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OUT OF LEFT FIELD |
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OF CHAOSISTAN
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Embattled Isaacstan
Faces A New Crisis
of TheColumnists.com
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Mr. Isaacs, before he joined the staff of TheColumnists.com, had used the early years of his retirement from the staff of the newspaper Newsday to travel widely in the Middle East, seeking to make contacts in his ancestral home in the Republic of Isaacstan. Due to his immense personal magnetisim and, perhaps, the fact that he received a pension from Newsday that made him a wealthy man in Isaacstan, Mr. Isaacs soon involved himself in the affairs of his homeland and, eventually, became their leader. As always, we feel privileged that we are the only online publication in the world that features a head of state as a regular columnist. |
Some devoted readers of this space who have a lot of time on their hands have been wondering why there have been no reports lately about developments in the People’s Republic of Isaacstan. There are those who claim that Isaacstan is a figment of my imagination, but I have chosen to ignore that in view of the importance of keeping up with the world of 'Stans.
There is a dark cloud on the Stan horizon that is called Chaosistan. For those who don’t have a handy atlas at their elbow, these are the Stans that have been dominating so much of the world news. Most prominent of course is Afghanistan followed by Pakistan. Nor should we forget Tajikistan, Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan and the hardest to spell, Kyrgyzstan. With the addition of Isaacstan, we now have a group that is sometimes called, “The Seven Stans.”
There are some economic geographers who argue there should be a place as well for Musialstan. That claim is being considered by the Royal Council of Stans.
Before examining a new development in Staniana, a refresher course about Isaacsstan may be in order at this critical time. Explorers have only recently determined the exact location of Isaacstan. It lies adjacent to the Kyrgy-Tajik-Uzbek Triangle. It covers some 95,000 square miles, about the size of Oregon. The capital is Stantinople. It has a population of some 480,000, about the same as Wyoming, which has 80 more super markets than Isaacstan, which has none.
Its chief industries are yogurt processing, the production of goatskin clothing, and farming. It is rich in livestock with 13 million goats, 10 million chickens, 209,444 pigs, ---and one ram which crossed over from Uzbekistan and became a national pet; appeals to deport the ram back to Uzbekistan have been denied.
There has been little development in the plan to import thousands of yaks to inaugurate the pari-mutuel sport of yak racing.
Isaacstan is unique for being 33 per cent Muslim, 33 per cent Catholic, 33 per cent Atheists--and it has some former Protestant missionaries who were converted to Judaism after winning an essay contest in the city of Islamagood on the subject “Why We Don’t Need a New Testament.”
The world is aflutter these days about whether President Obama will add or subtract troops in Afghanistan. It is a disappointment to the people of Isaacstan--an ally of the U.S. since Obama took office--that Obama has not chosen to consult with their leader. But their prayers and hopes are with him anyway.
What has been overlooked is a significant phrase in Gen. Stanley McChrystal’s request for 40-80,000 more troops to be sent to Afghanistan. As revealed in Newsweek Oct. 19, McChrystal mentioned that he had received a plan called “Chaosistan.” The Chaosistan Plan advises letting Afghanistan become a “Somali-like haven of chaos that we simply manage from the outside.” Informants reveal that this comes from a secret CIA analysis.
What is revolutionary here, methinks, is that plans are afoot to put all the Stans into one bag: Chaosistan. It equates democratic Isaacstan with a despotic state like Turkmenistan. I declare this is presumptuous--arrogant, too---and I, as the premier of the real or imagined (take your pick) Isaacstan, object.
As head of this nation that people claim I dreamed up, I conjured up a country that lived up to the ideals of Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, Carl Hubbell and Groucho Marx to name a few. Isaacstan believes in truth and justice, the golden rule and the sanctity of the old-fashioned belly laugh.
We deplore any attempt by Gen. McChrystal or his ilk to swallow up Isaacstan by imposing Chaosistan on our world.
Up until now the issue that has torn apart the citizens of Isaacstan was “The Question of the Missing ‘I’ ”. Should Isaacstan join its neighbors and call itself Isaacsistan (with an “is” inserted) or go its own way without the missing “I” as Isaacstan. Some people feel strongly about this.
Either way we will not be lumped with Chaosistan.
©2009 by Stan Isaacs. The Stan Isaacs caricature is ©2001 by Jim Hummel. The photos are courtesy of Al Isaacia, the Isaacstanian news agency. This column first posted Nov. 16, 2009.
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