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Here Are Some Bowls
To End All Bowls
of TheColumnists.com
We are almost at the end of the siege of 35 college football bowl games. There is no good reason for most of these games, but there is something magic about the word, “bowl” which gives it cache that attracts television, newspaper and magazine coverage. Let Tedium Tech play Ennui U. in the Ho-Hum Bowl and it commands attention.
Scott Simon of National Public Radio hit on something when he mocked the glut of bowl games by talking about a “Bear-Stearns Foreclosure” Bowl. He neatly put a national news story--the financial collapse--in the framework of bowl nonsense.
This was inspiration to adopt Simon’s ploy and conceive of many happenings that could be put into a bowl framework. We suggest:
* The “Israel vs. Hamas” Bowl: Nobody wins.
* The “Charles Ponzi Was a Piker Bernard Madoff” Bowl: Madoff is a hands-down winner of the “&$#*!& of the Year” Award.
* The “Wouldn’t It Be Something if Dick Cheney Wound Up in Jail?” Bowl: The man is unrepentant about justifying the Iraq war and torture, and scuttling the Constitution.
* The “Hillary Clinton Not Everybody Can Be President” Bowl: She tried hard, but no cigar.
* The “Rudy Giuliani Chain of 9-11 Convenience Stores” Bowl: Joe Biden’s line that Giuliani knew only three words--a verb, a noun and 9-11--may have earned Biden the Vice Presidential nomination.
* The “Hooray for Google” Bowl: How did we ever do research without Google?
* The “Security Exchange Commission (SEC) Where Was It When It Was Needed?” Bowl: These bozos were looking out for Wall Street at the expense of Main Street.
* The “Caroline Kennedy Entitlement” Bowl: She hasn’t helped herself by being relatively unavailable to public scrutiny in her desire to be Clinton’s successor as New York senator.
* The “Isn’t It a Shame Walter O’Malley Was Voted into the Baseball Hall of Fame” Bowl: Los Angeles lobbying prevailed over Brooklyn despair about the man who sold out the borough.
* The “Tis a Pity Donald Trump Didn’t Invest With Bernard Madoff” Bowl: These financial titans should have been palsy-walsy.
* The “O.J. Simpson Finally Gets His Just Desserts” Bowl: Now that he is in jail he can’t go searching on the golf courses of America for the killer of his wife.
* The “Drop Dead Gorgeous Jill Biden” Bowl: Her husband’s loving description of his wife was right on.
* The “Monopoly” Bowl: I’d rather own a cable-TV company than “Boardwalk” and “Park Place.”
* The “Take Private Jets to Get to the Big 3 Auto” Bowl: There should be images of Marie Antoinette on the planes.
* The “Never-Ending Recount in Minnesota” Bowl: The results vary with each count, like basketball scores; Franken up by 47, Coleman ahead by 107, Franken by 42…
* The “Yankees Will Eventually Buy Every Player
in Baseball” Bowl: And aren’t
the New York City taxpayers generous in providing the Yankees
with tax free bonds to build their new stadium?
* The “Mr. and Mrs. Rod #*$*&#*&# Blagojevich”
Bowl: I like Rachel Maddow’s pronunciation
of the name; she calls him Oy-Vay-ovich.
* The “Paul Newman Has Gone and Left Us--Sob”
Bowl: I liked “Butch Cassidy and
the Sundance Kid” best, but almost all his movies were a
treat.
* The “Michelle Obama Where Did She Get That Election
Night Dress?” Bowl: She is a classy
woman, an inspiration, but she missed with that red-and-black
number.
* The “Whoops, Brett Favre Throws Another Interception” Bowl: What poetic justice that the discarded Chad Pennington came back to beat Favre and the Jets.
* The “Will Woody Allen Ever Win Another Oscar for Best Picture?” Bowl: Even a bad Woody Allen movie is better than 90 % of the others.
* The”What a Jerk Was John Edwards” Bowl: He soon will join the “whatever became of ……” ranks.
* The “Idiotic Calls for a College Football Playoff” Bowl: Attention Barack Obama and Pennsylvania Gov. Ed Rendell: a college football playoff means three more weeks out of classes for these student-athletes--or is it “alleged” students.
* The “Good Bye and Good Riddance George Bush Bowl: Temptation to be sorry for the nu-ku-lar man in his final days is countered by some of his last-minute giveaways.
* The “Rock Around the Clock Barack Obama” Bowl: All we want him to be is another FDR-and more.
©2009 by Stan Isaacs. The Stan Isaacs caricature is ©2001 by Jim Hummel. The Dick Cheney illustration is a staff artist's version of a Cheney photograph. This column first posted Jan. 5, 2009.
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