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Vapidity? |
Will they bonk? On Fox's island, that's the really big question
By
KINNEY LITTLEFIELD
of TheColumnists.com
Let's hear it for fat.
And flab.
And sag.
When I watch TV I want to ogle ordinary, paunchy mortals having ordinary, honest sex. Firm-bodied, beautiful people--used to snagging whoever they want--don't need to use their imagination. They aren't half as inventive.
And they don't jiggle.
Ordinary folks are more fun.
Not
that we'll see on-camera copulation at all on whiny, rancidly
ridiculous hormone challenge "Temptation Island," the
so-called "reality series" airing Wednesday nights
on Fox. Thank goodness broadcast standards of so-called decency
prevent such public shagging, as they do on any primetime show.
(Yes, I'm teasing about my voyeuristic propensities).
It's just that the allegedly real-life contestants on "Temptation's" test of fidelity have no sexual imagination at all. They can't even talk about lust or libido intelligently. Shannon and Andy and Mandy and Billy and Taheed and Ytossie look like they'd break too many brain cells trying.
Indeed stupidity is the hallmark of cheap and shallow "Temptation," thrown on air by Fox after the blow-out summer success of "Survivor" on CBS.
The premise is meant to titillate.
It merely grates.
Producers
Jean Michel Michenaud and Chris Cowan have taken four unmarried
young couples who look and act like the robotic progeny of Britney
Spears and Ricky Martin and packed them off to somewhere in Belize.
There they are separated and sent off on dates with a bevy of
single and equally tight-abbed gals and guys.
Will the uncoupled couples succumb to the charms of others?
Will their true love stand the test?
Will
they bonk? That is, after all, how Fox is teasing us to watch.
Each week, to up the jealousy, these uncertain lovebirds get
to watch videos of their mates' dates with others.
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The
series premiered mid-January and now things are starting to get
really steamy.
Yeah, right.
Last
Wednesday Mandy, 22, an aspiring singer with whiplike blond braids,
called boyfriend Billy, 26, a whore.
Some gender confusion going on here.
Billy, the manager of an outdoor sports center, looks like he once sang for "Smashing Pumpkins"--chunky cheeks and hair barely there. His idea of a romantic evening is a crude and partially clothed pelvic thrust.
Dim bulb.
Now
I did like single chick Venus, 28, a gorgeous medical resident.
She has sparks. She was asked out on an apparent pity date--no
one had asked her out before--by one of the coupled males. She
actually got rather bitchy about it all.
Otherwise this ditzy dating saga is about as dumb as they come.
Chest-licking and dancing that Elaine did better on "Seinfeld."
Of course I do have a serious hidden agenda in watching. Part of the lure is waiting for another reality show disaster to befall Fox.
Will this latest love child of a show follow "How I Married A Guilty Multi-Millionaire" or whatever it was called and serve up some egregious lack of investigation into a contestant's shady past?
You remember how winning contestant Darva Conger actually married a guy who just may have abused a former squeeze? Darva apparently only wanted her fleeting minutes of TV-tossed fame. You know, like O.J.'s famous house guest Kato Kaelin.
She didn't think it through, she said. She didn't stop to think that marrying someone you barely know in a primetime wedding might just have major consequences.
Then again why care about a spouse with a serious rep if your name is on the national kisser for a fleeting few?
And you know what? Praise the Lord and pass the ammo. There was a Fox faux pas on Wednesday's "Tempt."
Unless it was an intentionally scripted, faux faux pas.
Turns out contentious couple Ytossie, 34, an executive administrator, and Taheed, 29, a production assistant, have a kid.
A love child of their own.
The
pair had their ups and downs before "Temptation Island"
existed--and look like they could be easily enticed to split
again. Not good.
So on Wednesday a "Temptation" producer unceremoniously
ousted Taheed and Ytossie from the game.
The producers and network would never place the mother and father of a child in such a taxing situation, he said.
Then
he offered--and the duo accepted--a chance to shack up together
and work things out.
A chance to talk. Not that Ytossie--pronounced Whytosseee--and
Taheed look like they're up for the tough task of arranging words
into meaningful sentences.
Which
is why this sullen and uncommunicative-seeming couple from that
Sodom called Los Angeles may still be together lo these years.
It takes less effort than breaking up.
There's a definite lack of energy to "Temptation Island"--sexual
or otherwise.
Even "Fantasy Island" was sexier--in its own kitschy-kinky kinda way--than this vapid isle.
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But then Fox, Michenaud and Cowan chose a really bad mix of concepts. All you can do with sex on American television is talk about it. If your characters--fictional or real --can't lip dance intelligently, you don't have a smart show.
The lure of HBO's sex-obsessed "Sex and the City" is in its clever trap flap, its keenly honed writing.
Even HBO's bare-skin-bash "Real Sex" is built on verbal tease as well as skin.
Just about any kind of real life sex would be more interesting than "Temptation Island's" physically flawless but inarticulate lip service.
Being fat and sexy is more interesting.
Being old and sexy is definitely more interesting.
Did you see a very unsexy but oh-so-sexy Jack Nicholson in "The Pledge"?
Even the yucky throw-up scenes on last Thursday's Australian-set "Survivor" were better.
If "Temptation's"cardboard clones of Aaron Spelling characters actually did do the nasty it would be one brutally cold and egotistical affair.
I can hear it.
"Wait--stop--you drooled on my mascara. Excuse me--you just soiled my perfect skin with that tiny little speck of spit."
Where's that blubbery, cuddly, sloppy--and endearingly cagey-- Chicken George from "Big Brother" when we need him? We never did get to squeeze George's love handles, so to speak, on primetime TV.
But at least he offered some flesh with smarts and heart to grab onto. "Temptation Island" is as artificial as a silicone tit.
© 2001 by Kinney Littlefield. The "Temptation Island" logo is © 2001 by Fox Broadcasting. The cartoons are from IMSI's Master/Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. East, San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA.
You can contact Kinney Littlefield with an email to: talkback@thecolumnists.com
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