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The 47th Annual Isaacs Ratings of Esoteric Distinction
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These are the ratings for
people who hate ratings
of TheColumnists.com
Can you name the
gates of the old city in Jerusalem? You can’t? Well, that
is because you are not a devotee of the not-quite-world famous
Isaacs Ratings of Esoteric
Distinction (IRED). This is an enterprise
treasured by some, ridiculed by many, in which we fill the gap
of creating and rating categories that nobody in his/her right
mind ever thought of putting under the looking glass.
IRED fans know that the category,, “Gates of the Old City in Jerusalem,” were rated in 1979, the 17th edition of the IRED that delighted or puzzled Newsday readers for some 40 years. “Jerusalem Gates” has an honored place in the IRED annals along with “Race Track Paddocks,” 1978; “The Pep Boys,” 2001; and the ever-popular “Seven Santini Brothers” (moving company in New York). And for the record the Dung was ranked the No. 1 Jerusalem gate.
The ratings, which were launched upon an unsuspecting world in 1960, and moved to thecolumnists.com in 2001, were conceived as a loving spoof of The Ring magazine boxing ratings. In those days Ring was the only entity that dealt in ratings, but they have mushroomed like, well, mushrooms, inspiring the IRED to rush in where nobody else dare tread.
New categories achieve the limelight every year except for the one staple, “Chocolate Ice Creams,” which highlights each endeavor. The proprietor rejects the accusation of elitism for listing chocolate ice creams from foreign precincts on the grounds that the love of chocolate ice cream is a universal craving. Early on I declared myself an authority on chocolate ice creams and have been at it for so many years-ever looking for new finds, ever tasting-that people don’t dare dispute my claim. I admit that when people who don’t know my name say, “You’re the chocolate ice cream nut, aren’t you?” I modestly nod.
The IRED, as regulars know, are non-partisan without redeeming social value. Herewith the 47th edition:
Chocolate Ice Creams: (1) Berthillion, Ile de St. Louis, Paris; (2) Haagen
Dazs; (3) Dr. Mike’s, Bethel, Conn.; (4) Godiva; (5) Bassett’s,
Reading
Terminal Market, Philadelphia; (6) Double Rainbow, San Francisco;
(7) Olympic Mountain, State of Washington; (8) Merci’s Vienna,
Aus.; (9) Ben & Jerry; (10) tie, Edy, East Coast, Dreyer,
West Coast.
Steven Wrightisms: (1) I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize; (2) I intend to live forever…so far so good; (3) Borrow money from pessimists; they don’t expect it back; (4) I almost had a psychic girl friend, but she left me before we met; (5) The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
WWs: (1) Walt Whitman; (2) Walt (No Neck) Williams: (3) William Wadsworth; (4) Wendell Willkie; (5) Wendy Wasserstein; (6) Walter Winchell; (7) Willie Wonka; (8) Willie Weinberg: (9) Wally Westlake; (10) tie, Walt Whitaker, Whitaker Walt.
Foundation Sires of Horse
Racing: (1) Darley Arabian; (2) Byerly
Turk; (3) Godolphin Arabian.
Senators That Hard Right
Hardheads Would Like to Get Rid Of: (1)
Ted Kennedy, MA, (2) Russ Feingold, WI; (3) Barbara Boxer, CA;
(4) Bernie Sanders, VT; (5) Patrick Leahy, VT; (6) Chuck Hagel,
NE; (7) Carl Levin, MI; (8) Tom Harkin IA, (9) Richard Durbin,
IL; (10) tie, Joseph Biden DE,, Hillary Clinton NY, Christopher
Dodd CT, Barack Obama IL..
Senators Whose Departure Should Elicit Cheers From Clear-Thinking Americans: (1) James Imhofe, OK; (2) Joseph Lieberman, CT; (3) Mitch McConnell, KY; (4) Jon Kyl (AZ); (5) Saxby Chambliss, GA; (6) Tom Coburn, OK; (7) Richard Shelby, AL; (8) Jim Bunning, KY; (9) Mel Martinez, FL; (10) Ted Stevens, AK.
Lucy Putdowns of Charlie Brown: (1) You, Charlie Brown, are a foul ball in the line drive of life; (2) You are a miscue; (3) You are a called third strike; (4) You have dropped a rod and reel in the lake of life; (5) You are three putts on the 18th green.
Rest Stops on the New Jersey Turnpike: (1) Walt Whitman; (2) Molly Pitcher; (3) Joyce Kilmer; (4) Thomas Edison; (5) Alexander Hamilton (6) Woodrow Wilson; (7) Clara Barton; (8) James Fenimore Cooper; (9) Richard Stockton; (10) Vince Lombardi.
Howard Wood’s Guest
Rating of Favorite Birds at his Feeder in Haverford, PA: (1) house wren; (2) robin; (3) catbird; (4) mockingbird;
(5) goldfinch; (6) song sparrow (7) black- capped chickadee;
(8) tufted titmouse; (9) cardinal (10) downy woodpecker.
Characters in Robert Service’s
Poems: (1) Dangerous Dan McGrew; (2) Blasphemous
Bill MacKie; (3) Claw-Fingered Kitty; (4) Hard Luck Harry; (5)
Mucklug Mag; (6) The Dago Kid; (7) Gum Boot Ben; (8) One-Eyed
Mike; (9) Pious Pete; )10) Sam McGee.
Movie Cowboys Fast on the Draw: (1) Gregory Peck (The Gunfighter); (2) James Stewart (Destry Rides Again); (3) Montgomery Clift (Red River); (4) Gary Cooper (The Plainsman); (5) Alan Ladd, (Shane); (6) Ken Maynard (The Kid from Cheyenne);(7) Bob Steele (Durango Valley Raiders); (8) Henry Fonda ("My Darling Clementine"); (9) W. C. Fields (My Little Chickadee); (10) Gary Cooper (High Noon). Note: The Gary Cooper of High Noon had gone back quite a bit from the Cooper who shot cross-handed in The Plainsman but he still rated a spot in the Top Ten.
Giants: (1) Carl Hubbell; (2) Bill Russell; (3) Goliath; (4) Mel Ott; (5) Hercules; (6) Man Mountain Dean; (7) Willie Mays; (8) Edna Ferber; (9) Paul Bunyan; (10) The Jolly Green.
The Overrateds: 1. Martin Scorsese; 2. Bill Clinton; 3. Mark Rothko; 4. Starbucks; 5. Tom Stoppard; 6. Andruw Jones; 7. Radio City Music Hall; 8. Joe Buck; 9. Rodeo Drive; 10. Andy Roddick.
Memorable Rides of “Those-Were-The-Good-Old-Days-of- Coney Island”: (1) Bumping autos; (2) Cyclone; (3) Tornado; (4) Steeplechase horses; (5) Parachute Jump; (6) Wonder Wheel; (7) Tunnel of Fun; (8) Bobsled; (9) Merry Go Round; (10) Thunderbolt.
Entities That Never Quite
Made It in a Big Way: (1) Edward VIII,
Duke of Windsor; (2) Harold Stassen; (3) Nixon Supreme Court
Nominees, Clement Haynesworth, G. Harrold Carswell; (4) William
Jennings Bryan; (5) Harriet Miers; (6) Howard Dean; (7) Zeppo;
(8) G. David Schine; (9) Charlie (trying to kick the football)
Brown; (10) tie, Karl Spooner, Clint Hartung.
Greatest Paintings; (1) Michelangelo’s “Sistine Chapel;”
(2) Picasso’s “Guernica;” (3) Velasquez’
“Las Meninas;” (4) Rembrandt’s “Danae;”
(5) Ingres’ “Grande Odalisque,” (6) Eakins’
“The Gross Clinic;” (7) Manet’s “Bar at the
Folies Bergere;” (8) Cezanne’s “Bathers;”
(9) Van Gogh’s “Starry Night;” (10) Courbet’s
“L’Origine du Monde”.
Santa’s Reindeer: (1) Dasher; (2) Comet; (3) Dancer; (4) Cupid; (5) Vixen; (6) Prancer; (7) Blitzen; (8) Donder.
Wisdom of Bill Veeck: (1) “Baseball is almost the only orderly thing in a very unorderly world; if you get three strikes, even the best lawyer in the world can’t get you off;” (2) “It isn’t the high price of stars that is expensive; it’s the high price of mediocrities;” (3) “We can’t always guarantee the ball game is going to be good, but we can guarantee the fan will have fun;” (4) “I have discovered in 20 years of moving around a ball park, that the knowledge of the game is usually in inverse proportion to the price of the seats;” (5) (to midget Eddie Gaedel) “Eddie, how would you like to be a big-league ballplayer? Eddie, you’ll be the only midget in the history of the game. Your name will go into the record books for all time. You’ll be immortal;” (6) “My epitaph is inescapable. It will read, ‘He sent a midget up to bat.’ “
Lewis and Clark: (1) Clark; (2) Lewis.
The George Bush Legacy: (1) Abu Ghraib; (2) Katrina; (3) Guantanamo; (4) Waterboarding; (5) Halliburton; (6) Blackwater; (7) Body Armor; (8) tie, Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, Donald Rumsfeld, Paul Wolfowitz, Alberto Gonzalez, George Tenet, Scooter Libby, John Bolton, Thomas Ridge.
©2007 by Stan Isaacs. The Stan Isaacs caricature is ©2001 by Jim Hummel. The illustration is from IMSI's Master Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA. This column first posted Nov. 26, 2007.
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