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Anniversary Edition YEAR TEN BEGINS! |
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OUT OF LEFT FIELD ON OUR TEAM SINCE JUNE 29, 2000 |
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THE 48TH ANNUAL ISAACS RATINGS OF ESOTERIC DISTINCTION
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HAIL, HAIL! THE RATINGS
ARE ALL HERE AT LAST!
of TheColumnists.com
Hear ye, hear ye and get ready to duck. It is time again for the annual frivolous wisdom known as the Isaacs Rating of Esoteric Distinction (IRED). This is the eighth edition of these ratings for TheColumnists.com after a run of more than 40 years on the sports and op-editorial pages of Newsday. The IRED will not die.
This dubious enterprise was launched initially as an April Fools Day spoof on the Ring record book ratings of boxers. In those pristine days ratings did not crop up like crabgrass in magazines desperate to increase circulation. To keep ahead of the curve the IRED continues to break ground in areas nobody ever deemed worthy of rating. Hence, the ratings of Yankee Hating Cities; Fred Astaire’s Dance Partners; and The Five Fingers.
The IRED now mark the anniversaries of TheColumnists.com. They are without redeeming social value, but fearless and incorruptible. These findings are subject to change with any strongly-worded communication. But, as ever, we brook no disagreement in the one permanent category, the almost-world-wide celebrated Chocolate Ice Creams.
The 48th Annual Ratings:
Chocolate Ice Creams: (1) Berthillon, Ile de St. Louis, Paris; (2) Douglas & James, Port Washinton, NY; (3) Haagen Dazs; (4) Dr. Mike’s, Bethel, Conn; (5) Bud’s, Northern California; (6) Bassett’s, Reading Terminal Market, Philadelphia; (7) Godiva; (8) Olympic Mountain, Washington State; (9) Merci’s, Vienna, Austria; (10) tie, Edy, East Coast; Dreyer, West Coast.
Muhammad Ali Opponents: (1) Joe Frazier; (2) George Foreman; (3) Larry Holmes; (4) Sonny Liston; (5) Ken Norton; (6) Henry Cooper; (7) Floyd Patterson; (8) Cleveland Williams; (9) Oscar Bonavena; (10) Doug Jones.
Character Actors Beginning with the Letter “C”: (1) Elisha Cook, Jr.; (2) John Carradine; (3) Donald Crisp; (4) Harry Carey; (5) Ilka Chase; (6) Ray Collins; (7) Frank Craven; (8) Walter Catlett; (9) Fred Clark; (10)tie, Eduardo Ciannelli, Joseph Calleia.
Revised Legacy of George W. Bush: (1) Iraq War; (2) Katrina; (3) Abu Ghraib; (4) Halliburton; (5) Guantonamo; (6) Waterboarding; (7) Blackwater; (8) Walter Reed Hospital; (9) Jack Abramoff; (10) tie, Dick Cheney; Karl Rove, Donald Rumsfeld, Paul Wolfowicz, Alberto Gonzalez, George Tenet, Scooter Libby, John Bolton.
The 2008 Championship Philadelphia Phillies: (1) Brad Lidge; (2) Ryan Howard; (3) Cole Hamels; (4) Charlie Manuel; (5) Chase Utley; (6) Jimmy Rollins; (7) Shane Victorino; (8) Jamie Moyer; (9) Brett Myers; (10) tie, Jayson Werth, Ryan Madson, Pat Burrell, Carlos Ruiz.
Archie Moore’s Guest Rating of His Wives: (1) No. 5 (“Absolutely the greatest.”); (2) No. 1 (“Great.”); (3) tie, Nos. 2, 3, 4 (“Weren’t so much.)
2008 Deceased Who Did Splendidly in the Time They Were With Us: (1) Paul Newman; (2) Edmund Hillary; (3) Studs Terkel; (4) Michael deBakey; (5) tie, Berenice Hess, Isidore (Scotty) Scott; (7) Arthur Clarke; (8) Anne d’Harnoncourt; (9) Cyd Charisse; (10) Jim McKay; (11) tie, Johnny Podres, Herb Score
Sports Heroes of the Golden 1920s: (1) Babe Ruth; (2) Jack Dempsey; (3) Bill Tilden; (4) Red Grange; (5) Helen Wills Moody; (6) Bobby Jones; (7) Benny Leonard; (8) Earl Sande; (9) Johnny Weissmuller; (10) Walter Johnson.
The Acerbic Wit of H.L. Mencken: (1)There’s no underestimating the intelligence of the American public: (2) When women kiss, it always reminds one of prizefighters shaking hands; (3) When you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sign that he expects to be paid for it. (4) On one issue at least men and women agree; they both distrust women; (5) We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
Person Who Should be Named Obama’s Secretary of Labor: (1) Michael Moore
Boogie Woogies: (1) Between 18th and 19th on Chestnut St. (2) Beat Me Daddy Eight to the Bar; (3) Scrub Me Momma with a Boogie Beat; (4) Pine Top Boogie; (5) Cow Cow Boogie; (6) Bugle Boy Boogie; (7) Boogie Woogie Stomp; (8) Cryin’ the Boogie Blues; (9) Drum Boogie; (10) Honky Tonk Train Blues
Favorite Names for Rock Groups: (1) Ethel & the Brazen Hussies; (2) The Quiet.
Famous American Literateurs of Their Time Who Have Fallen by the Wayside: (1) James Branch Cabell; (2) Gene Stratton Porter; (3) Thomas Bailey Aldrich; (4) Floyd Dell; (5) Jack Conroy; (6) E. W. Howe; (7) David Graham Phillips; (8) Helen Hunt Jackson; (9) E.D.E.N Southworth; (10) Winston (not the real) Churchill
Late Night Funsters: (1) Jon Stewart; (2) Stephen Colbert; (3) Steve Allen; (4) Johnny Carson; (5)) Jay Leno; (6) David Letterman; (7) Jack Paar; (8) Conan O’Brien; (9) Jimmy Kimmel.
Republican Senators Who
Can't Be Overjoyed that Sarah Palin is Regarded
as the New Head of the Party: (1) Chuck
Hagel, Neb.; (2) Susan Collins, ME; (3) Olympia Snowe, ME; (4)
Richard Lugar, Ind; (5) Charles Grassley, Iowa; (6) Arlen Spector,
Pa.; (7) John Warner, Va.; (8) George Voinovich, OH; (9) John
Sununu, NH; (10) Lamar Alexander, Tenn.
Wall Street Animals: (1) Bulls; (2) Lambs; (3) Bears (4) Pigs; (5) Rats.
Signs at Ben’s Long Island Delicatessens: (1) Today I am a man, tomorrow I’m back in the seventh grade; (2) For 5,000 years we were a wandering people, then we found cabanas and country clubs; (3) Is the Nobel Prize too much to ask?; (4) A half-truth is a whole lie; (5) Items for Jews on safari: map, compass, gun and hard sucking candy.
Crossword Puzzle Aces: (1) Will Shortz; (2) Eugene Maleska; (3) Merl Reagle; (4) Will Weng; (5) Stanley Newman; (6) Margaret Farrar; (7) Charles Preston; (8) Natalie Bobrove.
The Baseball Joe Series (circa 1916): (1) Baseball Joe on the Giants; (2) Baseball Joe of the Silver Stars; (3) Baseball Joe on the School Nine; (5) Baseball Joe at Yale; (6) Baseball Joe in the Central League: (7) Baseball Joe in the Big League; (8) Baseball Joe in the World Series; (9) Baseball Joe: Home Run King; (10) Baseball Joe Around the World.
Ron Miller's Guest Category
of Paul Newman Movies: (1) The Verdict;
(2) Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid; (3) The Hustler; (4)
Hud; (5) The Color of Money;
(6) Cool Hand Luke; (7) The Sting; (8) Sometimes A Great Notion;
(9) Cat on a Hot Tin Roof; (10) Somebody Up There Likes Me.
Out of Left Field Suggestion for Turning the Economy Around: (1) Have Bush and Dick Cheney resign immediately.
©2008 by Stan Isaacs. The Stan Isaacs
caricature is ©2001 by Jim Hummel. This column first posted
Dec. 1, 2008.
TO ACCESS STAN ISAACS' ARCHIVE OF COLUMNS ON THIS SITE, CLICK HERE: ISAACS ARCHIVE
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