shouting
that she was on top of the world. Isn’t that old news by
now?
PAT: I think she’s referring to the combination of her six-inch
heels and wonder bra. Personally, I’ve never understood
why those stately types have to gild the lily. With elevation
like that, the girl simply defies gravity. And speaking of unnatural
wonders -
Charo! Whoops! Don't fall off those platform shoes and hurt yourself.
Blue is your color, especially those stunning blue diamonds.
Mmmm-wah! Hugs, dear. She's such a darling.
Fans, look at our Mickey Rooney. What? Oh, I'm happy to make
you look tall.
The world is tall next to me. I take it your black bow tie makes
your bath towel into formal wear? Thank goodness this towel is
bigger than the one in your commercial. Looking good, Mickey,
looking good.
Now it's my pleasure to be with Colin Farrell and Angelina Jolie.
You both look sexy, as always. I don't care what anyone says,
"Alexander" was a wonderful movie. Colin, I want to
commend you for bringing your mother as your date tonight. Oh,
Angelina's not your mother? Please! Those expletives could get
us blacked out! Stop that! Is it my fault Angelina did such a
convincing job as your mother? I think it's nice when a son honors
his mother. Fine, fine. I see your time is short and so is your
vocabulary.
Movie fans, I can't tell you how much I've enjoyed my time here
in Jollywood. Until next year, enjoy the Oscar awards.
Gina, it's been fun. I'll see you at the after party at Spielberg's
house. They tell me the theme is Star Wars. If I can meet more
of these stars and talk to them, that's what we'll have: star
wars.
GINA: Thanks, Pat. I’m going to wrap it up on this end as
well. Clint Eastwood just asked for directions and I’ve
offered to escort him personally.
PAT: Hey, wait! From down on this end, it looks like you’re
going in the wrong direction. The doors are the other way!
GINA: Shut up, Pat. I’ve seen every movie he’s ever
made and I know exactly what this man wants. He may have lost
his chance with an Italian chick in “The Bridges of Madison
County” but it’s not gonna happen this time. All I
have to do is get him into the limo. I’ve got a lemon meringue
pie there--That he said was his version of heaven, and a pair
of handcuffs, just to make sure he hangs around for mine.
Copyright 2005 by Gina Gallo and Patricia J. Geister. The illustration
uses elements from IMSI's Master Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco
Blvd. E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA. This column first
posted on Feb. 28, 2005.
Editor's Note: If Gina
and Pat don't look like redheads in the photos above, do not
panic. Have you never heard of cosmetic enhancement? These are
women who will do anything to get on TV.
You
can comment on this column online. Please address your message
to either "The Editors" or Gina Gallo and Patricia
J. Geister. To send an email, click here: talkback@thecolumnists.com
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