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EAST PODUNK |
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Rev up yer pickups. boys!
It's redneck weddin' time!
By PATRICIA J. GEISTER
of TheColumnists.com
Second of Three Columns
Sunday evening on a back road outside of East Podunk and the pool table's getting good use. "I Shoulda Been A Cowboy" is blaring from the juke box, wafting its way through the smoke and around the long-neck bottles of Lone Star. All them good ol' boys and sweet young thang gir-uls are keeping time to the music with their sharp-toed boots, the men holding their pool cues straight up in front of them, or watching the couples on the dance floor. Yeah, buddy.
"Hey, y'all, look-a here, now. We got Big Ed and his lady, Jody, who want to get theyselves a-married. After the $25 they had to come up with jes' to get a license, now they's hard pressed for cash to have a big, fancy weddin'.
"Joe, you got yoursef a paper on that wall over yonder says yer a preacher man. Ain't that right?" asks Johnny.
Joe, the bar owner and all round self-trained law and order, justice of the peace, and sometimes bouncer, says, "Yay-yus, I am that. When need be, I'm a parson, too."
"Well, aw-right. Ed, Jody, what's yer problem? You two spend more time in this place than you ever spent in a church house, so why not do it here? Joe, you wanna have a weddin'?"
And that's how it came to pass that I offered to shoot the ceremony in front of the pool table. I was driving through that area and had stopped to get myself an honest to goodness Coca Cola in a glass bottle. I heard Johnny pose his question to Joe, and I wanted to stick around to see how it ended.
Joe dug out his Universal Life certificate to get its member number he'd use with his signature on their license. Johnny went through the small group taking contributions toward the extra popcorn, pretzels, and ham sandwiches for the make-shift reception to follow. Big Ed stood tall, accepting handshakes and slaps on the back from the boys. Jody got all flustered when she couldn't find any lipstick in her purse.
"Here, I got a couple of lipstick samples from my Avon lady. Now, hon, you come a-long with me back to the ladies room and we'll git ya'all fixed up," offered a friend.
Another patron got on the pay phone and began calling the missing regulars to tell them to, "Git down here to Joe's Place quick as you can. Big Ed 'n' Jody's gonna be married here tonight. Yay-yus!"
The place filled up in a hurry. Joe slicked back his hair, stuck his well-chewed cigar into an ash tray that was a big ceramic bullfrog. He stood in the glow of the overhead lamp near the pool table. Ed and Jody, Johnny and his woman, Lily, were in front of him. I got off a couple of pre-wedding shots posed to look like the actual ceremony.
"Friends, this is a special occasion for Joe's Place. It's a real first. I'm proud, right proud, to o-fishy-ate in my position as the parson and justice of the peace."
"Ed, Jody, do you wish to be married this evenin'?"
Jody, about to respond in the affirmative, suddenly realized that Ed hadn't answered the question. She looked, waited, then jabbed her elbow into his ribs.
"Well?"
"Yeah, uh, I guess so."
"You guess so? You guess so?" Her voice was rising, almost cracking.
Johnny wanted to be helpful. "Ed, boy, say yes."
Ed's first response was a soft Yes, and, followed by Jody's second jab to the ribs, a loud "Yes!"
Joe continued. "Aw-right, then."
"Ed, do you promise to love, provide for and cherish Jody?"
"Yes."
"Jody, do you promise to love, honor, be a good wife to Ed?"
"Yes."
"Do you both promise to be faithful and true to one another as husbands and wives ought to do?"
"Yay-yus," they both said, smiling.
"Aw-right, then." Joe raised his right hand, took a deep breath, and finished, "By the power of all mighty, and the authority given to me by this state, I do so swear that you are now, right now, and forever more, a married couple.You. Are. Husband. And. Wife. Yes, you are."
The crowd cheered, the happy couple kissed, and I took photos of them and the entourage.
After a couple more bottles of Coca Cola I handed the newlyweds the roll of film and wished them all the best.
If ever you're driving through East Podunk, look for a back road and see if you can find Joe's Place. If it's a Sunday night in June, you never know, there just might be a weddin' in the makin' if you're lucky.
Tell Joe I said "Hey!"
©2004 by Patricia
J. Geister. The drawing is from IMSI's Master Clips Collection,
1895 Francisco Blvd. E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA.
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