|
OUT OF LEFT FIELD |
 |
|
|
|
Division |
Division |
Division |
Division |
 TEAM CAPTAIN ABRAHAM LINCOLN |
 TEAM CAPTAIN GEORGE WASHINGTON |
 TEAM CAPTAIN THOMAS JEFFERSON |
 TEAM CAPTAIN FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
To End All Brackets
of TheColumnists.com
The word for this time of year is bracketology. The significance of the NCAA college basketball tournament is that it presents a wonderful involvement activity known as brackets. Even if you don’t give a poo about college basketball (the games sprout on the tube like crabgrass most of the regular season) the tournament presents a wonderful prediction opportunity. It beats twiddling your thumbs waiting for the baseball season to start.
I was so obsessed with filling out brackets for this NCAA tournament that the concept invaded other areas of my consciousness. Such is my own madness that I began wondering if bracketology could encompass ball players, tennis players, horses, actors. And maybe best of all, Presidents.
Why not? Why not, indeed. I checked some of the best and worst presidential lists by historians and off I went, tickled at airing my own prejudices.
First off, I had to drop 11 Presidents to fit the exercise into a manageable bracket field of 32 entries. So I lopped off eight of the worst and three who died after occupying the White House for only a short time: William Henry Harrison (1841), Zachary Taylor (1849-50) and James Garfield (1881).
The eight worst begins with George W. Bush; followed by Richard Nixon; James Buchanan; Andrew Johnson; Warren Harding; Herbert Hoover; Millard Fillmore and Franklin Pierce.
In keeping with the nonsensical aspects of this enterprise I broke the 32-Presidential field into four Marx Brothers-named sections: Groucho, Harpo, Chico and Gummo. (When we have a few more worthy presidents, we can add a Zeppo category for the missing Marx Brother.)
Bracketology requires four top seeds. They are Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Franklin Roosevelt and Thomas Jefferson.
Lincoln tops the Groucho section, followed by Dwight Eisenhower; John Quincy Adams; James Madison; James Polk (he flim-flammed the U.S. into a war with Mexico); George Bush I; John Tyler and William McKinley (his assassination brought forth Teddy Roosevelt).
Washington tops the Harpo section, followed by Theodore Roosevelt; Grover Cleveland; Lyndon Johnson; Chester Alan Arthur (perhaps the most unknown President); Benjamin Harrison; Ulyssses Grant (a more successful general than a President) and Ronald Reagan.
Jefferson tops the Chico section, followed by Andrew Jackson; John Adams; Bill (word association: Monica Lewinski) Clinton; Harry (spunky yes, but a second A-Bomb on Nagasaki?) Truman; Jimmy Carter; Rutherford B. Hayes; and Gerald Ford.
FDR tops the Gummo section, followed by James Monroe; Woodrow Wilson; Barack Obama (a quick evaluation of the job he is doing in the face of the tremendous mess left him by George W. Bush); John F. Kennedy;, William (Teddy Roosevelt foiled him) Taft, Martin Van Buren (he was the Harold Stassen of his time) and Calvin Coolidge.
First round:
Grouchos: Lincoln routs McKinley; Eisenhower beats George (“read my lips”) Bush 1; John Adams beats Polk; Madison beats Tyler (Tippecanoe’s partner).
Harpos: Washington routs Benjamin (he split Cleveland) Harrison; Teddy Roosevelt beats Grant; Cleveland beats Arthur; LBJ beats Reagan (he launched the rich-get-richer era).
Chicos: Jefferson routs Hayes (questionable election); Jackson beats Ford (he pardoned Nixon); John Adams beats Truman; Carter upsets Clinton.
Gummos: FDR routs Van Buren; Monroe beats Coolidge (he was smart keeping silent); Wilson beats JFK (charisma, yes, Vietnam, no); Obama beats Taft.
Second round:
Grouchos: Lincoln beats John Quincy Adams
(he was anti-slavery);
Eisenhower beats Madison (historians differ on him).
Harpos: Washington beats Cleveland (No. 22 and No. 24); Teddy Roosevelt beats LBJ (Great Society yes, Vietnam, no).
Chicos: Jefferson beats John (David McCullough’s biography was awfully kind to him) Adams; Jackson beats Carter (a better ex-President than a President).
Gummos: FDR beats Obama (the job gets tougher every day); Monroe beats Wilson (did his wife run the government at the end?)
Third round:
Grouchos: Lincoln beats Eisenhower (he ended the Korean War).
Harpos: Washington beats Teddy Roosevelt (a better President than an ex-President).
Chicos: Jefferson beats Jackson (what would he have made of today’s bankers?).
Gummos: FDR beats Monroe (presided over an Era of Good Feeling).
Final Four:
Lincoln beats Washington (he threw that coin over the Rappahannock river, not the Potomac) FDR beats Jefferson (his record as a slave-holder was not ennobling).
Final:
Lincoln (honors galore this 200th anniversary)
beats FDR (I bought a button four years ago that reads “Where
is FDR Now That We Need Him?).
©2009 by Stan Isaacs. The Stan Isaacs caricature is ©2001 by Jim Hummel. The illustrations are from IMSI's Master Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA. This column first posted March 23, 2009.
TO ACCESS STAN ISAACS'S ARCHIVE OF COLUMNS
ON THIS SITE, CLICK HERE: ISAACS
ARCHIVE
You can comment
on this column online. Please address your message to either
"The Editors" or Stan Isaacs. To send an email, click
here and don't forget to mention Stan's name: talkback@thecolumnists.com
|
|
|
Archives |
|
|