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STAN ISAACS Out of Left Field |
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If Dear Abby can't help, there's always the popular Dear Stan!
By
STAN ISAACS
of TheColumnists.com
The surfeit of pro football these coming weekends brings to mind
a complaint passed on in the Dear Abby advice column. It recounted
the mournful tale of a Football Widow asking what she should
do about her husband. She wrote that on a night they had invited
friends over for dinner he constantly left her with their company
so he could slip into the television room to watch a pro football
game. He was with them so seldom, the affronted guests made an
excuse to leave early.
Football Widow wrote: "Needless to say, I am terribly upset
and wonder if we will ever see these lovely people again. What
should I have done?"
Abby answered, "You should have kicked your husband in the
end zone as soon as he started to pull the disappearing act.
And in the future don't schedule a dinner party on a football
night unless everybody enjoys football and wants to watch it
together."
I suspect Abby's response to Football Widow did not completely
take care of the matter. I offer some other approaches to cover
the situation. To wit:
Dear
Widow:
Who played in the game? What was the score? Was it a good game?
What was the point spread? Did your husband have a bet on the
game? It seems to me you haven't provided enough information
to respond to your letter properly.
*
* *
Dear
Widow: You
were too passive. You and your guests should have teamed to block
your husband from going to the television set. You could have
gone to a nickle defense in front of the set. Or you could have
blitzed him early before he got out of the dining room. I am
not sure which method would have been best, but that could have
been something for you and your guests to discuss while you were
having drinks. This would have given them much more to do than
just sit around and discuss the weather. Try this the next time
he does that, and your dinner gathering will be the talk of the
neighborhood, I'm sure.
*
* *
Dear
Widow:
What do you expect him to watch? Have you seen the state of television
today? I think you should take your troubles to the networks,
not me. As long as TV is serving up trash, any red-blooded man
will watch a football game any time.
*
* *
Dear
Widow:
It is said that no matter how big a sports event there is in
the United States at least a billion people in China don't care
one whit about it. I say get your husband off to China and your
worries about him as a football fanatic are over.
*
* *
Dear
Widow: What
did you serve for dinner? Was it something delicious or did you
dish up the same old slop? What do you expect when you cook with
Borax? I am sick and tired of hearing wives complain of their
husbands watching football games on television while at the dinner
table. If you could cook a halfway decent meal, he might start
paying attention to dinner. Bug off.
*
* *
Dear
Widow:
You should go out immediately and buy your husband a video recording
machine so that he can tape the football game. This will allow
him to spend time with you and your guests. Warning: if you get
such a machine, your husband will start taping every football
game that he doesn't watch in person. He soon will have such
a backlog of tapes there hardly will be enough hours in a day
for him to find time to play back those games. You will be lucky
to see him away from the TV set at all. Maybe this is not such
a good idea.
*
* *
Dear
Widow: You
ought to find something to distract your husband. How about trying
a little soft lights, music and wine. Wear something slinky.
Show him a few naked reverses of your own. Try this and let me
know how it all turns out.
*
* *
Dear
Widow: Your
husband has it too easy watching football in the comfort of his
home. Buy him season tickets to his favorite team's games. Insist
that he go to the games rather than watch it second-hand on television.
You might even volunteer to go with him. Let him sit out in the
frigid stadium, freezing his buns off for a few Sundays and that
might cure him of football.
*
* *
Dear
Widow: Who
were these guests? If they complained about football, they must
be a bunch of no-goodniks. You never should have invited them.
Why did you bother to write me in the first place? Why am I answering
this nonsense? God help us all.
*
* *
Dear
Widow: Don't
give dinner parties.
© 2000 by Stan Isaacs. Illustrations are from the IMSI Master/Clips
Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. East, San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506.
You
can comment on this column or contact Stan Isaacs with an email
to: talkback@thecolumnists.com
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