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GORDON GREB |
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FINALLY ARRIVED?
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Can dial-a-bribe seduce
a courageous columnist?
By GORDON GREB
of TheColumnists.com
I have a confession to make: today’s world is beginning to worry me considerably. Somehow or another I no longer fit into modern times.
What made me think that
way was a routine phone call I made today. Everything seemed
to be pretty normal around the house and neighborhood. It was
quiet and peaceful. Then I suddenly found myself in a situation
predicted by imaginative writers and artists years ago. It had
crept up on me without warning. Ye, gads! What was forewarned
years ago seemed to be coming true.
For someone growing up after the stock market crash of l929 and
trying to survive the 20th Century, nobody and nothing could
possibly really scare me unless it was Dr. Frankenstein himself.
During the early l930s the nation was in deep economic trouble,
but President Roosevelt never covered it up, saying, “...Only
a foolish optimist can deny the dark realities of the moment.”
He said we would solve these problems and we --the unemployed
who found work--believed he did.
Since then, having lived through crises of many kinds--gangsterism,
wars, inflation, injustice, prejudice, riots, and corruption--I’ve
always felt confident we could find a way to deal with them and
had nothing to fear. But all that changed with this particular
phone call. My shock arose from dialing the wrong 800 telephone
number.
What I got on the other end now convinces me that “Metropolis”–that
classic 1926 look into the future by movie director Fritz Lang--is
much closer than you think.
For years I’ve called my computer “Hal” as a tribute
to Stanley Kubrick’s imaginative view of “2001,”
which looked ahead to the world in the 21st century. Whether
you’re using a PC or a Mac today, believe me they have minds
of their own.
It was my telephone conversation today which told me who was
in charge: When I tried dialing 1-800-123-4567, this is what
I got:
RECORDING: Welcome. You’ve reached the Special Relations
Section of Your Behind-the-Scenes Government. Thank you for calling
Our Big Brother Contributions and Bribery Department to help
us advance the idea of free enterprise in public service and
see that you get rewarded for it. If you are a radio, TV or print
journalist wishing to apply for one of our special under-the-table
contracts, please select one of the following :
1--To favor one of our controversial policies word for word as
your own in a bylined column, article, program or newscast (click
1),
2--To slip the propaganda we supply you into work of one of your
colleagues (click 2),
3--To help us lambaste opponents with our ideas which you put
in your own work (click 3),
4--To attend news conferences using questions we’ve told
you to ask in advance of our officials and use their answers
word for word (click 4),
5--To speak with an operative about any new or novel bribery
ideas of your own, please stay on the line.
On hearing this I was speechless. Here was a chance to join the
crowds making off with tons of legal tender from the U.S. Treasury
Department in Washington, D.C.--a way to make loads of money
from the George W. Bush administration. All I had to do was agree
to let the government use my column (www.TheColumnists.com) and
its contents as a conveyor of good news about the current administration.
Everyday you read or hear about millions of dollars being given
to heads of corporations, slick politicians, brokerage firm dealmakers,
golden-parachuters, etc. Now journalists could get in on it.
Why shouldn’t I?
That was my thinking when a voice came on the line:
VOICE: Are you a writer, journalist, newsman or someone who has
a following in the media?
GREB: Well..er...I do write a column.
VOICE: Good. We like columnists. How many readers do you you
have?
GREB: I really don’t know. But my editor thinks we could
get plenty of advertisers for the asking. Would you be considered
an advertiser?
VOICE: No, all arrangement with your government are now kept
secret. But we’re good people with good intentions--like
patrons of Italy who supported great art in the past.
GREB: Sounds great to me. What do I do and how do I get paid?
VOICE: It’s simple. You’ll receive a call from one
of our departments--say, for example, Education or Defense--and
you tell them you agree to a verbal contract. After this they’ll
reward you with an educational project that will pay handsomely--up
to $100,000 sometimes. It depends on how many jobs you do. Carry
them out and after your columns are published, you get a government
check.
GREB: This is great. Sign me up. Dr. Johnson once said, “Nobody
writes for free except blockheads.”
VOICE: One last thing--how did you vote in the November election?
GREB: Why do you need to
know that?
VOICE: I’m surprised you don’t know. This Administration
always maintains quality control. During the last campaign, no
one could attend a presidential speech without being screened
and holding a ticket.
GREB: What if I told you I voted for Bush and didn’t.
VOICE: Oh, that’s impossible. We’ve seen to it that
nearly all voting machines are programmed to track how everybody
votes. We’d know.
GREB: Then I made a mistake voting for John Kerry.
VOICE: If that’s your answer, you certainly did. You don’t
qualify for a bribery contract. I think this ends our conversation.
(Click)
Since I dialed this secret government office accidentally, I
could not call back and try to persuade this slush-funder to
give me a bribery contract. So today I remain a poor columnist.
Yes, a “blockhead” looking for new and novel ways to
make money.
Bribery, for the moment, is definitely out of the question.
©2005
by Gordon Greb. The drawing is from IMSI's Master Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd.
E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA. This column first posted
on Feb. 7, 2005.
You
can comment on this column online. Please address your message
to either "The Editors" or Gordon Greb. To send an
email, click here: talkback@thecolumnists.com
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