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 Her cousin had crawled into a bottle and wanted advice on saving his marriage. |
Doing the right thing isn't
always easy to learn
of TheColumnists.com
A bedside telephone ringing after midnight is formidable. Either it’s a confused drunk who dialed a wrong number, or it’s a family emergency.
“Please, you’ve got to tell me how to save my marriage! Edie left me for another man!”
I was right on both counts. My cousin was the bearer of bad news, and he had crawled into the bottle. Making him understand we needed to discuss this in daylight was no small feat.
Edie (not her real name) had called me a month earlier asking for the name of a good divorce attorney. My response to that was to say I’m neither an attorney, nor do I give such referrals. What would be the use? They usually change their minds and never make an appointment. There you are, stuck in the middle, and you unwittingly become the villain. Anyone who seriously considers leaving a marriage finds their own attorney. Leave it that way.
Frank (that’s what I’ll call him) and she were nearing their second anniversary. The new man in her life was exciting. She was bored with Frank, disillusioned with marriage, and looking to move on. Edie had asked for a divorce rather than an anniversary gift. After so many years of hearing sad stories, I know there aren’t many surprises.
There is no such thing as free advice. Either you pay to get it, or you end up paying because you gave it. I was in that situation with Frank. I told him he had no marriage to save. He raged at me for my insensitivity. No matter how honest I was, he expected magic. Frank’s bank account had been destroyed. She expected separate maintenance. Edie wanted a new life. Frank wanted the old life. He didn’t need magic. He needed a miracle.
All love relationships come to an end in one of three ways. Those are disinterest, divorce, or death. If you’ve lost interest, call the whole thing off quickly. Hopefully this will happen before marriage. Do the right thing and be kind. Long explanations aren’t necessary. They don't deserve to be a BTN (better than nothing), and neither do you. Wish them good luck and move on.
Divorce is a form of betrayal. You promised to be partners forever. Sometimes forever turns out to be a short span in time. When the end comes and the battles begin, there will be no heroes in that war. Protect yourself, your finances and property. Be as fair as the law allows. Two people came into the marriage; two people have to work on leaving the marriage. Forget revenge. That costs too much in money and misery.
Death is devastating, naturally. I can promise you this, though. The dearly departed temporarily takes on the characteristics of a saint. You may not recognize them by the descriptions you hear.
Whatever causes the termination you will go on. Emotional independence ranks along side the financial kind. Your life and responsibilities, the bills, parenthood, are still there. Do what you need to take care of them. Ultimately they will reward you.
Grieving is healthy up to a point. If you let it take on a life of its own, seek help from a qualified professional source. Realize it’s now the past, not the present or future. Gather into your memory the good parts, the fond memories, and the shared laughs. Survival and happiness are now your goals.
Five years after my second
divorce I got my best advice from a T-shirt logo. “Go first
class. Your ex will.” That’s my advice to you. Do it
financially whenever possible. Do it emotionally every chance
you get.
© 2002 by Patricia J. Geister. The illustration is from
IMSI's Master Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. E., San
Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA.
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