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ABOUT LONDON |
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BE MORE LIKE US? |
 "No wonder dem British dudes call their women 'birds.' Hell, dey all look like skinny crows!" |
 "I say, that Yank bloke seems to be wearing his leather jockstrap a bit too tight." |
A DIALOGUE OF TWO CULTURES
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By MICHAEL JOHNSON and ROBERT TAYLOR
of TheColumnists.com
Mike: How does it feel for a man to be brought up in such a tiny country--57th largest in the world? How can you be expected to perform in bed with big American girls?
Rob: I can’t say I’ve ever had the privilege, if that’s the right word. In any case big is not necessarily beautiful, whatever you Americans think. Here in Europe we judge things on their value rather than their size. Big Ben is one of the most fascinating clock towers in the world, though ‘big’ is hardly the word for it.
Living in a country of
manageable proportions isn’t so intimidating. In fact it
means that people are less likely to grow up staring at their
own navels, apparently a favourite American pastime. We British
tend to travel abroad and experience different cultures. But
what about you lot?
One of my earliest memories of visiting the States was someone
asking me what language we spoke in England. The same person
asked me when I last met Prince Charles.
Mike: Britain used to have some kind of "empire,"
didn’t it? Why did you all run away?
Rob: The decline of the British empire, occurring as it did a century ago, is of little or no consequence to anyone but a few expatriate Americans who think we should be more worked up about it. But if you insist on talking ancient history, you’ll find that the British empire was dismantled humanely, leaving cultural and political ties in place with countries that now voluntarily belong to the Commonwealth. We were terribly civilised about it. We did not, for example, try to bomb any of them into submission.
Mike: I don’t know. My neighbour in London never tires of talking about his magical time in the Royal army, or whatever you call it, in Africa training local tribesmen who wore nothing but leather jockstraps and some feathers. He was 22 and just out of someplace called Oxford.
Rob: Leather jockstraps and feathers? Yes, I’m told the army does cater for that sort of activity, with or without African tribesmen. If I were you I’d give him a wide berth from now on.
Mike: Then what’s this mystique about Oxford and Cambridge? I’ve known men from those schools who can’t tie their own shoes.
Rob: Any mystique is rapidly fading. Sorry to be political for a moment, but our present government believes that educational equality is more important than excellence. No doubt in a few years time everyone from Oxford will be able to tie their own shoelaces. Whether they’ll be able to string two sentences together is another matter.
Mike: Would you agree that constant rain keeps the English indoors too much, drying up their social skills? Is this why you are all so backward?
Rob: No, I would not agree. Perhaps a little statistical accuracy is needed here. London has about half the annual rainfall of New York. Look it up.
As for being ‘backward,’
well, we’re certainly not as forcefully forward as you Americans.
A Californian visited my office the other day. We could hear
him coming about five minutes before he arrived. He boomed his
way through the office, loudly proclaiming how “thrilled”
and “excited” he was to meet us all. My ears were ringing
for the rest of the day, and my wrist is still malfunctioning
after his extraordinary handshake. You seem to believe that everyone
should behave as you do.
Mike: Yeah, we’re a friendly bunch and you’re
not.
Rob: You’re friendly in the same way as a dog that won’t stop licking you is friendly.
Mike: What's this class system all about? Are the aristocrats better than the rest of you? And if they're so smart, why aren't they rich?
Rob: The class ‘system,’ as you put it, is not so different from that of any other country, and certainly not the States, where if your name is Kennedy or Bush you’re on a one-way ticket to the White House. As with every country, money and connections help people get places.
Yes, our aristocrats have inherited titles and property from their ancestors. But often they’re in debt because the huge estate that they inherited requires millions of pounds of upkeep every year. The genes may be thinning but the ‘smart’ ones still manage to make money--not that money is any measure of success.
Mike: Okay, but I still find it odd that cab drivers think themselves so small that they must address me as “governor.”
Rob: Better than being called “love,” “duck” or “dear,” which is what female shop assistants call me. Anyway, I think the word “governor” carries a slice of old-world deferential charm. I think you should be quite flattered. When was the last time your wife called you “governor?”
Mike: How can you worship that frumpy woman who calls herself “The Queen of England”? Where I come from, queens are a lot more interesting.
Rob: Well she is 76, you know. A bit difficult to look glamorous at that age. And I don’t think that even the most committed monarchists would say that they “worshiped” her. I think the most that many of us would give her is respect, and maybe a smattering of affection.
Mike: You all seem to be afraid of each other. Every time you move a muscle, you say, “Sorry.”
Rob: Yes, that is a peculiarity of the British, I admit. But better to say “sorry” than to just barge past people, or shove them out of the way. Don’t you think it illustrates consideration for other people?
Mike: No. I think it’s wimpy. I like the self-assertion book title parody suggested by someone recently: “Got out of my way or I’ll kill you.”
Rob: Which just goes to show that you can take the boy out of America, but you can’t take the America out of the boy.
Mike: If this country is semi-illiterate, why are there so many national newspapers? Why are they so horrible?
Rob: Market forces, of course. Isn’t that what your great country is built upon? People have the choice to read what they like. Some of the national newspapers are indeed ‘horrible,’ focusing on celebrity tittle-tattle and little else. At least they’re the best horrible papers in the world. Actually, I’d argue they aren’t newspapers at all, but journals of celebrity life. The genuine newspapers are exceptionally good, with thorough coverage and analysis of news at home and (please note!) abroad.
“Semi-illiterate?”
Hoist by your own petard. The word “illiterate” is
an absolute term. You can be no more semi-illiterate than you
can be semi-pregnant or semi-unique. There’s a piece in
the bible that might help you here--it’s all about specks
of dust, sticks and their removal from people’s eyes.
Mike: Semi-illiterate was meant to be a shade kinder
than semi-literate. Sorry, too subtle for the English mind.
Rob: We’re not going to take lessons in subtlety from a nation that produced a food item called “The Whopper,” a film called “Deep Impact” and a Presidential scandal about oral sex. By the way, are those three linked at all?
Mike: There used to be a play in the West End called "No Sex Please, We're British." Don't the British like each other that way?
Rob: It’s called “irony” Mike. Some
of us like some of the rest of us for short periods late in the
evening. We just don’t make a big song and dance about it.
Mike: I don't understand "stiff upper lip." I tried to stiffen mine once and when I looked in the mirror I looked like an idiot. Explain please?
Rob: The concept of the stiff upper lip is one that you won’t understand. You come from a country where crying in public is seen as admirable. The British consider public displays of emotion as self-indulgent and embarrassing.
Your annual Oscar ceremony is classic comedy, particularly when Halle Berry or Tom Hanks gets going. The whole world knows they’re hamming it, except America. It provides the rest of us with a good laugh. You see, to us there’s only one thing more cringe-worthy than public displays of emotion, and that’s public displays of faked emotion.
Mike: Hey, we are taught that the best way to get ahead
in life is to learn to fake sincerity. It works for some. Anyway,
I can cry in public while stiffening my upper lip. It’s
the lower one that wobbles. It’s a tautology or an oxymoron
or something. You should learn to speak better English.
Rob: I won’t even dignify that one with a reply.
Mike: How will it feel to be in charge of "cooking" in the next Gulf War?
Rob: Ahh! So you view the war as a means of achieving glory. Strange that. I thought it was all about ridding the world of an evil dictator.
At least if the Brits do perform mess duties, your American boys will find out that there’s more to food than a burger, extra-large fries and a strawberry shake. Wait till they try our fish and chips washed down with some warm bitter.
Mike: Well, we will be in charge because we will have the guns.
Rob: Yes, and perhaps this time you could avoid firing at your own allies. Last time out our boys practically had to paint their aircraft with signs saying “No shooting please, we’re British!”
©2003 by Michael Johnson
and Robert Taylor. The cartoons are from IMSI's Master Clips
Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506,
USA.
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