STAN ISAACS
Out of Left Field
 Stan rates Dr. Jekyll (seen above after turning into Mr. Hyde) above both Dr. Kildare and Dr. J |
of Esoteric Distinction (IRED) |
Our Stan issues his latest ratings--direct from left field
By STAN ISAACS
of TheColumnists.com
I PAUSE in the monitoring
of the churning world of sports to turn attention to the introduction
to cyberspace of the Isaacs Ratings of Esoteric Distinction (IRED).
This is an enterprise that long graced the pages of Newsday somewhat
to the joy and much to the bewilderment of readers.
The IRED were conceived as a loving spoof of the Ring Magazine
boxing ratings at a time when ratings hadn’t spread like
crab grass at magazines lusting for circulation boosts. The IRED
answered an unrecognized need for evaluations of such as The
Seven Santini Brothers (moving company), Public Statues of Lions
and All Time Ugly Athletes.
The evaluations are subject to change with any strongly-worded
e-mail of protest. One category, the only one that appears every
year, is chocolate ice creams. In this vital area I brook no
disagreement.
The ratings:
Chocolate Ice Creams: (1) Berthillion, Il de St. Louis,
Paris; (2) Haagen Dazs; (3) Godiva; (4) Dr. Mike’s, Bethel,
Conn.; (5) Bassett’s, Reading Terminal, Philadelphia; (6)
Double Rainbow, San Francisco; (7) Merci’s, Vienna; (8)
Bud’s, San Francisco; (9) Herrell’s, Northampton, Mass.;
(10) Sedutto’s, Staten Island, NY.
Reasons to Disband the
Olympics: (1) Corruption;
(2) Drugs; (3) Gigantism; (4) Commercialism; (5) Use of professionals;
(6) Hypocrisy.
Doctors: (1) Seuss; (2) Kronkite; (3) Salk;
(4) Fager (5) Jekyll; (6) Spock; (7) Kildare; (8) Denton; (9)
J; (10) tie, Glick and Bates.
Characters in the “West
Wing” Who Would Help Us All by Articulating More Distinctly: (1) Toby (Richard Schiff); (2) Donna
(Janel Moloney); (3) Josh (Bradley Whitford); (4) Sam (Rob Lowe);
(5) Charley (Dule Hill); (6) C.J. (Allison Janney).
Larry Merchant’s
Guest Rating of the Greatest Current Boxers Pound-for-Pound (excluding
heavyweights); (1) Shane
Mosley, welterweight; (2) Felix Trinidad, middleweight; (3) Roy
Jones, light-heavyweight; (4) Bernard Hopkins, middleweight;
(5) Floyd Mayweather, Jr., lightweight; (6) Naseem Hamed, featherweight;
(7) Oscar De La Hoya, welterweight; (8) Kostya Tszyu, welterweight;
(9) Ed Morales, featherweight; (10) Marac Antonio Barrera, featherweight.
Movies Given Short Shrift
by the Academy Awards: (1)
Billy Elliott; (2) You Can Count on Me; (3) O Brother….(4)
Finding Forester; (5) Best in Show.
Great (NY) Restaurant
Dishes--in Memoriam: (1)
Mrs. Spier’s Chocolate Graham Pie; (2) Syd & Al’s
Barbecued Spare Ribs; (3) San Marino’s Canneloni; (4) Cookery
Burgers; (5) Dubrow’s Meat Loaf; (6) Wah Kee Lemon Chicken.
American Short Story Course
I Would Like to Teach: (1)
The Gift of the Magi, O’Henry; (2) The Jumping Frog of Calaveras
County, Mark Twain; (3) The Girls in Their Summer Dresses, Irwin
Shaw; (4) A Cycle of Manhattan, Thyra Winslow; (5) The Fifty-First
Dragon, Heywood Broun; (6) The Most Dangerous Game, Richard Connell;
(7) Roar Lion Roar, Irvin Faust; (8) The Killers, Ernest Hemingway;
(9) You Could Look It Up, James Thurber; (10) tie, Babylon Revisited,
F. Scott Fitzgerald and The Downfall of Fascism in Black Ankle
County, Joseph Mitchell.
The Seven Guggenheim Brothers:
(1) Daniel; (2) Murry;
(3) Solomon; (4) Benjamin; (5) Simon; (6) Isaac; (7) William.
(Any resemblance to the rating of the Seven Santini Brothers
is not uncoincidental.)
1919 White Sox Not Involved
in the Fix: (1) Dickie
Kerr; (2) Eddie Collins; (3) Ray Schalk; (4) Socks Leibold; (5)
Shano Collins; (6) Red Faber; (7) Grover Lowdermilk.
Clinton Haters Whose Fanaticism
Works in his Favor: (1)
Dan Burton; (2) Tom DeLay; (3) Bob Barr; (4) Richard Scaife;
(5) Rush Limbaugh; (6)Trent Lott; (7) Pat Robertson; (8) Laura
Ingraham; (9) Dick Armey; (10) cartoonist Doug Marlette .
Internet Search Engines:
(1) Google, com; (2) Alta
Vista.com; (3) Ask Jeeves.com; (4) Dogpile. com; (5) Yahoo.com;
(6) Lycos.com; (7) Excite.com; (8) Hotbot.com; (9) Infoseek.com;
(10) Northern Lights.com.
The Pep Boys; (1) Moe; (2) Jack; (3) Manny.
Brown University Alumni; (1) Charles Evan Hughes, ‘81;
(2) S.J. Perlman, ’23; (3) John Hay, 1858; (4) Joe Paterno,
’50; (5) Fritz Pollard, “19; (6) Ted Turner, ’60;
(7) Horace Mann, ’19; (8) Ellen Izix, ’82; (9) Nelson
Rockefeller, ‘1897; (10) Laura Linney, ’86.
Danny Basch’s Guest
Rating of the Characters in Harry Potter: (1) Harry Potter; (2) Ron Weasley; (3) Sirius Black;
(4) Hermione; (5) Fred Weasley; (6) George Weasley; (7) Violet
Krumm; (8) Cedric Diggory; (9) Mad-Eye Moody; (10) Professor
Dumbledore.
American Un-Civil Libertarians: (1) World Wrestling Federation; (2)
Dr. Laura; (3) Don Imus; (4) Howard Stern; (5) Jerry Springer;
(6) Eminem; (7) The Sopranos; (8) Alexander Cockburn; (9) Judge
Judy; (10) Bill O’Reilly.
Big-Time Business Merger
Waiting to Happen: (1)
Yahoo with Yoo Hoo.
Broadsides by Professor
Charles Barkley: (1) “I
like Kevin Johnson. The only problem I’ve had with him is
he wants to go to church and I want to go to strip clubs.”
(2) “I was going to sue Tanya Harding [who called herself
the Charles Barkley of figure skating] for defamation of character,
but then I realized I had no character.”; (3) “I don’t
employ a bodyguard because it’s more fun to punch people
yourself.”; (4) [He returned to action though hurt because]
“seven per cent of me is better than 98 per cent of the
rest of the league.”
© 2001 by Stan Isaacs. The photo is from the film "Dr. Jekyll & Sister Hyde." The cartoon image of Stan Isaacs is © 2001 by Jim Hummel.
You can comment on this column or contact Stan Isaacs with an email to: talkback@thecolumnists.com
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