|
|
 |
|
ON AMERICA |
|
Returning to America:
Hey, what planet IS this?
of TheColumnists.com
BACK IN BORDEAUX
Much as I hate to be judgmental about my native country, after a recent 10-day visit to Boston I find it hard to shut up:
* Massachusetts serves as a good microcosm for the country. It is essentially broke, unable to repair its pot-holed roads and 400 crumbling bridges. Sidewalks and streets in upmarket Brookline and Waltham are in such disrepair that the time has come to rip them up and start over. Gridlock brings traffic to a dead stop for miles as hapless drivers idle their engines and listen to the radio.
*
The economy is sputtering, in part because $3 billion a week
is being poured into Iraq to keep ancient hatreds under control
and guarantee the flow of $120 a barrel oil that enables the
Arabs to buy our assets with our money.
*
Testimony in Washington by squeaky clean Gen. David Petraeus
and lightweight Ambassador Ryan Crocker had the country yawning.
To find a live feed I had to channel-surf through Oprah, Sesame
Street, cooking shows, preaching, teaching and fly-fishing until
by chance I found them on MSNBC. Who does their PR? The “pause”
in the “drawdown” has produced improvements that are
“fragile but reversible”. Two hours later I was mentally
numb - their apparent objective.
*
The Hillary-Obama standoff had descended to an argument over
who is less “elitist”, a new pejorative. Jon Stewart
got it right when he said he thought elite was a good quality,
not a drawback.
To this visitor from Mars, it all felt like a civilization in
decline.
* A drive through the suburbs is a surreal experience. Outside an H&R Block tax office was a circus clown holding a sign that said “Come on in. Have fun doing your taxes!” Was this black humor or an appeal to the Americans’ inner 12-year-old? Either way H&R Block can’t lose. The U.S tax code has become so unwieldy (7,700 amendments) that no single accountant can master it. Dodging taxes has become a national sport.
* Coming in from Europe, one never quite gets over the sight of obese men and women staggering down the street holding enormous paper cups of expensive coffee.
NEW PRODUCTS
* Drinks -- When is a martini not a martini? Now the trendy bars offer chocolate, tomato, vanilla, apple, cranberry and scotch concoctions. One smart weekend getaway hotel complex displays 20 martinis on its bar, each a different color of the rainbow.
* Germ-killers - You can now buy germicide hand lotion guaranteed to kill “99.99 percent of some common germs”. Apparently it’s safer to shake hands if coated with this stuff.
* Art as life - Furniture stores are selling full-size Barbie Doll furniture, such as three-legged glass-top vanity tables. Life imitates art.
LANGUAGE ABUSE
*
One clerk at a shop on Harvard Avenue thought he had to live
up to the name of his street. When I asked for an item of quality
that was not too expensive, he offered, “That sir is an
oxymoron”.
* Put stuff in your shoes that will “wick away” moisture.
* When I complained to a Delta airline reservation clerk that his jargon was incomprehensible to a layman, he bristled and said, “What are you talking about? What is a layman?”
I love visiting the U.S. once or twice a year. It’s a little different each time. Maybe next time it will be better. Meanwhile, it’s great to be back in Bordeaux where red is red and white is white and it’s all delightfully drinkable.
©2008 by Michael Johnson. The illustration is from IMSI's Master Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA.. This column first posted April 21, 2008.
You can comment
on this column online. Please address your message to either
"The Editors" or Michael Johnson. To send an email,
click here and don't forget to mention Michael's name: talkback@thecolumnists.com
|
|
|
Archives |
|
|