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Comes To You From HIS IMPERIAL MAJESTY: STAN ISAACS ISAACSTAN  |
 The Sacred Goat of Our Beloved Nation Adorns Our Flag |
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My Fellow Isaacstanis, I Wish to Tell You of... THE COMING OF AGE OF ISAACSTAN! |
 Isaacstani Soldier in Full Battle Gear, Ready to Kick Uzbekistani butts or Apply for U.S. Financial Aid |
of TheColumnists.com
For close followers of the Central Asian developments, here is Isaacstan II or They Don't Do the Hora in Tora Bora:
Last month I dreamed I
was the premier of the newly-discovered People’s Republic
of Isaacstan. This created such a stir in some fanciful corners
that I am now beginning to think it was not a dream. I think
now that Isaacstan lives and is a significant factor in the developments
in Central Asia.
First off, Prof. Ronald Liebowitz of Middlebury College, a distinguished
economic georgrapher specializing in Russian and Central Asian
tsuris, says I was completely misguided in locating Isaacstan
in a narrow corridor between Uzbekistan and Tajikstan on the
Afghanistan border.
“No way,” said Prof. Liebowitz, pulling out a multi-colored
map of the area. He said, "See that panhandle area in the
northeastern corner of Afghanistan. That is what is called the
‘Wakan Protrusian’ because it was established in the
late l9th century as a geographical entity to separate the two
involved colonial powers, Russia and Great Britain. They didn’t
want a British soldier shooting a rifle over a common border
at a Russian. Or vice versa. Today the Wakan Protusian is now
Isaacstan and it is between what is now Tajikistan and Afghanistan.
It has further significance today because a third power, China,
is to the east, not too far away.”
He said, “That establishes Isaacstan in a key strategic
place, not to mention that it is a part of the Silk Road that
our old friend Marco Polo and his buddies traveled to bring back
all those goodies from India.”
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ancient drawing, Marco Polo is shown upon his return to Venice. The man at his right is wearing the traditional Isaacstani turban, adding weight to the legend that the explorer visited Isaacstan and despoiled many vestal virgins with considerable vigor. |
Isaacstan is obviously real because correspondent Lester Rodney of Walnut Creek, Calif., informed me he heard there had been a coup in Uzbekistan and that the military leadership there was coveting Isaacstan as a satellite appendage. I was told that we could surrender peacefully or that they would invade the hell out of us “with rape, pillage and all that jazz.”
He revealed as well that Uzbekistan “reached the acme of fame and international stature as one of the three nations, along with the United States and Israel, to oppose ending the embargo on Cuba in a 156 to 3 United Nations vote.”
“Why in the world would Uzbekistan care about punishing Cuba,” I asked.
“That’s a bit of tsuris for people like your Prof. Liebowitz to ponder,” he said.
The Uzbekistan coup failed, I learned, when Uzbekistan soldiers laid down their arms and refused to fight after they read in the Uzbekistan Oomlaut that they would not be greeted by 27 vestal virgins in heaven if they were killed trying to capture Isaacstan.
Most of the 480,000 odd citizens of Isaacstan were thrown into a tizzy upon reading that the United States was offering a reward of $25 million for the capture of Osama bin Laden. This staggered the imagination of Isaacstanis because--at the going rate of 100 million Istani bricks to an American dollar--that added up to $28 billion bricks if my multiplication is right--and these are such staggering numbers we can’t be sure of that.
No matter. The puzzling aspect of this for Isaacstanis is why the Americans would offer $25 million to capture bin Laden. In this dirt poor region, wouldn’t $5 million be enough of an incentive? Or a thousand dollars? Why, even $37.50 would do very well for some of our mercenaries.
“Say,” said a wise old head at one of our town meetings, “my nephew Looie would go after that bandito for 30 goats and a year’s worth of free haircuts.”
The citizens at the meeting in the capital of Stantinople scoffed at the inability of the CIA, the FBI, the Mossad and all the ships at sea or wherever in not being able to infiltrate bin Laden’s organization when such a schnook as John Walker could become a convert to Islam and be taken to a camp where he met bin Laden a few times.
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says he'd lead the Americans to Osama bin Laden for Mullah Moola. |
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Should any one of our patriots capture bin Laden and bring him back to our fair land, the world could be assured that he would receive a fair trial. No Bushford-style secret military tribunals for us. There would only be the question, said legal eagle Jerome Schlapik, about which court to try him. Some would opt for a tennis court, others a basketball court. Certainly no kangaroo court, even if our judges were employed as goatherders and yogurt makers before the current troubles rushed them onto a bench still smelling of fresh lacquer. Whichever way the ball bounced, he would have no complaints.
I am heartened by the discovery of other Stans that people are now beginning to learn about. The New York Times revealed that the area of the borough of Queens in New York that has been settled by Bukharan Jewish immigrants from the Six Stans (not including Isaacstan)--Uzbekistan, Tajikistan, Kyrgyzstan, Kazakhstan, Turkmenistan and Afghanistan--is now being called Queenistan. Truly.
And the New Yorker Magazine scored with its best cover since Steinberg’s “View of the World from Ninth Avenue.” It drew a map of what it called “New Yorkistan.” It pinpointed neighborhoods that make up the Big Apple. Such as “Lowrentistan” in Manhattan, “Youdontunderstandistan” in Queens, “Feh” in the Bronx and “Khandibar” in Brooklyn.
Len Bernstein, always a keen analyst of world affairs, even suggested that Staten Island, which reads as “Stan” on the New Yorker cover, should actually be Isaacstan. It’s a thought.
I should add that if there were any doubts about the existence of Isaacstan they were dispelled by the national flag of Isaacstan revealed to the world by the lost and found graphics department of TheColumnists.com upon the publication of the first Isaacstan column. The image of a goat rampant on a field of strawberry and lime yogurt is a tribute to two of our main industries--the production of goatskin clothing and yogurt processing.
Being
considered as future pieces in this series are columns on "The
Bride of Isaacstan," "The Curse of Isaacstan,"
but definitely not "Abbott and Costello in Isaacstan."
© 2001 by Stan Isaacs.
The drawings are from IMSI's MasterClips Collection, 1895 Francisco
Blvd. East, San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA.
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"Isaacstanislavski Method" acting technique. |
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To Read
Stan Isaacs' first column about his homeland, click here:
ISAACSTAN
I
You can comment
on this column or contact Stan Isaacs with an email to: talkback@thecolumnists.com
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