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Out of Left Field |
 CITIZENS OUTRAGED! ISAACSTAN FROZEN OUT OF WINTER OLYMPICS! |
Bias Against Thrashplotz
Seen As Catalyst in Dispute
aka His Royal Staness, Premier
People's Republic of Isaacstan
As the premier of Isaacstan I have been asked by several
keen observers of the passing scene why Isaacstan is not to be
seen in the Winter Olympics at Salt Lake City these weeks. A
good question.
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cheated out of seeing The Premier himself competing in luge. Here we see him in training, wearing the usual Isaacstani helmet made of case-hardened yellow yak's milk with caraway seed implants. |
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The problem is that the Olympic poobahs don’t include thrashplotz, the national game of Isaacstan, on its program. Thrashplotz is a sport that can be described as a cross between rugby and soccer in which plotzers thrash, hence thrashplotz. It is an exciting game, but the Olympic people don’t seem to think it as worthy as such as, say, luge, where burly blokes lay on their fat behinds on a sled and speed down a course while a TV announcer shouts, “Does he want it enough?”
One of the unique things about thrashplotz is that it could be on the program of the summer or winter Olympics. In the summertime plotzers thrash about in a sea of mud; in the wintertime the plotzers thrash in an expanse of snow. No other sport can make this claim.
It’s possible that I am being hard on the Olympic people because it was only recently that the People’s Republic of Isaacstan came to light in one of my dreams. I thought at first that it was only a dream, but my revelations about life in Isaacstan created such a stir in some fanciful corners that I no longer think of it as a figment of my imagination. In my eyes Isaacstan lives.
The Olympic solons should know that Isaacstan occupies the panhandle area in the northeastern corner of Afghanistan which, until my discovery of Isaacstan, was known as the Waken Protrusian of Afghanistan. The capital of Isaacstan is Stantinople. Its monetary unit is the brick. There are 100 million bricks to one U.S. dollar. Its chief industries are yogurt processing, the production of goatskin clothing and farming. It is rich in livestock with 13 million goats, 10 million chicken, 209,000 pigs, but not many sheep. Yaks have been imported recently because of the rise in popularity of a new sport-yak racing.
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to see the incredible Isaacstaniwhizzer III, powered by fermented yogurt and using the acclaimed yak-gut steering system. |
Students of Isaacstan know that the country is unique for being 33 per cent Muslim, 33 per cent Catholic, 33 per cent Atheists-and it has some former Protestant missionaries who were converted to Judaism in the city of Islamagood. It is applying for membership in the United Nations.
As coloful as the opening ceremony of the Olympics were, I think the parade of athletes and flags would have been enriched had Isaacstan been there with its beloved flag--a goat rampant on a brilliant field of strawberry and lime yogurt, a tribute to our chief industries. We hope to see our colorful colors marching between Ireland and Israel at the Summer Games in Greece in 2004. Look for us.
In the meantime we are hoping to compete in the inaugural United We Stan (or Sixstan) Games among Afghanistan, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Tajikistgan and Turkmenistan.
Some have suggested that Isaacstan chose to stay out of these Olympics because we are fearful of attacks by terrorists. This is poppycock. “We have to smile at the glut of security people at the Olympics at a cost of $30 million,” said C.W. Heart, our chancellor of the foreign ministry. “The terrorists may be evil, but they are not stupid. Why would they want to go off to a godforsaken place like Utah and freeze in the cold to commit mayhem when there are all those big American cities that are more inviting and easier targets?”
Heart said, “I admire President Bush, though, for using Sept.11, patriotism and the threat of terrorism to camouflage his right-wing agenda. And getting himself televised standing among those happy American athletes at the opening ceremonies was a public relations bonanza. As Muhammad Ali used to say, he’s ‘not as dumb as he looks.’
But the man said “the terrorists would have won if the Olympics were called off.” Heck, Osama Bin Laden and his ilk must be laughing their heads off that the U.S. is spending $30 million dollars just to protect the Olympics when so many people are out of work and in need of financial help.”
Isaacstanis are pleased to note that among the many reports about the whereabouts of Bin Laden nobody says he is in Isaacstan. We can assure President Bush that we are a peace-loving nation and the guy that Bush said he wanted “dead or alive”-- but whom he doesn’t seem to mention anymore-would receive no welcome, dead or alive, anywhere in our land, from the Bosh Mountains to the Valley of Posh.
The general ignorance by most of the world about Isaacstan may be rectified by a new program that should be in place soon. We are about to issue visas. For a small fee of 500,000 bricks-which is about $11.49 in American money-foreigners can obtain a visa to Isaacstan. Souvenir passports are also available for one million bricks, or $22.99.
They can be obtained by
contacting Nats Scaasi, Commissar of Immigration, by clicking
here: PASSPORTS.
© 2002 by Stan Isaacs. The
Stan Isaacs caricature is © 2001 by Jim Hummel. The other
illustrations are from IMSI's Master Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco
Blvd. E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA. (They have been doctored
slightly!)
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