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Mature Woman |
 Our Columnist, wearing a heavy disguise, heads for the Social Security office |
Take the money & run?
Sure, but wear a disguise
By PATRICIA J. GEISTER
of TheColumnists.com
Promise me you'll keep this in confidence. Something happened to me this morning. I got older. I applied for my Social Security benefits. Note that I said older, not old. I prefer to think of it as reaching my full maturity. Even though I'm not yet 65--listen, I'll say it again: I'm not 65--I decided to take the money and run.
Wouldn't you know the service representative who took my information and asked me all those probing questions was a woman under 30? To make matters worse, she was skinny. Under these circumstances, one cannot possibly cope with a skinny woman under 30. Where were the over the age of 40 employees? This is blatant age discrimination, I tell you.
She certainly had her nerve. I couldn't possibly be the first or only person who showed up in dark glasses and a big hat that covered all of my hair and part of my face. I got a little nervous when she asked for my driver's license. "Please take off your glasses and hat," she said. For crying out loud, I handed her my Social Security card already. The names match. Isn't that enough?
The poor girl really should do something about her hearing loss. "Could you please speak up, Mrs. uh, Mrs. ... I'm sorry, would you tell me your name again?" Good grief! If I spoke up any louder the applicant in the next cubicle might have heard me and remembered my name. Tabloids pay big money for information about women who apply for--don't make me say it again.
And those questions! How many times had I been married? Where did I get married, who was he, when did I divorce him? When I told her the first two were both dead, I was scared she was going to ask if I could explain how and why they died. Nobody told me I'd need an alibi.
I was so happy when she told me my check could go directly to the bank. The thought of going up to a teller who would shout, "Well, I see your Social Security check arrived on time this month," makes my blood run cold. When she told me I could have done the whole thing by telephone, I really got upset. Do you mean it's not always done in person? I'll keep that in mind for when I do reach the age of 65. A lot could change in… never mind how long.
Medicare is a good thing, but it discriminates against women. They don't cover the cost of hair color enhancement. Did you know that in some states Medicare will cover surgery for penis implants? No, I'm not going to send you a list of those states. If men can be enhanced, why can't women get the same treatment? Health care plans pay for Viagara for men of all ages. Women on Medicare won't be buying birth control pills. Every six weeks I spend far less on my enhancements than a 30-day supply of men's pills or transplants. I've contacted my State and Federal Congressional members to get bills introduced to change these differences. Women deserve to be treated equally, especially now.
There is some good in everything, though. I'll have a little extra mad money to splurge on the occasional lunch when I go shopping. There's a nice little French restaurant I've been meaning to try. Jacques in Ze Box is the name on the marquis. Pomme de terre smothered in le catsup appeals to my finer senses. Oh, hold me back! I can hardly wait.
© 2002 by Patricia
J. Geister. The illustration is from IMSI's Master Clips Collection,
1895 Francisco Blvd. E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA.
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