Michael Johnson EYE ON EUROPE

LADY PRESIDENTS' SUMMIT    At left, U.S. Pres. Hillary Clinton as seen by a retired Marvel Comics cartoonist.   At right, French Pres. Ségolène Royal as seen by former art director of Tiajuana Bible Publications

Hillary shows brittleness
As Ségolène says zis & zat

By MICHAEL JOHNSON
of TheColumnists.com

 

 

“Ségolène Royal has the brains but none of the brittleness of Hillary.”
--From a column I read somewhere once

“France and the United States now have women presidents for the first time in history. An era of amity is at hand.”
--From a column you might read in 2009

 

WASHINGTON--
Hillary Clinton had barely been installed as President of the United States when the following Oval Office transcript fell into our hands. Here is an excerpt:

(Ringing phone.) Ring. Ring. Ring.

HILLARY: Talk to me.

OPERATOR: A congratulatory call is coming in for you, Madame President. Somebody named Roy All.

HILLARY: That would be my friend Ségolène, the new French president. Put her through. Come on, make it snappy!

Click click.

OPERATOR: (Whispering to fellow operator) Oh, she’s brittle today.

SEGOLENE: Allô Allô!

HILLARY: (Syrupy) Bonjour Ségolène. How very sweet of you to call. What’s up in Pareeee?

SEGOLENE: Oh, I'llary, first, my félicitations! You say zat in Anglish, I sink so? I just wont to say zee moment has come to plant zee ‘atchette, yes? I sink you say zat?

HILLARY. Yeah. Sounds cool to me. Where do we start?

SEGOLENE. Alors, I have idées. We can make deals. See what you sink. If you get out of Irrrak I stop protecting the bad boys of Ezbullah and Amas.

HILLARY. Deal. Those guys are scary. Now my turn. France really shouldn’t be on the UN Security Council--you’re just one of the little guys--so if you volunteer to get off and make room for India, I’ll stop trying to strangle Airbus. Okay?

SEGOLENE. Oh, a easy deal! Airboose is dead like a doorknob already, more like suey-seed, and it costs me too much munney! Let Boing make zee big aéroplanes. Hahaha. Now my turn, okeh? If you stop srettening to bum Iran, I will stop schmoozing at my friend “Jimmy” Ahmedinejad--but he so cute in his grey jacquette!! He use same tailor as Kim Jung Il! I sink so. Hahaha. Also, I'llary, where you buy your crazy 'ats? I sink I can zend you zome zat are … how you say … more “now”?

HILLARY: Sounds good. Go ahead. Now will you please stop sending us that goose liver pâté from the poor geese you force-feed? If you do, I’ll tell the Gallo brothers to stop flooding your wine market with their rotgut red. Oh, by the way, I saw you on Katie Couric last night. Where did you get those darling shoes?

SEGOLENE: You like zem? I so happy. I send my office boy to Ferragamo on les Champs Elysées. He taste good. You say zat, yes?

HILLARY. Yeah, tastes good. [Cups mouthpiece and mutters to aide: “Stupid frog.”] Be careful of these office boys. Don’t let him go snapping his thong in your office. My Bill fell for that once. How embarrassing for me.

SEGOLENE: I no unnerstand.

HILLARY: Never mind, I never understood either. Monica was a good 30 pounds overweight. I’m only 20. All this because I had a headache the night before.

SEGOLENE: Hahaha. I use that one once. He believe me! Hahaha.

HILLARY: No really! A bad migraine. Wait … did you say Ferragamo? That’s where that Rice woman was when Katrina hit N'orleans. Taboo. I can’t go there.

SEGOLENE: Oh, yes, men! My François is so demanding! I gave him four children and he still no marry me. What do men want?? Besides rumpy-pumpy I sink you say, non?

HILLARY: Good question. Ask Freud.

SEGOLENE: Fred who? I no know him.

HILLARY: Never mind. Back to business. What are we going to do with Kim Jung Il? I want to persuade him to back down from his bomb but I’m damned if I’ll join his “Joy Brigade”. I’m probably too old anyway and so are you. The age limit for those girls is about 14.

SEGOLENE: Maybe I can make him listen. La France is also in the nuclear club, Tier Two, back row. So we sort of speak the same language. If he drops his bum I drop our bum.

HILLARY: Hang on. Drop? Oh you mean cancel. Okay that works for me.

SEGOLENE: Okeh I'llary. We solved most probs. Next time you need a new pants suit call my office boy, puleeeze. France and America are now in bed together, you say zat I sink so? Bye bye brittle one.

HILLARY: Bye bye little kitten.

©2006 by Michael Johnson. The illustrations are official photos that have been run through a blender. This column first posted Oct. 16, 2006.

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