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WELCOME TO MY WORLD!  |
Still won't trust anyone over 30? Lots of luck!
By LEN KLEMPNAUER
of TheColumnists.com
I don’t remember exactly what year the warning, “Don’t trust anyone over 30,” popped up, but, as best as I can recall, I was 31 the first time I heard it. That would be 1967 or 1968.
Until then I thought I was pretty cool and in the know. After all, I worked on the city desk of a small-town newspaper in a city with a new University of California campus and believed I was as up to date as anyone on current trends and changing times and what young people believed.
As a member of the so-called Silent Generation that came of age in the (G)olden Days of the 1950s, I couldn’t have been more wrong had I believed, a turn-of-the-century later, that toppling Saddam Hussein’s statue would have ushered in overnight a Western-style democracy in Iraq. Flower power and pot and Hippies and free love and music with a political message (instead of terms of endearment) nurtured by the generation that followed mine--the Baby Boomers--all were foreign to me in the mid-1960s.
Well, that was then and this is now.
Those Boomers born between 1946 and 1955 who couldn’t trust me then are now beginning to tread on my turf. But instead of ostracizing them now as they did me then, I greet them with open arms and say, “Welcome to the real world.”
The first batch of Boomers turned 60 last year and are quickly bearing down on retirement time. So I’d like to take this opportunity to educate them about 10 little things they’re probably unaware of but can look forward to in their (G)olden Days:
1] Six O’Clock News: Now that you no longer have to make that hour-long commute to and from work and can be home for TV’s 6 o’clock news (actually my ABC, CBS and NBC affiliates air their national news at 5:30 p.m.), you will find almost all commercials pertain to prescription drugs for an aging constituency. That leads to only one conclusion: Nobody under 60 watches the 6 o’clock news. Let’s face it. Advertisers don’t waste their money on people who aren’t watching the programs they sponsor.
2] Time Warp: That DVD you rent or buy of a great movie you remember seeing five years ago at the movie theater will turn out to be a great movie that you actually saw 15 years ago.
3] Physical Features: You’re all aware that thinning or gray hair is not only imminent but is inevitable. So are aging spots and wrinkles and inner tubes around the midriff of men and cellulite on the thighs of women. But I bet you didn’t know that nail clippers or scissors will no longer be capable of doing the job on your tougher-than-nails toenails. Try looking for some miniature pruning shears.
4] Grandkids’ Toys: Don’t bother trying to figure out what an iPod or a Wii is. Just send your grandchildren a couple of hundred bucks apiece at Christmas or for their birthdays and let them buy what they want. Whichever gizmo you might choose will not be the one they want anyway. Besides, by the time you determine which one might be the right one, the latest electronic gadget on the market will be a uPad or a WeeWee.
5] TV Shows: You will find fewer and fewer shows you like. You have probably already experienced that problem. And for good reason. You no longer belong to the target market, and you haven’t for 10 years. Advertising pays for TV, and advertisers prefer that the vast majority of their audience be between the ages of 18 and 40 because they’re still susceptible to changing their buying habits. Consequently, TV shows are developed for the under-40s. (There is one exception. See #1 above.)
6] Music CDs: The library of CDs that you have built up over the years eventually will be worthless. Sooner or later your CD player is going to conk out and nobody will be making them anymore. If you have any doubts, I have a few hundred tapes and LPs (that’s LP as in 33-1/3 rpm “long-playing record” for a phonograph) in storage. Think iPod instead, I think. At least for a few years until something else comes along.
7] Daily Blatt: Learn to use a computer if you want to keep up on your local news. Your daily newspaper is a dying breed. The number of pages is dwindling and the actual size of the newspaper is smaller than it was 10-20 years ago. Paid subscriptions are declining. Advertising is down, forcing publishers to cut costs dramatically. Advertisers not only have local TV and radio and free weekly throw-away newspapers competing for their dollar, but they now have the worldwide web. On the web, everybody can publish--cheaply. Even you!
8] Good Genes: If you’ve made it this far, thank your good genes as well as your ability to avoid accidents, drive-by shootings, war and contagious fatal diseases. Do not, however, depend on the latest announced medical breakthrough to keep you going if you contract some rare malady. By the time the newest miracle passes the experimental and approval stages and hits the market, your time will probably be over.
9] Doctors’ Delights: If your previous visits to a medical doctor were limited to a pediatrician as a child and a general practicioner as an adult (add a gynecologist if you’re female), be prepared to start visiting a spate of specialists. (In the past two years, I’ve seen six specialists as well as my G.P., although I haven’t yet had to confront a gerontologist). And hope that Medicare is still solvent and Social Security remains intact when you get further down the home stretch. Two of your Baby Boomer cohorts, Presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush, both born in 1946, didn’t do anything (Clinton) or yet hasn’t done anything (Bush) about correcting projected pitfalls in either program.
10] Funereal Days: Retire away from your home town. Otherwise be ready to attend a half-dozen or more funerals a year of old friends as you reach age 70. I attended five in 2006 and already have been to one this year--one of my high school classmates who also was a college roommate.
As more of you Baby Boomers ascend to senior-citizen status, I think you need a new catch phrase. “Don’t trust anyone under 60” ought to do it. Once you arrive here, you’ll understand why.
As for you Fortysomethings, perception is everything and your time is coming. I remember being asked by an 18-year-old-or-so hostess at a restaurant in 1983 if my wife and I, accompanied by our two kids, wanted the senior citizens’ menu. I was 47 at the time. I guess she thought our kids were our grandchildren. That hostess should be about 42 now.
©2007 by Len Klempnauer. The cartoon is from IMSI'S Master Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA. This column first posted Jan. 29, 2007.
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